Fearing A Real Connection

I recently received a few emails asking my opinions on sex and what can heighten it from, blah to good to wow! I started to really do some research by interviewing a bunch of Does (both male and female) on the subject of sex and what makes it sparkle.

The truth is, all sex has the opportunity to reach the top if it is given the chance to blossom. Sex is all about the connection to the person you are intimate with. Thus why intimacy itself is so important. The more open and honest you are with the person you are intimate with, the more raw and intense the sex will be. Connecting and being completely honest with one person can be terrifying. I know for a fact, many people have a problem with this, especially with all our awesome modern technological conveniences. We end up relying on these devices to help us  reach out to people, but in doing so, we are cutting ourselves off from retaining the real human connection.

By no longer having this human connection, we are basically barricading our emotions in our own war trench. Never allowing ourselves to be exposed to the good things: love, passion, and intensity, in order to keep out the bad: disappointment, hurt, and rejection. By locking ourselves away we are the only ones who suffer in the end. As a strong soldier, I can honestly say there have been times where I felt I needed to build up some shield just to protect myself, but in doing this, I was only holding myself back from living through my experiences.

Keep your heart open.

One thing I have learned is it is important to learn from every relationship you experience. Rather than being hurt or angry that it didn't work with people in the past, I honestly would look at it this way, feel sorry for the people who hold themselves back from making a real connection to another. In the end, it's them that snoozes and loses because they are their own prisoner who keeps their emotions locked up. Life is all about risk. I feel sorry for those who are afraid of taking risks. Risks are what lead to adventure and opportunity.

Most people have this plan of getting married, having kids, and being successful. But they have no real concept of how they are to get there. The only way you can reach this is if you keep your heart open, be willing to let people see you for who you are. And give the chance to love and to be loved in return. If you shut that out, you will always find yourself unhappy and alone. The unknown can be terrifying but it can also be exhilarating if you see it as another opportunity to live and learn. So get out there and find that one connection that makes you feel whole. After all, we are all just puzzle pieces looking for that perfect fit. So go out and find yours!

Love,
Jane Doe

Being Hungry

It is always apparent when people look starved. Their eyes look wild, maybe slightly delirious. They look like they could use a Big Mac (maybe two) and like nothing will quite satisfy their appetite. The same could be said for a serial hungry dater.

Hungry daters are everywhere! They come in all shapes and sizes and are found in both men and women. The problem with hungry daters is they are so desperate for love and affection they are willing to get it anywhere. This is because they lack the confidence to believe they deserve something better. So they often sell themselves short and literally take whatever they can get.

"Insert Girl Here"

When a person is desperate, it shows. It shows in the way they look at their targets and the way they flirt with their targets. Rather than pouncing with claws extended on any guy or girl it is better to have standards for what you want, goals, and work towards finding what is a good fit for you. This means actually taking the time to get to know a person and giving them the opportunity to get to really know you too (strengths and weaknesses). This means opening up, exposing yourself for who you really are... and yes, that can be scary to try and really let someone, and not just anyone in.

Hungry daters often do not intend to look desperate or to settle, but in doing so often adopt the term "easy" or sadly even the term "slut". Fellow Does, do not sell yourself short by accepting just any attention. It is important to know your worth, what you deserve and hold out for the good soldier who is wanting to get to know you in your entirety. Do not date down in order to make yourself feel better, you will only find that you stay stagnant in your own goals because you don't have someone motivating and pushing you to achieve more. In conclusion, a person who doesn't motivate you will ultimately hold you down from your own goals and dreams. So dream big in every sense of the word and find who brings you true happiness.

Stay strong, soldiers!

-Jane Doe over and out.

Being Mr./Miss. Fix-It

Many people are under the impression that we can mold a specific person into the lover, or significant other we feel we want and deserve. This is only partially true. Most people pick up certain habits from previous experiences and relationships so in trying to change someone by breaking such habits and teaching them "the right way," (our way). We are left believing it will build not only a bond or a type of gratitude but also show this person why you are right for them. This is the foolish belief behind creating the "perfect partner."

"Could you lend me a hand here?"

The thing you have to be careful of is that you aren't molding this person into the perfect partner for someone else.

A person who constantly needs someone to put wind in their sails and build up their confidence and ego is like a train wreck waiting to happen. They are always going to rely on you (or someone else) to give them the support that they need.

