When To Feel Threatened

I recently had a reader ask me about friends of the opposite sex when mixed with relationships. I must admit, it can be a little hard to not feel insecure in situations where a potential guy/girl is perfect but also has this friend they love to spend time with. A friend, who is also attractive and makes you a little jealous. Whether it is of their closeness or strictly their appearance.

Everyone has had a situation like this, because most people find friends (even of the opposite sex) who they feel comfortable with and like hanging around because they share similar interests, etc. By having a person feel comfortable around a member of the same sex as you it really boils down to competing for their time and attention.

Many people say it isn't possible to have friends of the opposite sex. Why, just look at this scenario in When Harry Met Sally.

Harry: Men and women can't be friends
because the sex thing always gets in the way.

So the question to ask is: Is it true? Can men and women really not be friends? I think that it honestly depends on a few factors.

Going from my own experiences I can say that I have three male friends I have known almost since infancy and we are still very good friends today. We never crossed any lines of being more than friends, but I do know that two of the three at one point had feelings for me. It did make the friendship rather complicated and so we put distance between each other  until the feelings were no longer there and we could go back to being only friends.

If a friendship line is crossed by having sex with the friend, the relationship can rarely go back to the way things were pre-coitus. In fact, it usually ruins the friendship in most cases because one friend usually still harbors some intimate feelings from the encounter. And honestly these feelings are justifiable. After all, this is someone you were close to and could be yourself around so it is normal to have feelings develop after being that intimate with each other.

But it is possible to have friends of the opposite sex if this line isn't crossed. When partners are friends with their exes that usually can present a bit of a problem for a new relationship because whether or not each party is aware of it, it still drags a person's old baggage into their new relationship, especially if these exes still remain on good terms and hang out regularly. Because the door of the past relationship isn't completely closed, it creates complications for the new relationship and where these friendship's boundaries actually lie. Do they still kiss? Or hug a little too long? It raises a lot of questions for some people in these types of situations.

The best thing you can do is not go on attack mode if you are feeling uncomfortable. This only makes you seem jealous and needy. Instead, it is best to talk to your boyfriend or girlfriend and ask if they are into this friend in any way, or if they ever have been. You could also take the other side of the spectrum and ask if the friend has ever had feelings for your partner. Either way, you get an answer. It may not be the answer you like, but it is an answer. However, it ultimately boils down to trust. If this is someone you enjoy being with who doesn't present any other problems for you then try living with it. Try befriending the friend so you all can go hang out together (which most people hate because of third wheel situations). But if you can make it a group hang out it will allow you to relax a bit and everyone can then feel included.

If your partner is overtly flirty that it makes you uncomfortable and question their devotion to you because they throw themselves at others, then this probably isn't the healthiest relationship for you. No one likes having someone who makes them feel worse about themselves. Relationships are suppose to make us feel secure not unconfident.

-Jane Doe over and out.

When Its Not Them, It's You

I received an email from a fellow "John" Doe reader asking for advice about his last relationships. He has informed me he has been out with four different women in the past year and that once they start to get comfortable with him he begins to get incessantly bored. I copied pieces of his email to share with you all.
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Dear Jane Doe,

I can't help but find all the women I have gone out with boring. It's not because they aren't interesting, but they rarely keep me wanting something more and as soon as they start saying "we" I start to become an asshole. Not because I want to, or mean to, but because I feel they are jumping into a relationship too fast and that they aren't right for me, or worthy my time. I am good looking and have money. Where am I going to find a girl that keeps me wanting more and not just wanting more of someone else?"

Jake Doe

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Well, Jake, I'd like to commend you on your brutal honesty but first I must pose a question to you. How are you so sure you are worth their time? No one likes to be treated as if they are below you and from what I can gather this is exactly what you are doing to these women. If you belittle someone, whether they are worth your time or not, it is going to make you unbearable. Snobbery is never attractive, confidence is and the two are very different from each other. In fact, snobbery will drive girls to want someone else and could drive away a girl that would catch your undivided attention.

What makes someone irresistible is when they make you feel like you are the only person in the world that matters to them. You look them in the eyes as if completely captivated by their stare, you blush from their touch, or listen to what they say (yes, really listen). If you act pompous and like you are only looking for the nearest upgrade that seems to suit you, then any girl with common sense won't want to put up with you. After all, if a person is so in love with himself/herself how will they even be able to make room to really love someone else?

It could be that maybe you are dating women below your level of intelligence, which is why they don't hold your interest. But only you can really answer that. It is also important to have realistic expectations in what you hope to find in a partner, I suggest making a list of qualities that you must have in a partner, qualities you would like to have, and another list of qualities you will not put up with. When you can visually see what you want it helps you discover if that is what you have been going after in a partner and more often than not, it isn't.

Let's get real here.

Writing our goals down helps us stay on the right track and keeps us motivated. With the fast paced lives we live it is easy to get caught up with other things and to lose focus. I also recommend asking if you are a good catch. It takes a lot of soul searching to really look and be honest with yourself and discover your strengths and weaknesses. Only then can you work on making yourself even more desirable.

Ladies, realize this: If a man is more interested in pumping iron instead of pumping you that is the epitome of a guy who is in love with himself.

Most importantly, you must realize that you must put out the energy you hope to attract. If you appear to be arrogant and conceited, or negative and self conscious that is the only partner you will attract. I usually tell my readers that you must first have self love (but not be self-centered) in order to find real love. The only way you can do that is if you stop dating and spend some time alone. This allows you to discover who you really are and what you need. The best advice I can give is put the shoe on the other foot and ask yourself, "Would I want to date me?" And remember to make sure you go below the surface of looks and money with your answer to this. Even the rich and best looking can end up alone. So remember, looks do fade with time, but a person's character lasts forever.

-Jane Doe over and out.