When Men Scare Themselves

When women think of men we honestly think of them more like their own species. Usually this is because they have trouble expressing their emotions (so women have a hard time sharing a connection with them). When it comes to subjects such as "love" and when they really start liking a girl. More often then not, guys usually suffer from what the world now knows as 'word vomit': a case where the mouth opens and starts to express more than a man would like to admit. Usually, said man later regrets this sudden expressing of emotion and recoils.

More like 'runs for the hills' if you asked me.

In an email, I had Jessica Doe* open up to me about this guy she had been on a couple dates and things were going great. According to her, a hot sexual tension was building but because she didn't "give it up" after the second date her date accused her of trying to pin him down into a relationship. Jessica, being caught off guard by this sudden attack simply responded that they were "just dating" and that she didn't even know if she were ready for a relationship because she was still getting to know him. Needless to say, her date felt like an ass... which, in retrospect, he should have because most girls (minus the "needy" ones) don't want to pin just any guy down. We don't want to be tied down unless we know for sure we want only you. After this talk, he completely started ignoring Jessica and I explained that lots of women have experienced situations like this. Guys end up cutting off their nose to spite their face and ruin a good thing before anything can really develop from it simply because of unnecessary fears.

Jenny Doe* told me that she and a male friend had become quite close and that he wanted to introduce intimacy into their relationship. She explained to him she was looking for more than sex and his response was that he too was looking for more than sex, in fact, he used the word "girlfriend." However, the next day, after hormones had subsided he realized he let his hormones speak for him and recanted his statement about wanting a girlfriend. This doomed not only any chance of a relationship, but also their friendship.

Shocked? Not really. This is actually most of the emails we have been receiving from our readers. This problem with word vomit has become a true concern because it leaves us wondering when we actually can open up to a partner and not scare them, or even worse, have them scare themselves.

"God gave [men] a penis and a brain and only enough blood to run one at a time"

                                                                                                     -Robin Williams

So what causes a guy to get a case of "word vomit" the answer is simple: comfort. When a guy feels comfortable with you he feels he can really be himself and speak freely. But why do they run for the hills after the fact? I decided to investigate and discovered two main reasons for recoiling from a case of "word vomit."

Fear of vulnerability: Men enjoy having the upper hand. When a guy appears weak or like he has given you the power by saying how emotionally invested he is he begins to feel emasculated. This isn't truly because of you saying or doing anything, ladies. More often then not, guys can dig themselves into this hole all by themselves and usually after the fact, they realize they did this and so they begin to pull away because they want to get their sense of power and manliness back.

Fear of Claustrophobia: This is a completely metaphorical fear that involves men feeling emotionally trapped to one woman. One woman means they are tied down and lack the power to go out, meet other women and flirt. He begins to feel closed off from other opportunities and so he pulls away when things start to get a little more emotionally intense.

How to avoid experiencing word vomit with a guy:

When it still feels too soon or new the best way to save your guy from experiencing word vomit is to cut him off with a kiss, it keeps his mouth busy and keeps him silent. No matter how nice the words may sound, you don't want it where the words he says leads to him having regrets the next day. So take it slow, actions speak louder than words anyway.

Gents, save yourself from future "word vomit" experiences by thinking before you speak. Ask yourself, "am I going to regret saying this tomorrow?" If the answer is yes, keep it to yourself. Because in the end, you may push away a girl that could have made you happy all because you freaked yourself out and became your own worst enemy.

Jane Doe over and out.

Wave Your Freak Flag!

I decided that today's post should be about sex toys since yesterday's was about fear of performance. It is true there are a lot of men who are threatened by sex toys. I actually had an ex who said, "what's the matter, am I not enough for you?"What men don't understand is it can be hard to get a girl off and sometimes vibrations stimulate us faster, which makes a guy's life easier.

Everyone needs a little lovin'.

