When To Feel Threatened

I recently had a reader ask me about friends of the opposite sex when mixed with relationships. I must admit, it can be a little hard to not feel insecure in situations where a potential guy/girl is perfect but also has this friend they love to spend time with. A friend, who is also attractive and makes you a little jealous. Whether it is of their closeness or strictly their appearance.

Everyone has had a situation like this, because most people find friends (even of the opposite sex) who they feel comfortable with and like hanging around because they share similar interests, etc. By having a person feel comfortable around a member of the same sex as you it really boils down to competing for their time and attention.

Many people say it isn't possible to have friends of the opposite sex. Why, just look at this scenario in When Harry Met Sally.

Harry: Men and women can't be friends
because the sex thing always gets in the way.

So the question to ask is: Is it true? Can men and women really not be friends? I think that it honestly depends on a few factors.

Going from my own experiences I can say that I have three male friends I have known almost since infancy and we are still very good friends today. We never crossed any lines of being more than friends, but I do know that two of the three at one point had feelings for me. It did make the friendship rather complicated and so we put distance between each other  until the feelings were no longer there and we could go back to being only friends.

If a friendship line is crossed by having sex with the friend, the relationship can rarely go back to the way things were pre-coitus. In fact, it usually ruins the friendship in most cases because one friend usually still harbors some intimate feelings from the encounter. And honestly these feelings are justifiable. After all, this is someone you were close to and could be yourself around so it is normal to have feelings develop after being that intimate with each other.

But it is possible to have friends of the opposite sex if this line isn't crossed. When partners are friends with their exes that usually can present a bit of a problem for a new relationship because whether or not each party is aware of it, it still drags a person's old baggage into their new relationship, especially if these exes still remain on good terms and hang out regularly. Because the door of the past relationship isn't completely closed, it creates complications for the new relationship and where these friendship's boundaries actually lie. Do they still kiss? Or hug a little too long? It raises a lot of questions for some people in these types of situations.

The best thing you can do is not go on attack mode if you are feeling uncomfortable. This only makes you seem jealous and needy. Instead, it is best to talk to your boyfriend or girlfriend and ask if they are into this friend in any way, or if they ever have been. You could also take the other side of the spectrum and ask if the friend has ever had feelings for your partner. Either way, you get an answer. It may not be the answer you like, but it is an answer. However, it ultimately boils down to trust. If this is someone you enjoy being with who doesn't present any other problems for you then try living with it. Try befriending the friend so you all can go hang out together (which most people hate because of third wheel situations). But if you can make it a group hang out it will allow you to relax a bit and everyone can then feel included.

If your partner is overtly flirty that it makes you uncomfortable and question their devotion to you because they throw themselves at others, then this probably isn't the healthiest relationship for you. No one likes having someone who makes them feel worse about themselves. Relationships are suppose to make us feel secure not unconfident.

-Jane Doe over and out.