There's a First Time For Everything

I, Jane Doe, did something I never thought I would actually do. I went speed dating. I decided to bring a couple of my fellow Doe girls just so we can share our experiences together for this post (so that it wasn't just one opinion, but four very different experiences). I didn't want to end up disappointed: with the venue, the company, or the dating service. So I decided to go into this thing with no expectations.

So, my friends Jodie Doe*, Jessica Doe*, and Joanna Doe* and I decided to dress up and try this thing out since we were all Speed Dating virgins. When we first arrived we scoped out the room to see the guys around us. It kind of felt like a dance from junior high-- guys stood on one side of bar, while the girls sat on the other. Eventually, a few "brave souls" came over to make conversation with some of the girls. My girls and I decided to grab a few drinks at the bar so we could lose any anxious feelings and relax a bit. I decided to write the experience off as research so even if I didn't meet anyone, I at least was trying something new.

Jodie Doe was very nervous about the whole thing. She is usually my sidekick in all things "new," so she agreed to join me on my speed dating mission. At first she had a lot of fears that the guys were going to be genuinely creepy the way speed daters are depicted in films and t.v. shows. But I reminded her that we were going just for the experience of it.

Cupid may not give you love at first
sight, but your first impression helps
you narrow the selection.

Jessica Doe just came out of a relationship and so I think she wasn't really connected to the evening emotionally, and I think part of that was because she is still taking time out for herself so she isn't really looking for anyone right now.

Joanna Doe was very excited for the evening and could hardly wait to get started with the interviewing process. (She had been trying to convince me to go for months and finally got me to go with her.)

They had us sit at little tables and gave each of us a number, they told us to ask guys for their names and numbers for our little score sheets. It was pretty self explanatory with a "yes, no, and maybe" column. I found it really refreshing, and not awkward like I thought I might. Most of the guys jumped right into asking questions... "a race against time" mentality if you will. With only 3 1/2 minutes to spare they wanted to really get to know you... not simply try to get in your pants.

Some of the guys and I had really nice conversations. They made me laugh, and were so interesting that no two were exactly alike. Yes there were a couple odd-balls that were awkward: One guy asked Jodie if she "liked dinosaurs," while a different guy told the girl Alex sitting beside me, "I am looking for my wife, can you see us getting married?" (RUN, ALEX, RUN!)

"Has it been four minutes yet?"

However, most of them really just wanted to meet a nice girl in a city that thrives on short-lived romances. It was such a relief to find there are good genuine guys in LA not just looking for a hook up but something more.

The weirdest question I was asked had to be the worst advice my parents ever gave me about love, dating, or relationships. And I honestly couldn't think of anything because both of my parents are so easy to talk to and really big on having you learn life lessons from your own experiences (instead of don't do this, or that, etc.) I really liked that there was a time limit on the thing because I am really good with first impressions and most of the time we are right in the way we perceive people. I knew right off the bat which guys I would want to get to know more and which ones I didn't. One admitted he had a gambling problem (ummm... so not going to happen.) And their wasn't any awkward lingering since the guys got shuffled along. I even figured out how to make it not awkward if you "lacked" interest you just kept them talking about themselves and it is a "non-threatening" way of rejecting them because you don't really open up to them, so they aren't given the chance to get to know you. (yes, I used this method for both the dinosaur guy and the one looking for his future wife.)

The ladies who hosted the event were right about writing the names and numbers down as soon as your "date" sits down. After a while you aren't really able to say who is who because you go through about twenty-five guys with under four minutes with each of them, so names and faces begin to blend together.

I ended up with four guys I ultimately felt I might like to get to know more. Jodie ended up with four guys that she liked, Jessica didn't really connect to any one guy because she wasn't in the mindset to put herself "out there." But she does want to try it again later when she feels ready to meet someone new. Joanna really hit it off with four of the six guys she put on her list and informed me she definitely plans on getting in contact with them to see if this will go anywhere. She wants to try speed dating again with a different service to see what other guys are out there and not put all her eggs in one basket. Jodie, Jessica and I are still waiting to hear back from the speed dating services to see what matches we got. Either way, we all agreed it was an eye opening experience and that we all want to do it again!