Guys should learn to feel comfortable with toys because using them actually keeps things feeling new and exciting. This is especially true when you switch things up. I knew a guy who actually was grossed out when he found out a girl he was seeing had a vibrator. Surprise, James Doe, most women do, the difference is we don't all broadcast it and are a little more discreet. I found this slightly hypocritical too because think about it, guys love to masturbate so why shouldn't a girl be able to get herself off too? Women can actually get sexually teased just as much as men do. And since men aren't always around at the opportune moment, we rely on our dependable friend an arm's length away.

I think the main problem guys have with sex toys is that they already have the male ego which puts pressure on them and now they are competing with a little machine that always gets the job done right. Instead of seeing the toy as an enemy. See it as your partner in crime. After all, Batman had times he relied on Robin to rescue him so why can't a toy help a guy out every now and again?

Switching up positions does keep things fresh for a while but to keep things piping hot you have to be willing to treat your lover's body like "new". Toys actually create this illusion of sharing the experience of exploring each other's bodies for the first time in a new way together (yes it is a sexual bonding experience). And don't worry Gents, there are male sex toys for your enjoyment too!

I always love watching couples who walk nervously into a sex shop for the first time together and are giddy with excitement. It actually reminds me of that moment when you were about thirteen and were kissed for the very first time and felt that rush of adrenaline and energy because it was new. Keeping things feeling this way guarantees we don't fall into routines which are honestly boring. Imagine if every time you had sex you stayed in missionary and only missionary. My God, you would fall asleep in the middle of the act!

You don't want the relationship turning rusty, and by rusty this means that you and your partner begin to actually get use to the same routine and have sex less and less and then the worst happens: You get so comfortable that it is almost as if you are brother and sister or just friends hanging out, lacking any real spice or sexual intimacy. Sex will begin to feel like a chore rather than as an act of blissful release, which is what it is suppose to be!

This doesn't mean start off with something scary and intimidating, (don't bite off more than you can chew), but start small and work up your comfort level from there. Who knows, you might actually discover new ways to pleasure you and your partner. So fellow soldiers, be willing to try new things while on your mission, you might surprise yourself!

Keep it steamy, soldiers!

-Jane Doe over and out.

Afraid of Sex?

I recently had a fellow Doe write in informing me that this guy she was seeing was afraid to take the plunge between the sheets. I actually received three fellow Does emails complaining of this and I found this very interesting because men are supposedly known for "constantly" wanting sex and nothing but. This led me to ask my fellow John Does what is the reasoning behind this? After many discussions we came to a startling conclusion: fear of performance.

Where many guys think they are a Pro when it comes to gratification between the sheets, there is a select group who actually feel less than qualified at giving a successful romp in the sack. Whether it is because of insecurities, a previously bruised ego, or not much experience; the reasoning could be rather simple or complicated but the trick is never to expose this problem or issue to your significant other in a way that causes them to become more self-conscious. Instead, a plan of attack is usually your best bet!

As all my fellow Does should know, actions speak louder than words. It may take some guidance, but you should show your partner what you want. Guys feel the need to always prove they know what they are doing when a lot of the time they are clueless (where is this clitoris you speak of?) If you are a man who has this fear of sex, (or Genophobia as it is scientifically classified), then you should express that you want to learn. This doesn't make you sexually retarded, in fact, it actually puts you a step ahead of where most guys "think" they are. This doesn't mean telling your partner that you are sexually inept. But rather by saying something like, "I want to learn how to please you."This focuses the emphasis on your partner and they will be more than happy to teach you if you give them the opportunity and make it that it is about them.

If your guy is self-conscious, which almost everyone is, then make them aware of what you like about them and their body. I had a fellow Doe actually write me and I decided to share her story with all of you.
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"Dear Jane Doe,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost two years. I fell in love with him and thought he was the perfect gentleman because he wanted to wait to have sex. After dating for almost eight months we decided it was right and we had sex but he was extremely self conscious about the size of his equipment. It became a problem more for him than it did for me because he felt he wasn't doing it right. We ended up seeing a sex therapist for a year and he recommended we learn other ways to please ourselves. What is your take on this situation?

