Respect & Relationships

I recently received two e-mails with questions about respect and relationships. Relationships take time to build. Its a big deal and definitely time consuming unless you are the jump straight into bed Casanova type.... (there are a lot of them out there). With that being said, respect is the only way to really understand the people in your life. I decided to write this article as a 2 for 1 soldiers, so let's dive right in.

First and foremost: It is important to respect our friends. And I felt now was a good time to cover some ground on the friends and flirting rules. If you don't respect your friends, you will find yourself alone and without any soldiers who will ever want to back you up. In the first e-mail I received, a fellow Doe girl dished that she has a flirty friend who she thinks purposefully flirts with the men she is digging and she doesn't know how to handle talking to her friend about said situation because she is the sensitive type.

Its a tricky situation and girls are always unconsciously competitive to some degree. "Who's hair is the longest? Who's the skinniest... blah, blah, blah..." Let's not forget a lot of women will people watch and hate on each other in social situations: "Oh my god, what is she wearing?" I say, if your friend is flirting with guys you are into and you let her know you were digging them straight from the beginning it is important to be upfront with your fellow Doe girl so she can be aware she is upsetting you. Technically, she hasn't spared your feelings so why should you spare hers? Now, I'm not saying to come off attacking or cruel in the delivery of how you feel, but it is important to tell her it like it is. Ask her: Are you into John Doe too? Because it seemed to me you've been giving him a lot of attention. Feel out her response. Does she come off defensive? If she does she may be aware she is doing it.

If she is flirting with someone you are into it hurts and frankly, I know I wouldn't want to have a night out on the town with someone who is suppose to be my "friend" stepping on my toes as competition just for attention's sake. As friendships go there is a silent code of honor we are suppose to follow. This code says we are to be supportive as friends, and never be competition when it comes to potential lovers. This is what you call: RESPECT soldiers!

After talking to her about it if she does this more than once and reacts in a hostile manner, (which in all likelihood she will),  I think you should probably distance yourself and give her time to reflect on your words. Chances are, she flirts with your interests because attention on her makes her feel valued and special, which basically tells your she is insecure and needs validation. I call this the case of hunger: Where said person wants to prove she can get what she wants even if someone else wants it too. If after your talk she keeps this up, I would honestly question the friendship because it sounds more like frienemies than anything else. You don't want it where down the road she could want to get "validated" with your husband in order to prove she's still got it. And hungry women are the ones who will take that attention any way they can get it. Tread cautiously, soldier.
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Now, in another e-mail I received a fellow Doe-girl wrote in about always connecting to the wrong guys and asking for how she can she break her vicious cycle of failed relationships. This one isn't easy and definitely not so black and white but it actually deals partly with the article listed above in some fashion. A lot of people out there are hungry... and I am not talking about food. If you settle and constantly go for Mr. Wrong chances are you will never find Mr. Right.

Some women are starving for love.

We all have this little voice inside us that basically tells us how to judge someone's character. If you ignore that little voice and go down the same road over and over again then you are your own worst enemy and shooting yourself in the heart. Who likes going through pain, honestly? No one, soldiers. Change is within reach if you take the first step. Stop going for the guy you know will hurt you... and there are a lot of ways to compare a potential to your former flames. Was it purely physical? Did they place you on the back-burner? Were they constantly flakey? These are just a few questions to ask yourself that illustrates: He's just not that into you.

I don't care how great the sex is: bad boy or not, pick your self-respect up off the floor and run for the hills with it. Just because he is great in the sack doesn't mean he will ever respect you. In fact, chances are... the more you come back... the more he knows he can get away with being a dick and that you will accept it. Go for someone different from what you have typically gone for.

Change is good. But just know, you can blame all the jerks out there, or grow up and put the blame where it actually belongs: on you. Stop being attracted to the jerks and giving them the time of day... take the wheel and drive in the direction of your own happiness. You'll only get there if you take the first step and say sayornara to the ways and excuses of the jerk!

J.D. over and out.

Another Year Older, Another Year Wiser?

It seems like it has been ages since I reconnected with my fellow soldiers. I have been trying to keep myself busy to avoid certain ideas and concepts of love and relationships and how difficult it can truly be to connect to another human being in a society that strives to keep up with the latest upgrade on top of already being the MTV generation. Hard facts to swallow.

It's not that I have become entirely pessimistic, I call it realistic. There are quite a few good guys out there, but let's be real, soldiers, they are few and far between. I recently reflected on the year behind me and it's funny because I always manage to get myself into situations and when I look back I say: never again. I am not one of those repeat offenders. This is good news. A lot of soldiers keep going back to the same person thinking the circumstances can change and that it will lead to a brighter future between you and said partner but nine times out of ten the same underlying problems resurface themselves.