"I'm a catch!"

It happens often that when we try to fix or help a person they begin to feel good about themselves and seek this inflated confidence from others (in order to inflate them further). However, once they get knocked off their pedestal, and knocked down a few pegs they usually come running back to you. Do you help them? Have they learned how important you are? And what you have to offer them?

Probably not, and the chances are if you take them back they will disappoint you again.

The truth of the matter is this: everyone has small issues but you cannot give someone the confidence or equip them with the emotions necessary to experience a real connection with a person, or the capacity to really feel and experience a loving relationship. They have to want to help themselves otherwise what's the point? Your words come out to help them but they aren't really heard. It all boils down to this: you wasting YOUR time and energy on a person who has to experience self love and be open for love. You cannot make this happen no matter how hard you try. They have to want it, and they have to want it with you.

If they don't, then look for a fixer upper that doesn't have too many issues with emotions and relationships... simplify and find a guy who doesn't remember to put the toilet seat back down.

You will find you have a lot more time on your hands and will feel grateful that you are appreciated by the people who "give and take" with you, without trying to carry all the weight on only your shoulders and be left feeling disappointed.

J.D. Over and Out!

Dating the Greedy.

Greed has a way of creeping up into certain situations, even in relationships. It's always surprising when you find in it one without even comprehending how it snuck in there.

The thing is, commitment phobics have a way of wanting their cake and eating it to. This may mean that while the relationship is still new they feel they have the right to act jealous while still having the potential to flirt and go out with others. Or it could mean they simply fear creating a real connection with one person so they try to delude themselves into believing they are young and should have as much fun as possible while the hourglass is still tilted in their favor.

Most people don't even realize they are doing this. The trick is to realize each of us is unique and has something special to offer anyone we have a relationship with. If they fail to realize this while they have you, then they honestly aren't right for you from the get go... With this said, do not deceive yourself into believing it can be something special or more significant if this person fails to recognize you for what you have to offer while they have you.

If the only way for them to realize what they had is to lose you than this is a person who has the potential to never really be satisfied with anything... and is therefore a BBD dater.

A BBD dater is the guy (or girl) always thinking there is a bigger better deal around the corner and so they like to keep their options open or upgrade frequently. This is a person who is toxic and should be avoided. Not only will you constantly feel like you aren't enough, and have potential jealousy issues, but you will also begin to second guess yourself and what you have to offer, which is NEVER good.

Stay true to yourself fellow Does. Know your worth and wait for the soldier who will recognize you for your true worth. Accepting anything less than that and you are simply settling.

Love, Jane Doe

New Years Resolutions

New Years resolutions are a funny thing. Most people drop said goals within the first three weeks of making them. I have come to accept this, and so I never start on the first because I want to have a chance of setting out to achieve a goal and following it through to completion.

Looking back on 2010 I can honestly say I am still here seeking what can be real and something deeper than the surface relationships most of us experience. 2010 held only missions of casualties of war that left me feeling slightly bruised, broken and even at times defeated. But I have come to realize I want and deserve something more than that; and the only way I am going to find happiness is by first having, (and really I do mean having), self love. 

I am on the road to discovering this: and I know it won't be easy. In fact, I am certain challenges will present themselves. (Exes are like herpes and pop up in the most inconvenient times), but I will not succumb to my past faults or flaws. 

Every experience life has brought to this soldier has made me smarter and stronger... Do not look back on those that were.  A fellow soldier sent me these wise words in an e-mail and I felt I should share them with you all: "Do not worry about the people from your past, there is a reason they didn't make it to your future" Rediscover what makes you unique and happy. Only then can we realize and project to others what it is we have to offer. Learn from your mistakes: there are no regrets in life, just lessons. 

To all my fellow soldiers, here's to a better year for all of us. Set your mind to something and see it through... Only you stand in the way of completing your mission. So continue to stay strong, love is still a messy battlefield.

Love,
Jane Doe

Going The Distance

I have come to terms with the fact that most people cannot usually do long distance. So many obstacles tend to get in the way and really push the limits on how far a couple's trust can go. The fact that you aren't there with the person and seeing them as often as you like can put a lot of stress on individuals within a relationship because it could leave either you or your partner wondering what is going on when your watchful eye isn't around. Especially when we have social networking sites such as Facebook or Myspace which allows us to "Facebook stalk" the person you are seeing.

