Too Close For Comfort?

Soldiers: I received this e-mail the other day and decided it was the perfect new subject for my next blog. Read on for enlightenment!

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Dear Jane Doe,
I've started developing feelings for my best friend's brother. I know this could be dangerous grounds for the friendship because I don't know how she will take it but all I know is we both like each other. I want her to know but we're both so scared she will be upset by the news we haven't worked up the nerve to tell her yet. What do I do? Help!

-Soldier in Distress
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Well, Soldier you are officially in a bit of a pickle. All I can say is what you already know to be true: You have to tell your friend. The thing you must remind yourself is that you cannot control her actions or emotions so regardless the way she deals with the news is entirely up to her. There are two obvious ways she can take the news. I turned to my fellow Doe girls for help on this to see if any of their past experiences could help you out in your current predicament. Two of them had very different outcomes and experiences in this same exact situation.

Fellow soldier Amanda Doe* found herself developing feelings for her BFF's older brother. They began to spend so much time as a three-some I guess you can say a closeness soon developed from their shared time together. When her BFF discovered the two had feelings for each other she encouraged their relationship hoping that one day Amanda Doe would be more than just a BFF, maybe also a sister-in-law. This relationship lasted for quite some time, years actually, and the three-some continued to get along very well until differences in career and aspirations drove the relationship with the brother apart. Amanda Doe found her perfect guy now turning his sister against her and to this day, both BFFs have yet to make up.

Nicole Doe* had a very different experience in her relationship with her BFF's brother. They decided to keep the relationship a secret so as not to offend (his sister... her BFF). Yet one day the two got caught in a passionate make out session which caught her BFF off guard and placed the two in a blown up fight. They didn't talk for months and when they finally did mend the relationship, (she and her friend's brother continued to date during their friendship hiatus), their friendship was never as strong as it was before, because the trust had been broken.

My advice is to learn from both these experiences, soldier. Make sure you and the BFF's brother have an honest to goodness real connection to each other deeper than the physical level by asking yourself the following questions: Do you find yourself happier when you are together? Do you both open up and share things with each other that you don't open up to others about? If you answered yes to these questions then it is time to talk to your BFF and let her know how you feel. Regardless of how she reacts you have to know she has the right to react whichever way she wants to the relationship whether it is positive (hopeful that this could bring you closer), or even upset (possibly feel threatened she might not see you as much or that you will pick seeing her brother over seeing her), which you must convince her will not be the case!

As long as when you have the "big reveal" you let her know that you will always love her and that this does not change the dynamic of your relationship with her, and you hold true to your word on this, then you shouldn't have anything to worry about. Give her space to digest the information and reflect on it. Chances are once she has a chance to rationalize the relationship she will not feel threatened and will feel that two people she loves with her whole heart deserve happiness, so why not together? Stay strong, soldier, and remember: you cannot control the actions (or in this case reactions) of others, all you can control is your own emotions. Break it to her gently and know this: if she is your best friend you should be able to tell her anything, even this. Either eventually she will find out and things will never be the same because the trust is broken, or you tell her and accept that she may be mad for a while, but most likely will get over it because you guys are best friends; because if she really is your best friend, she will love you no matter what and will want you to be happy.

-J.D. over and out!