Never say never, soldiers. Trying new things sometimes lead to interesting experiences and people! Enjoy life and make the most of every moment.

Love,
Jane Doe

Jumping The Gun

Women are always accused of reading too much into things. Whether it be a kiss, the way something is said, or even the hug that lasted a second too long. But lately I have been hearing the exact opposite from my readers. That men have been jumping the gun by scaring themselves and running for the hills. I decided to investigate.

In a world that is becoming just as much a woman's world for goals and success its no wonder some men are starting to feel threatened and jump the gun as "women" have been accused of doing in the past. No-- just because a girl expresses interest in you does not mean she is thinking you are "the one." And No-- just because she thinks you should try dating doesn't mean she is trying to tie you down and marry you either.

The truth is, in today's world women have a lot more power than we did fifty years ago. And because of this advancement through careers, goals, etc. Some men might feel threatened; so there might be a bit of a gender role swap, since it seems now like some men are starting to read into things more.

If a guy becomes scared, ladies, do not consider that you were too intimidating by knowing what you want and going after it. After all: nothing ventured, nothing gained. Instead, see the situation for what it is: the guy is a weenie, and you are better off without him. You deserve a man that isn't going to bite off his nose to spite his face, or count his chickens before they hatch. (alright, I'm done with the old expressions, but they do ring true!) Everyone deserves someone that will see them as an equal, which is why the term "partners" was created in the first place.

If you are a guy who likes women who are driven and aren't threatened by them, I commend you on evolving with the times. Welcome to the new 21st century of dating.

-J.D.

The Battle of Insecurities.

Insecurities. Everyone has them, and those who say they don't are lying. For even the most conceited person can be knocked down a peg and forced to reevaluate themselves from a single snide remark. And though we all have them, we often do not know how to deal with our own inner monster, which in turn can devastate not only us, but the potential of having a successful relationship.

A Jessica Doe* recently wrote me an e-mail informing me that her boyfriend hovers around her constantly giving her no space of her own or for her own friendships. He admitted to this, yet rather than trying not to be overbearing he continued to smother her. This resulted in Jessica feeling trapped and so she broke up with him. It is a vicious cycle that can often be repeated if you do not know how to deal with your own insecurities, and this can damage not only your outlook on yourself (confidence is always attractive), but how your partner looks at you and feels about your relationship.

The trick is to simply do some inner soul searching. Discover how you feel about yourself and more importantly why you feel that way. As I have said in previous articles, it is important for you to recognize your own inner worth first, otherwise no one else will. Most of us are actually like mirrors and though we think we remain transparent, we are often easy to read with body language, tone of voice, etc. So even though you think you may be hiding it well, just know that this may not be the case.

Rather than letting this monster of insecurity consume you, confront it. By doing so, you can figure out ways to deal with it, without becoming overbearing. The best way to go about this is communicating with your partner. If they are overtly friendly and you read into this as "flirting" then let them know how it makes you feel. Usually this results in compromise if handled correctly (and not coming off as if you are verbally attacking them, no one wins in those situations). Yet with being more open, both parties must work on helping each other to overcome the monster. This means you have to work on not acting jealous, needy, or depressed if the two of you are not together 24/7.

Remember, soldiers, independence is always good in a relationship. It is important to have your time away from each other so you are refreshed when you come back together. Do not lose yourself in someone else, by doing so we lose not only our sense of "self" but we also lose the relationships we have with others around us.

If your partner continues to act insecure and needy to the point that the relationship brings on more stress than happiness, it may be that your partner needs to work it out for themselves and you cannot help them, which is what I told Jessica Doe. With their relationship being over she can finally breathe, and has done him a favor by giving him the distance he needed so he can confront his monster all on his own. 

Remember soldiers, before we can hope to find love out there we have to find our own self-love. This means accepting all parts of ourselves: the good, the bad, and the ugly. If we see pieces of ourselves we think are ugly, we alone have the power to change them. That power is yours, and yours alone.

Love,

J.D.