Fear of Love

I know I fell off the radar recently, soldiers... but life throws you lots of curve balls and lately mine has been filled with them (I'll get to that in one of my coming articles), but as for right now I have been reading through your e-mails and though I am a little backed up I want to attempt to answer as many of them as I can in the coming weeks. So please, bare with me! I had a fellow Doe girl write me who says she is dating a guy who has a fear of expressing his emotions and she doesn't know how to deal with that. So after doing a little bit of my own investigating I have decided to have my first blog back be about people who fear love and emotion. I can only hope you haven't lost faith in me, or in our shared mission.
-J.D.

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The sticky situation: searching
for your better half.

Love is something everybody searches for in this world. A person who they can depend on, and truly be themselves around. A person who inspires them to be better in any capacity whether it is to be stronger, smarter, sweeter, or more selfless, (which, lets face it, is very hard to find in LA LA Land). Girls tend to be much more in tune with their emotions... it goes hand in hand with being a woman unless you have trained yourself to be more romantically cautious and not wear your heart on your sleeve. Yet, for a lot of men, it is difficult to appear vulnerable, which is why they often keep their emotions in check and don't give away too much. Leaving many of us girls to wonder: how does he feel in all of this?

Is this what you're attempting to break through?

More often than not, men attempt to keep their own emotions in check because they see being in touch with their emotions as "weakness" and more often than not, openly expressing your feelings gives the person you "love" a transfer of power... the ability to recognize that power, and have the potential of  hurt you. No one likes the idea of ending up heartbroken, so because of this, they "keep" their power by not divulging too much information and not communicating openly about their feelings. This doesn't mean they are not feeling anything... contrary to popular belief, they "feel"too!

So when does a guy actually start opening up and telling you how he feels about you? Well, honestly it depends on the guy. But more often than not it is when they start to see you are making a difference in their life (for the better), that they can open up to you without fear of being judged, and lastly when they feel comfortable... and can just be themselves. Being able to open up to someone and show them all of you is tricky, but so rewarding when you find someone you can just connect to.

The right person will always light you up.

Love comes to us in all different ways. The best thing I could tell you, soldiers, is this: Be true to yourselves and don't be afraid of your own emotions, even if they scare you. I say this because recognizing your own feelings will allow you to help your partner discover theirs. Half of the battle is just the journey: so be open to the experiences that go along with the journey and you will find yourself happier while not only discovering your partner, but also discovering other parts of your inner self.

Jane Doe over and out.

How To Break The Cycle

My fellow Does, I apologize for falling off the radar recently. Things got a little complicated on the battlefield front. But I am back and ready to inform. Will not disappear like that again. Scouts honor!

-J.D.

Cyclical Dating

I recently had a reader comment on how she always seems to fall for the same type of guy... the guy who needs saving. She explained to me her exasperation in these situations and so I decided to focus on how  cyclical dating is not only disastrous to your love life, but is also a really bad habit that you should break.

I decided to really hone this and do some investigating. We all go for what feels comfortable, but usually by doing this and defining a specific "type" we seclude ourselves from other possible (and probably more successful) relationships. Think about it: If you go for the kind of relationship where the person needs saving, why didn't the relationships work with the other people you felt you needed to previously save? Was the relationship doomed because you couldn't save the person? Or was it that once the person was saved you were no longer interested?

Stop crying the same tears.

There are many different types of cyclical dating. This could even mean going back to the same person over and over again hoping things will change for the better. If you feel comfortable with someone who is distant emotionally and you feel that you can help get them in touch with their feelings (and hope to get them in touch with yours) you are already setting yourself up for disappointment. Leopards don't change their spots. And if you think dating someone will provoke a change in them you will only be sorely disappointed.