Thank you,

Confused Doe"

Well, in all honesty the size of a guys equipment usually is more a problem for the man than the woman and this is because his actual manliness is threatened by size. A man feels like a man only when he embodies this image of what he believes a man should look and be like. What a lot of men do not understand is many women do not get off from sex even though it does feel good. I agree with the therapist in that you and your partner should find other ways to please each other. For you, oral or other methods of foreplay to guarantee you do reach orgasm. This ensures that you get satisfied, which will in turn, satisfy him and make him feel more like a man. Other possibilities for pleasure include sex toys, (though many men are threatened by them), because they give you new ways to discover each others bodies and pleasures.

In conclusion, Confused Doe, the only thing you can do is try. If he still is having his own issues with sex after attempting new things it might be time to take a break because sometimes people need to learn things on their own. And if the two of you have trouble communicating with sex this will lead to other problems down the road. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make 'em drink it, right?

Fellow Does, you must understand no one is a perfect partner right off the bat! You have to learn because practice makes perfect. So start educating yourself. After all, if you don't learn when you are young you never will and in the end, only you will suffer from not understanding how to do it right. As I have said time and time again, a happy sexual relationship is a key factor in a healthy relationship. So if you are dating someone who has a fear of sex and isn't willing to learn and grow as a person, do yourself a favor and say bon voyage! You don't want to date (or worse, to be) that creepy inexperienced forty-year old. Trust me, you'll thank me later!

Learn while there's still time!

-Jane Doe over and out.

Don't Hold Your Breath

Did your mama ever teach you that wise old saying, "never put all your eggs in one basket"? This is one of those sayings that not only applied fifty years ago but still applies today... especially when looked at with the dating world.

Now this is not telling you to go out and be a whore (this applies to men as well). But it does tell you not to depend completely on one person to make you happy pre-relationship. If you are still new to knowing each other it is important to see what else is out there. Otherwise, how will you know you really like the person unless you have something else to compare them to?

Speed Dating

This is why things like "speed dating" actually are pretty good because they not only allow you to judge your "suitors" by first impressions (which are usually right), but to also observe and see what else is available. The other brilliant thing about this concept is that you really don't have to spend too much time with the person (if you get the weirdo vibe) and so there is less pressure to keep going like many people have to with that first awkward date experience.

Don't be sleazy, but see what's out there.

As the saying goes, there are plenty of fish in the sea, so make sure you caught a good one and test the other fish if you and your partner are not yet committed. You owe them nothing until they actually tell you they want to see you and only you. Make them work for your affections. You are more desirable when others want you too. Make them work for your love and affection. Until they ask you where this is going, live it up, have fun, be safe and most importantly put yourself in situations where you will grow from your experiences. As I have said before, this is what life is all about.

Never wear your heart on your sleeve fellow Does, you keep yourself vulnerable that way. So show your date just how much others want you and soon they will crave your undivided attention. Until then, test those waters!

Love,

Jane Doe.

The Truth About Friends with Benefits

There has always been one time or another where the lines of friends and lovers has been slightly blurred. Mostly, its because you spend so much time getting to know this friend that you feel a closeness to them and comfortable around them. I, Jane Doe, must admit that I have crossed this line on two occasions and it is a one way road (once sex happens, there's no "going back").

There are both pros and cons to this type of situation. The obvious being the straight, no strings attached sex that leaves both partners feeling no pressures about having to woo the other. It can be hot, steamy and is sometimes the best sex you have ever had because you feel uninhibited (you can just be yourself). However, once you enter into this type of arrangement it must be clear on both sides that this is strictly physical and that is it.

A funny take on the "Situation."

The trouble with friends with benefits is 99% of the time, one person starts to invest their feelings in this arrangement or hope for more (this could happen without you or them even being aware of it). Or one person wants to pursue someone else for a serious romance, leaving the friends with benefits situation.  It basically leads to a lot of doubts specifically about the friendship and whether it will last (which most of the time, it doesn't). Sex truly can complicate a friendship because whether or not you feel comfortable about what happened you never can know what the other person is thinking and feeling. Even if you try to act indifferent about having sex, your friend can make the situation awkward simply because you hurt their feelings by treating the situation like it was "no big deal". YOU MUST: Talk it out before jumping into bed together because talking it out determines the arrangement.

