Change of Scenery?

I received this  e-mail from a fellow Doe and felt that I should share it with the rest of my readers as well as my response back.

-J.D.

Dear JaneDoeofLA,

I find it very disheartening growing up in Los Angeles and finding out that the older I get, the pool of good guys seems to continue to dwindle. They say there are many fish in the sea, but I feel like my sea has become a small pond on a golf course. I feel like chivalry is a dying art. Most guys don't seem to know what they should do to be considered a gentleman, or even how to win a lady over.

Ewww.

Its very frustrating when a guy does not know how to act like a man and not a little boy.

No, I do not want you to holla at me.

No, I do not want you to send one of your friends to tell me you think I'm hot.

No, I do not want you and your whole group of friends to approach (and trap me) at the bar until I give you my digits.

No, I refuse to tell you how many sexual partners I have had on the first date. Not because I am a whore but because that is an inappropriate question.

No man-whores, please.

And absolutely, will I not sleep with you on the first date before I feel like I know a bit more about you...  like for example, your name maybe?

Its hard to stay positive in a city filled with so many negatives. Any advice?

-Distressed Doe

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Well, Distressed, as I said in my last blog post relationships shouldn't be complicated, but dating is a whole other story! I stay positive because I do not put myself in situations where I know I will be attracting not only the wrong kind of attention, but the attention from the crowd of guys I don't want. For example, if you do not want to be trapped at a bar then do not go to a bar. If you want to meet genuine good guys they are out there. You just have to place yourself in the right location so you can meet them.

Whether it is a bookstore, a museum or art exhibit, or even taking a class in something that interests you. I have a friend who is very focused in the energy we carry as people and she got so tired of meeting "fake" guys that she ended up signing up for yoga classes to declutter her mind and soul. Not only did she find her own center, she found a gorgeous classmate she has been ohm-ing with for 2 years now.

Stay positive by putting out what you hope to attract. If you do this and put yourself in the right environment I think you will find you are not only liking the change in scenery but also that the people you are surrounding yourself with are what you have been looking for... something different, new, and exciting.

Stay positive because negativity attracts only negativity and you deserve better than that. I commend you on not settling. Continue to think highly of yourself and know your worth. Keep you chin up and know that when you do find one of those chivalrous gentleman how much sweeter it will be that you succeeded in finding him! Remember, the dating world is a battlefield.... So stay strong, soldier!

Love,
Jane Doe

Knowing When to Give That Second Chance or When to Walk Away

Relationships are complicated... or so I am told. However, I don't think they really have to be. I always get annoyed when people always make comments like "why things have to be so hard" with relationships. The funny thing I have noticed is that most relationships do not have to be hard. What makes it hard is the drama and conflict that is brought in by one or both individuals in the relationship. Relationships are easy in the sense that you should be with someone who makes you happy, not part of the time, but all the time.

So when the burden gets too great to bare, or we feel we have stopped being happy with this person we usually see the relationship fall apart. I see it all the time though, people say they are through when really they still have feelings for the person they have broken up with. You have heard of yo-yo dieting, soldiers and this is commonly referred to as "Yo-Yo dating" this is basically where the same couple breaks up, gets back together, then breaks up again, and AGAIN gets back together. On and on until the people around them get sick of the hot and cold soap opera love story of the boy/girl who cried wolf.

Its exhausting to ride the relationship roller coaster. Especially when we only have one life to live and we spend months, even years maybe flip flopping back and forth with one person. How do you make it stop? Well, the truth is only you have the power to do that by making an ultimate decision and sticking with it. Its all willpower. Sometimes the person is right for you but the time isn't right. Maybe they still need to get their ducks in a row, whatever the case may be, sometimes we have to question "should I give him/her another chance?"

This is the problem with second chances, they only work if one or both individuals are willing to change. Whether that change is to: grow up, commit monogamy, or anything really. But this change has to come from within them, we cannot make people change, nor should we expect them to because a lot of people don't. Some people never grow up, others can never commit. The truth is, we know going into certain situations what to expect from these people because we know them well and the only way they will change is if they want to. If you get together with someone again without either you or your partner experiencing this change/growth you will find the same ridiculous problems pop back up.

So until they approach you to convince you they have changed... say Bon Voyage! And remember soldiers, make them prove to you they have changed because talk is cheap.

J.D. over and out.

Fantasy Fulfillment

When trying to keep relationships new and exciting it is essential to try and mix things up so that they do not become so much of a routine. Fantasies help increase the odds of keeping things feeling fresh. It is also an excellent way to show your partner just how much you care because you want to fulfill something for them and are in a way giving them a memory as a gift.

Is something wrong with the pipes?

As long as said fantasy doesn't make you feel uncomfortable. (No, I will not give you a golden shower!) And doesn't actually hurt anyone, it can help  not only refresh but also deepen the bond you share by pleasing each other and exposing each others hidden desires.

Think about it, if your guy is a Star Wars nerd and wants more than anything for you to dress as Princess Leia and you do it; his memory will always associate you with the sight of sexy princess Leia. It is true, our five senses are heightened during sex. I like to call it sexual memory. We can remember a lover's perfume, or the way their hair felt, or vividly remember how they looked at us. Sexual memory is a very powerful thing.

These things stick during sex because sense memory is affecting all your senses at once and your sense are heightened. By fulfilling a fantasy, it not only shows your partner trusts you, but also that you are special because they felt comfortable enough to share it with you. If your partner is willing to participate in your fantasy it also shows a level of devotion. I am often asked by readers when they should introduce role-playing and fantasy fulfillment into their relationship and the only answer I can give you is this: when both you and your partner feel comfortable in bringing it up.

And remember, it is okay to feel a little embarrassed and shy when trying something new. If you feel ridiculous dressed up as Princess Leia, chuckle about it. Maybe to get even, ask you boyfriend to owe you and later have him dress up as Batman. Life is short, soldiers. So live in the moment and be willing to try new things and take chances and most importantly, have fun with it!

-Jane Doe over and out.