Cyclical dating is like a disease, and you have to find a vaccine that can help you break the mold and try something new. When we put ourselves in situations that we are not use to we get that surge of feelings with butterflies because of this newness. This is what makes the relationship fun and exciting. If we fear that excitement and the possibility of finding something different that makes us happy, we can self-sabotage this happiness by running back to what we "know" and what feels like a constant. This is not a healthy relationship because there isn't room for growth and if you remain stagnant then not only is the relationship ultimately doomed but so is your possibility of any future happiness.

Don't close doors that you have yet to explore before being willing to take a peak inside. By not having a specific "type," you leave yourself open to more chances at finding someone you can click with and more potential suitors.

My fellow Does, do not fall in your own trap and create your own unhappiness by falling into this rut of the constant and safe. Take chances. Meet new people. Give others a chance to know you and to love you. This can only be accomplished if you are willing to take risks and let go of the past and what was for the potential of living in the present. As Grammy Doe use to say, "Yesterday's history, tomorrow's a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why we call it the present" Live in the moment and find your real happiness.

Jane Doe Over and Out.

Letting Go

I recently had a fellow Doe girl open up to me, sharing her story about having trouble letting go of an ex. I have decided to copy pieces of her story below:

"I was at the guy that I am dating's house on Saturday night. We hung out and watched a movie and well we have been out on a bunch of dates now so we decided to take it a little further and we had sex. So we had this great night and I told him that I have major trust issues with guys. Well when we went to sleep I had a dream about my ex-fiance. The dream was about him and I and we were madly in love again and we ran off with each other and he left his wife for me (my ex fiance is now married) after that dream I woke up happy and looked over and saw the guy that I am now dating and got sad it wasn't my ex fiance. I haven't been with my ex for about 5 years now. What can you make of this? -Janet Doe"

Well, I would first like to tell you that you are not alone. Many people have trouble getting over past relationships. Especially when they were emotionally scarred by the person. A few Does (both Johns and Janes that I know) have had issues with such things or still are. The thing you must realize is that you cannot let your past that left you feeling broken determine whether you find future happiness or not. By allowing your ex(es) to have this power over you, it shows that you are hesitant to give someone else a fair chance to know you and know all of you. By doing this, you are not allowing yourself to move on or giving yourself the opportunity to ever really be happy.

Letting go is hard but it is essential to finding a new love. Otherwise you will always be waiting for the one person who broke your heart in the past... and what is to stop them from doing it  again? As hard as it is, we must all try not to bring our emotional baggage from past relationships to our new or future ones because if we do, we are not giving the new people in our life a fair opportunity and are in a way self-sabotaging our whole mission at finding love. I had an ex-boyfriend who was very sweet but had so much emotional baggage at the young age of twenty-six that it was exhausting to try and console him and assure him I wasn't like the other women he had dated. It got to the point that the relationship felt like a chore and not an enjoyment and soon after that, we broke up.

Exes are funny in the sense that they have a way of popping back up into your life as soon as you are happy. This is usually because their ego needs a pick-me-up and they want to see if they still have their power over you. It usually involves some line like this: "I realize what we had and how it was so special. I want to give us another try." Blah, blah, blah.... bullsh*t. Being happy and moving on is the best revenge, because as soon as you don't want said person they begin to crave that attention and crave you. After all, you are happy and they aren't. So they have to pursue what made them happy to begin with and that was having the power of manipulation.

Let go of the one who let you down.

So give yourself an emotional pep talk and see whether you are truly ready to let go of the past and allow yourself to refresh and find what genuinely makes you happy.  This means usually severing all ties so the person doesn't continue to tease or torment you, which they will do. Whether it is intentional or not is hard to say, but it will still hurt because they stand as a reminder.

Don't let your monster consume you.

As I have said before, make sure you are content with your life... it is important never to depend on someone to create happiness for you. You must create your own happiness and then find the person that adds to it. Life and love are all about choices, and once we close the door on our past, new doors open for our future. But you will always have an emotional and mental road block to finding your future happiness if you don't give yourself closure.