I was seeing this guy Jay* and we became fast friends. I knew he was into me, but I had just come out of a serious relationship that left me heartbroken, I found myself not very trusting and ready to start something new. Jay had also come out of a two-year relationship. So we started off originally just being friends and that lasted for about two months. We would hang out, we even had some courses together. Jay and I would work on projects and study together or just simply talk. One night at a party, Jay actually kissed me and I found myself kissing him back. He told me he had found an answer to our "issue" with starting a relationship and suggested we give it a go as friends with benefits. I, (having never had previous experience with this type of situation), agreed. The sex lasted for a good four months... It was incredible. Yet anytime Jay saw a guy come talk to me he assumed I was trying to get with other guys behind his back. In retaliation he decided to flirt with every possible girl in front of me. Feelings on both sides got hurt and we drifted apart losing not only the wonderful times we had between the sheets, but also our entire friendship. Jay is a very good guy, and honestly I would not trade the experience because I learned a lot from it. Things like what I was willing to put up with, what I wouldn't, and what I wanted from a relationship.

If you see no possibility of a relationship and there is an obvious mutual attraction, it is important to explore, try new things and grow from said experiences (both the good and the bad). Just know there is the possibility of having your friendship go up in smoke. Or you could even unknowingly invest more emotions in the physical than you had originally intended to. Just as long as you know it is a "fling" (something that lasts for a while and then fizzles out like a match), the situation can teach you a lot, but keep your guard up and have fun with it.

Whether you and your friend will be friends after the fact is another story. One guarantee of a successful friends with benefits experience is to make sure you keep it between the two of you. Honestly it is no one else's business. It is an arrangement between the two of you, so keep it that way. Be open and honest with your "friend" about what you want and what you don't. As long as this wasn't a friendship for years that you are risking and is someone you feel comfortable around, you might actually learn a thing or two about yourself.

Just remember fellow soldiers, life is all about experience. So if you have the opportunity to learn and grow, then take it. Life is too short and no one likes staying stagnant in love, life, or experience.

-Jane Doe over and out.

Letting Go

I recently had a fellow Doe girl open up to me, sharing her story about having trouble letting go of an ex. I have decided to copy pieces of her story below:

"I was at the guy that I am dating's house on Saturday night. We hung out and watched a movie and well we have been out on a bunch of dates now so we decided to take it a little further and we had sex. So we had this great night and I told him that I have major trust issues with guys. Well when we went to sleep I had a dream about my ex-fiance. The dream was about him and I and we were madly in love again and we ran off with each other and he left his wife for me (my ex fiance is now married) after that dream I woke up happy and looked over and saw the guy that I am now dating and got sad it wasn't my ex fiance. I haven't been with my ex for about 5 years now. What can you make of this? -Janet Doe"

Well, I would first like to tell you that you are not alone. Many people have trouble getting over past relationships. Especially when they were emotionally scarred by the person. A few Does (both Johns and Janes that I know) have had issues with such things or still are. The thing you must realize is that you cannot let your past that left you feeling broken determine whether you find future happiness or not. By allowing your ex(es) to have this power over you, it shows that you are hesitant to give someone else a fair chance to know you and know all of you. By doing this, you are not allowing yourself to move on or giving yourself the opportunity to ever really be happy.

Letting go is hard but it is essential to finding a new love. Otherwise you will always be waiting for the one person who broke your heart in the past... and what is to stop them from doing it  again? As hard as it is, we must all try not to bring our emotional baggage from past relationships to our new or future ones because if we do, we are not giving the new people in our life a fair opportunity and are in a way self-sabotaging our whole mission at finding love. I had an ex-boyfriend who was very sweet but had so much emotional baggage at the young age of twenty-six that it was exhausting to try and console him and assure him I wasn't like the other women he had dated. It got to the point that the relationship felt like a chore and not an enjoyment and soon after that, we broke up.

