Losing You In Someone Else

Soldiers,

I have lately noticed an unbelievably scary trend within the dating scene in LA... something that I found not only thought provoking but frightening at the very same time. It is a disease I would like to name "coupledom": this is a virus where a person gets so attached to their significant other that they cannot sever ties with that person in their life. Most of the time, these people (I have found both men and women do this), will stay in an unhappy relationship and take a lot of self-inflicted abuse with unhappiness rather than face the possibility of being single.

Why the self-inflicted abuse? Why settle for mediocre when you can find someone who supplies you with real relationship nirvana? The answer is scary: a fear of being alone. So many soldiers I have talked to about this have an unmistakable fear of being unlovable. Even in the narcissistic world of Hollywoodland (and the areas surrounding it) there is someone out there for everyone. And honestly, Soldiers, from the bottom of my heart I mean that! Nothing is more tragic than looking at someone you know is wonderful and watching them continue to sell themselves short and hold themselves back from finding real happiness.

Just because you two are together doesn't
mean you both have it "together."

So how do we turn off this tiny voice in the back of our head that constantly keeps us second guessing ourselves? The truth is you can't turn it off... nine times out of ten we are our own worst critic. And that little voice often hurts us more than it helps by making us second-guess ourselves and our value. While there is no way to get rid of it... you can drown out the  little voice by constantly reminding yourself how wonderful you are and what makes you special.

Turn down the volume of the "Little Voice,"
and give yourself some peace of mind.

When you hear that nagging voice start up say something aloud in front of a mirror (this is important) that counteracts the negative thoughts the little voice puts out. By saying a sentence that is positive about who you are out loud you give it not only more value as awareness but also create more of a statement by affecting your senses while you tell yourself just how awesome you really are. You see yourself saying it, you hear yourself saying it and pretty soon you will be able to feel it too.

I am constantly telling fellow soldiers that the only way to find someone to love you is to love yourself first. I cannot stress just how important this is! People come and go in life and being the strong soldiers we are, we have to be a survivor and not let our world shatter once one chapter of our life is over. If we learn from our mistakes then they become lessons. Lessons teach us not only things we want/don't want in a partner... but also teach us so much about ourselves. They only continue to be mistakes if you keep making the same one. Outgrow your mistakes and you outgrow bad habits, which will ultimately lead to a happier you!

                                              You are unique, Soldier. You are beautiful. 
See what you have to offer and make a promise to work on what you feel you have to work on... don't kick yourself or feel sorry for yourself. You are strong, you are wonderful... the only one who fails to realize just how much so is you. So make a point to change that. Make a point to set a new standard for yourself and realize you can find someone who makes you happy once you can make yourself happy.

So make a new years resolution to clean house on your emotional or mental roadblock baggage that keeps holding you back. I promise you will find a more incredible and exciting year right around the corner.... and who knows... Prince Charming might be there too. But I guarantee you won't find him while being in an unhappy relationship with someone else. Keep your eyes peeled, Soldiers! Adventures await you!

Happy New Year! :)

-J.D.

How To End Pushover-itus

-Soldiers,

If it seemed I had fallen off the radar, I am here to let you know I haven't... I am still alive and in the game. Wading through this battle of finding love and happiness. I can at least see I am well on my way to these discoveries and am basically making it up as I go. Living day to day has not only proved to be easier but it removed a lot of unecessary stress from the puzzle too. I took my own advice and recently severed ties that had been emotionally draining with selfish individuals and the whole experience was very cathartic. So I know this new blog is long overdue but I hope you enjoy it and are staying strong in your own search for love and happiness!
----

Take back control and end your "pushover-itus"

We have all been there... a relationship where we have felt taken advantage of in one way or another. I have recently been living this experience and find that as the year is quickly coming to a close I have already started with my own list of New Years Resolutions... one which is to stop being so nice.

"And after I am done polishing your shoes I can shave
your testicals for no additional charge."

I now realize that most people seek out people pleasers for the obvious reason that they are giving. Moochers love giving people because many don't ask (or don't have the cajones to ask) for anything in return. As I have stated in numerous past articles relationships are all about reciprocity. Without it, the giver begins to feel worthless and used. Feelings that are not only frustrating, but are also damaging to self-esteem. (If this is all I am good for then I guess I will never find anything better, etc.)

Frankly, I am sick and tired of finding wonderful soldiers in relationships and situations where they go on underappreciated. Half of knowing you're a catch is believing that you are in the first place. In order to overcome the vicious cycle of being "The Sucker," you must first learn a very important word: No.

The Sucker (n.)  [suh-ker]: A person who constantly gets suckered into situations and people that are not only unhealthy for them but constantly take advantage of this person's goodwill and wonderful character. A person can be suckered by a lover, a friend, or even a family member. Regardless of the relationship one thing is certain: this person has a hard time putting their foot down and saying "no."

The Power of the Word "No":

Saying no can be hard but it is rewarding. It's not being completely selfish, but rather doing for those who are deserving of your giving because they give back. Being a little selfish means putting your needs first sometimes and this is the healthiest way to discovering the true you. Let's practice, Soldiers.

No, I will not let you live here for three months rent free.
No, I will not let you copy my midterm.
No, I will not clean up the clusterf*ck you have made with your life.

It may sound harsh but sometimes people have to hit bottom, we can't save them by constantly picking up the pieces for them... in fact, that's doing them a disservice because they will never know how to take care or do anything for themselves. It's like that old Chinese Proverb: "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime." So do both you and the suck-ee a favor... let them fend for themselves and stop being so nice.

In the end you will discover that in the time you stressed over situations you did not want to be in you could have been doing something else way more productive... like learning a new sport, writing a novel, flying a kite... or anything else that is a lot more appealing than stressing a situation that is entirely avoidable if you do your part and just say "no."

Stay Strong, Soldiers!
-J.D.