If you are dating in the hopes that you will find someone to replace the person from your past then you are not ready to get back into the game of dating. Everyone is different, and so everyone deserves a equal opportunity to prove they are worth your time and your love. Leave your emotional baggage at the door until you are really beginning to know the person fully. If you dump too much on them too soon it scares them away. Give them a chance to really get to know you, show your good points and charms before exposing your battle scars. This allows them to know that you have been wounded but are strong and worth fighting for!

Stay strong fellow soldiers, love is a battlefield so wear your protective armor and look toward the horizon. Your bright future is ahead of you, if you just leave the past behind you.

-Jane Doe over and out.
  

Only Give As Much As You Can Take

After another wonderful night out with my fellow Does we got on the discussion of going out of your way for a person. I have been guilty of this quite a few times, adopting the name "doormat" because it was so easy to get stepped on. I was always doing favors, cleaning, cooking, etc. for the person I was crazy for. Because of that I usually saw my doing such things as a way to prove myself and my love to that person. The problem is, most of the time, the guys I would do for would come up short in returning the favor. This led to a vicious cycle: I would continue to do more in the hopes of receiving some sort of gratitude or recognition.

I am not to only woman to make this mistake, there are a lot of us out there (guys too, I'm sure) and its exhausting and frustrating knowing that you are overworking yourself and being unappreciated. No one likes being played, and certainly no one likes being taken advantage of, whether you are male or female, the idea behind that bites.

My dear friend Jodie Doe* (names have been changed to protect the innocent) is a kind-hearted girl who lives to please others and because of this her kindness is always used and abused. People always know they can depend on Jodie and because of this lovers, family, and friends depend on her to pick up the pieces for their mistakes. Because she has adopted this reputation of being like a "mother" and fixing situations, she is now exploited by said individuals. 

It is definitely a hard habit to break, but eventually people have to start being a little selfish and thinking of their own needs. I am not saying to not be there for those that are there for you, but love, caring and devotion should be reciprocal otherwise the relationship isn't truly a healthy one... or even a real relationship. Relationships are all about compromise: your partner has to be willing to meet you half way. Only you can truly know and recognize when you are not being truly appreciated. So each John Doe and Jane Doe must ask themselves: When is enough really enough?

If you are constantly the person doing all the sacrificing in a relationship chances are, this person will never compromise for you because they expect for you to do all of it, after all, you have already established this pattern. So if you are feeling unappreciated express your opinion, and don't be accusatory, just state how you feel. Sometimes the average joe doesn't even realize they are doing it... other times they are just use to getting their way all the time, and in the long run, selfish people never really change. So don't expect them to change for you.

Know that when you are a good, loving person you will find someone out there who recognizes your good traits (and can tolerate your bad ones) and can love and appreciate you just the way you are.

-Jane Doe over and out.

Sex: When Is It Too Soon?

Sex is interesting when first introduced to a new relationship because it usually brings about more questions than answers. People often ask me when is too soon to have sex. The answer varies depending upon the person and the relationship. Sex is wonderful because it gives you a chance to really get to know your partner on a more intimate level. A person is more exposed during sex and because of this it gives you a better understanding of your partner... are they adventurous? Do they enjoy kissing as much during sex? Do they look you in the eye or hide their face so you cannot see them? Such habits can help you really know whether a person is shy, self-conscious, or trusting and open.

There are many clues you can read by body language. When a person looks into your eyes it means they are concentrating solely on you. When a person enjoys kissing a lot during sex it shows the person is affectionate and that they crave all of you. The best kind of lovers love kissing, because your lips can mimic your hips and this creates a heightened sense of pleasure to more than one area of the body. Another great sign for intimacy is "hand holding," which shows that the person wants to be connected to you even if in an innocent way. WARNING: If a person avoids your eye contact and avoids kissing you, be cautious... this person is either insecure or may be afraid of deeper intimacy.  Keep your guard up.