Sometimes we even create relationship drama that doesn't even exist simply because we begin to read into things that aren't really there. Its rough but there has to be a clear level of honesty. And already established rules (are we an opened or closed relationship, etc.). As well as an overall goal for the long run (until you can move closer, or I can get a job transfer closer to you, etc.) Long distance relationships are hard but can work depending on a few factors. The first being that the relationship doesn't start with a significant distance already between the two of you. In the beginning of a relationship it is hard to get to know someone if they aren't around so that you are able to date casually and see if this is someone you actually would like to be with long term. If a distance, (or think of it as a challenging obstacle, soldiers) is put between you both after the two of you have gotten to know each other the relationship stands a chance because the two of you are already well acquainted and know and are willing to fight for the relationship's perseverance.

The most important thing is trust. I cannot stress this enough because honestly a lot of people like to have their cake and eat it too. This means that they could be going behind your back by finding someone closer to them and finding this relationship easier and more convenient. I, Jane Doe, have had a long distance relationship and can honestly say with the distance a lot of aspects of said relationship were not satisfying because I craved the closeness that wasn't within reach so to speak. If you are the kind of person who is okay without closeness and are completely secure with your independence I advise you to try one at least once because even if the relationship doesn't last, you can still learn so much about yourself from the experience. Answering questions like, "Am I a dedicated partner? To trusting? To needy?" Things we don't often like to really take a deep look and ask ourselves. 

Though my own long distance relationship did not last I did learn a lot about myself and what I was willing to work with and even some of the things I would not give the time of day. More often than not, a lot of long distance relationships don't work because both men and women crave time and attention. Even with all the technological conveniences that allow us to see and hear the person far away nothing beats the time we actually get to hold and touch them. It could be argued that long distance relationships teach us to cherish and savor the time that is spent together, and usually it does because we try to make every single minute count. But (and this is a big but) we should be doing this in every relationship regardless of the distance because you want to enjoy the relationship for however long it is meant to last.

Lastly, I would like to leave you with this. Distance will only work if your partner meets you halfway. This means the effort cannot be all one-sided because this is how your partner can show they want the relationship to work just as much as you do. Dedication on both ends is key. Trust your instincts and since you really know yourself better than anyone else, ask yourself whether the relationship has left you feeling whole and satisfied or a little empty. If you are having doubts it is important to confront them. If you keep entering into relationships with a significant distance between you and your partner(s) it is important for you to ask yourself why you keep looking for things with such an obstacle (are you afraid of having someone around too often and getting sick of them? Do you like keeping people at an arms length away as to not really get hurt?) As always: live, learn, and love. This love isn't just for your partner but is also a self-love because you have to do what makes you happy. 

Fight on, soldiers! Love is still a battlefield.

-JD

Getting Out of the "Bad Lands"

As we get older we all go through experiences both good and bad that mold us into the people we are meant to become. I, Jane Doe, recently experienced something that truly terrified me and made me not only resentful at my own feelings of powerlessness, but also made me want nothing more than to shut myself away from the world and everyone in it.

After a few weeks of completely alienating myself I slowly began to realize the only one I was punishing for being in a bad situation was me. A situation, which was almost entirely out of my control. Situations can either tear us down on make us stronger depending on how we let ourselves react to the experience. If we see it as a learning experience we can protect ourselves from similar future situations and can save ourselves a lot of pain from learning from the bad, instead of letting ourselves be consumed by it.

Everyone has experienced something painful. The important part is to not give up hope in humanity (not everyone is the same) and most importantly not to give up on yourself. When we let a bad experience get the best of us it begins to take control and creates a road block from any chance at finding and discovering happiness whether it be in big or little things.

Happiness can be found when you turn to the people who support you and love you for you. I highly recommend reaching out when you feel this emptiness because it is these relations we fall back on in order to familiarize ourselves with feeling safe again. Do not lock yourself away.

Hiding away from the world leaves
you feeling only emptiness.

Some days may be harder than others but it is important for you to cease every day and realize that you can control your own fate but only if you don't let situations determine what you do and make of your life.

Love,
Jane Doe