Exes are funny in the sense that they have a way of popping back up into your life as soon as you are happy. This is usually because their ego needs a pick-me-up and they want to see if they still have their power over you. It usually involves some line like this: "I realize what we had and how it was so special. I want to give us another try." Blah, blah, blah.... bullsh*t. Being happy and moving on is the best revenge, because as soon as you don't want said person they begin to crave that attention and crave you. After all, you are happy and they aren't. So they have to pursue what made them happy to begin with and that was having the power of manipulation.

Let go of the one who let you down.

So give yourself an emotional pep talk and see whether you are truly ready to let go of the past and allow yourself to refresh and find what genuinely makes you happy.  This means usually severing all ties so the person doesn't continue to tease or torment you, which they will do. Whether it is intentional or not is hard to say, but it will still hurt because they stand as a reminder.

Don't let your monster consume you.

As I have said before, make sure you are content with your life... it is important never to depend on someone to create happiness for you. You must create your own happiness and then find the person that adds to it. Life and love are all about choices, and once we close the door on our past, new doors open for our future. But you will always have an emotional and mental road block to finding your future happiness if you don't give yourself closure.

If you are dating in the hopes that you will find someone to replace the person from your past then you are not ready to get back into the game of dating. Everyone is different, and so everyone deserves a equal opportunity to prove they are worth your time and your love. Leave your emotional baggage at the door until you are really beginning to know the person fully. If you dump too much on them too soon it scares them away. Give them a chance to really get to know you, show your good points and charms before exposing your battle scars. This allows them to know that you have been wounded but are strong and worth fighting for!

Stay strong fellow soldiers, love is a battlefield so wear your protective armor and look toward the horizon. Your bright future is ahead of you, if you just leave the past behind you.

-Jane Doe over and out.
  

Only Give As Much As You Can Take

After another wonderful night out with my fellow Does we got on the discussion of going out of your way for a person. I have been guilty of this quite a few times, adopting the name "doormat" because it was so easy to get stepped on. I was always doing favors, cleaning, cooking, etc. for the person I was crazy for. Because of that I usually saw my doing such things as a way to prove myself and my love to that person. The problem is, most of the time, the guys I would do for would come up short in returning the favor. This led to a vicious cycle: I would continue to do more in the hopes of receiving some sort of gratitude or recognition.

I am not to only woman to make this mistake, there are a lot of us out there (guys too, I'm sure) and its exhausting and frustrating knowing that you are overworking yourself and being unappreciated. No one likes being played, and certainly no one likes being taken advantage of, whether you are male or female, the idea behind that bites.

My dear friend Jodie Doe* (names have been changed to protect the innocent) is a kind-hearted girl who lives to please others and because of this her kindness is always used and abused. People always know they can depend on Jodie and because of this lovers, family, and friends depend on her to pick up the pieces for their mistakes. Because she has adopted this reputation of being like a "mother" and fixing situations, she is now exploited by said individuals. 

It is definitely a hard habit to break, but eventually people have to start being a little selfish and thinking of their own needs. I am not saying to not be there for those that are there for you, but love, caring and devotion should be reciprocal otherwise the relationship isn't truly a healthy one... or even a real relationship. Relationships are all about compromise: your partner has to be willing to meet you half way. Only you can truly know and recognize when you are not being truly appreciated. So each John Doe and Jane Doe must ask themselves: When is enough really enough?

If you are constantly the person doing all the sacrificing in a relationship chances are, this person will never compromise for you because they expect for you to do all of it, after all, you have already established this pattern. So if you are feeling unappreciated express your opinion, and don't be accusatory, just state how you feel. Sometimes the average joe doesn't even realize they are doing it... other times they are just use to getting their way all the time, and in the long run, selfish people never really change. So don't expect them to change for you.

Know that when you are a good, loving person you will find someone out there who recognizes your good traits (and can tolerate your bad ones) and can love and appreciate you just the way you are.

-Jane Doe over and out.