As far as when it is appropriate to bring sex into a new relationship depends strictly on how you feel about sex. It is usually best to get to know a person a bit before having sex because it shows you have an interest in them and not what is between their legs. Besides that, everything is fun and exciting in the beginning and once sex is introduced it keeps things fun and fresh. There isn't a set date or time you should have sex. Listen to your gut instincts and do it when it feels right.

Be a giving lover and show that you want to please your partner, by doing so it shows that it is more than just sex, it is intimacy you want to share with them. This shows that pleasing them pleases you. What is most important is that you understand sex is meant to give you the chance to know your partner better. It is intimate and so you should let the person really get to know you, your body, your likes and dislikes. Be open and honest and you will have a healthy sexual relationship, which is essential for any happy relationship.

Make sure you keep it fresh and be willing to try new things. Switch up positions during sex because the constant motion in a single position will grow tiresome for both of you.

Guys, also do you best to learn how to hold out from orgasming too quickly. After talking to a few of my fellow Ladies Does we got to talking about this and discovered that quite a few guys have had this problem. Usually switching positions and slowing down the speed can help. Communicate with your partner about "needs" in order to make sure both yours AND theirs are fulfilled as well.

Most importantly, have fun!

-Jane Doe over and out.

The Naked Truth

I decided for my first real blog it should be one direct and to the point. As a special operative on this mission, I feel it is important not to beat around the bush. While on this topic of “beating,” I would like to inform guys that it is also classless and unattractive when a guy decides to send pictures of his member in the hopes of wooing a woman. I have now had two experiences like this, with two different men. One, we will call him Nick*, sent me a picture of his member before we even made it out on the date, as if the size were suppose to impress me and somehow get me hot and bothered... instead, I was repulsed. 

Men need to understand women are not visual the same way men are. Where most guys actually get turned on while looking at a naked woman or her body parts, women are more into sensuality and thus it is our imagination and a man’s touch that gets us hot and bothered… not, I repeat, NOT a photo of your member, regardless of it’s size, unless you want to just be used for your member and never be considered as anything more than a lay. But boys that’s up to you!

I also have women often ask me about when it is considered appropriate to send a man they are dating naked pictures of themselves. I for one, find this to be only all right if, and only if, the guy and you are serious. Otherwise, you are only sending the message that you want to be a piece of ass and nothing more (This applies whether you are a guy or a girl). And yet the problem with sending pictures of yourself naked is they have the potential of falling into the wrong hands. The question you have to be willing to ask yourself is would you be comfortable with finding your pictures up on a website or being looked at by others? Ladies: if not, skip the “detailed” version and send him a picture of your head and shoulders with a little bit of cleavage. 

By doing this, you are not sending technical pornography and you can simply attach the picture with the words: “You get to see the rest when you come home.” It saves you from any real damage and also leaves a little something to the imagination, which piques a man’s interest. After all, a man that never knows what his girlfriend is going to do next has to keep on his toes and that keeps the relationship fresh and exciting.

In conclusion, picture texting and emailing parts of your body have a slew more cons than pros. So unless you truly know your recipient will appreciate said pictures and can completely be trusted with them, don’t do it.

Jane Doe of LA, over and out.

Introductions

I am a girl on a mission.

My identity is irrelevant to what it is I have set out to say, and what it is I hope to accomplish. I grew up in the superficial world of Hollywoodland. And now, I have set out to find love--real love. In this town, a town that wants nothing more than to escape the crow’s feet and the lard that gradually begins to creep around the midsection with age and is completely drowning in the synthetic. A world where some men are just as vain as women, sometimes even worse!

I only hope that it is not too late. That you, have not given up hope yet and that I can steer you on the right path. As females, to stay away from the grubby toads and pigs that seems to outnumber the decent men (yes this small clan actually exists). As for my male readers, I hope you take heed from some of these articles and stories I will provide you with so you will not be seen as a pig, nor a grubby toad... and perhaps you too will find one of the decent women that have not been diseased by the fake in this LA LA land we have come to call home.

Read on and you will be educated as well as entertained. And we can continue courageous and hopeful on this mission together.

-Jane Doe