I like to think there are no mistakes in life, just lessons... and this is only true if you don't continue to go back and be a repeat offender. Live and learn. I try to keep this in the back of my mind. Love and relationships have their highs and lows. To be entirely honest I had quite a few of them within the last twelve months...

3 Relationships with 3 very different men.

Let's start with the first guy. A commitment-phob. Fool me once... I luckily didn't waste too much time on this one after my dad pointed out to me he was more transparent than a plastic bag in his insecurities. I don't know why, but he had a lot of volatile relationships and I wanted to help him. Stupid. You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. People who have baggage at a young age are trouble... so if there is already a lot from the get-go, pack your own bags and head for the hills!

And now onto Relationship #2: The Guy With No Backbone. This relationship was nothing short of a mess. Let's start off with the fact that this guy puts the moves on me when he was a friend's brother. I had been entirely unaware I had feelings for him until he made the move. This could convince you that since he made the first move, he has a backbone... right, soldiers? WRONG... what this means is he has a penis and he used it to give the illusion of a backbone. But as we know: a backbone and a penis are two entirely different things. I should have known better, but I didn't. He seemed like a good guy and we were friends and spent a lot of time together, but he was terrified of 'fessing up to his sister... and even though when the truth finally surfaced (because I told due to the fact that I have a backbone) both relationships went down the drain. And what's funny is I honestly don't regret it. As it was, I had a very creepy twilight zone experience from it, in which I woke up intoxicated and disoriented to his sister watching us sleeping. I thought for sure I would get knifed in the back *cue Psycho theme* but I luckily made it out alive. It was an ironic situation. I was scolded like a five year old for developing an emotional connection to someone I spent A LOT of time with... and for falling asleep next to him fully clothed. What was really ironic was there were plenty of opportunities that could have been walked in on that were a lot worse. As much as I hated not telling her for fear she would react the way I expected her to, I have to admit to myself and to you that there was something truly exciting about having one of those romances that are forbidden. It doesn't mean the sex itself is orgasmic, but the idea that anything could happen makes it feeling like you are living on the edge. And though most of these relationships go absolutely nowhere... it is exciting and something every soldier should try once. Just remember, don't be a repeat offender.

Onto Guy #3: The Friend Turned More... This guy was the friend I always ran to. The one who convinced me the guys I date are dicks. That I deserve better. That he was better. And after the man with "no backbone" I definitely needed a man's man who would definitely grab a bull by the horns. But as it turned out... friends turned lovers don't always work out because there is this illusion of what it could be like and when it isn't that it fizzles out like a wet flame.

Like I said before, soldiers, I am not one to have regrets... I learned from every single relationship I have had thus far. I realize a girl has to kiss a lot of frogs and I'm ready for something better. I'm not jaded about what to expect. But I have higher expectations for myself and what I deserve... as should you. I said it before, and I will say it again: Know your worth. Learn from your every experience and grow from them. They end up contributing to the layers that make you, you. These three situations may sound bad but I'm happy to be over and done with them because I learned so much more about myself, my "friendships" and basically that life in general is short.

I was always the girl that wouldn't ask a guy out. And now I walk up to the one I want and I'm bold. Nothing ventured, nothing gained... and I'm no longer on the path of settling. Onward and upward, soldiers.... seek out what you want and make it happen and kiss those past regrets goodbye.

J.D. Over and Out.

Out-Growing the Game Playing of Dating

I took a night on the town last week with a couple of my Doe girls and had this cute guy come over to where our table was after I had casually extended an invite his way. So he came over and we start chatting at a local bar on the Westside. While a band is setting up, and we exchange some casual conversation. I can tell he is interested because when my girl's lean in to mention something to me (and vice versa), he is eager to watch us and eavesdrop. 

The band starts to play and he starts to play aloof. Then he starts conversation again and because I ask where he is from, trying to *gasp,* actually get to know him as a person should he tells me I am intense.


Hmmm.... intense. I decided to look up this word because automatically I actually found myself a little insulted.


INTENSE: (adj.)

(of a condition, quality, feeling, etc.) Existing in a high degree; extreme: "this job demands intense concentration". (of an action) Highly concentrated: "intense competition".

Synonyms: strong - keen - intensive - powerful


It's an amazing double edged sword... women in this town can't win. Either you come on too strong or you are too shy.

After a little more of playful bar interrogation,I discovered this guy was twenty-one. Suddenly a lot began to make sense. The hot/cold play was the games this guy was used to playing. Games I had gotten sucked into when I was younger. Frankly, at this point in my life I am a little too old for those games.


I never let a single experience upset me to the point where I feel like giving up. Life is all about trial and error, so all we can do is pull from our experiences (learn whatever lessons we can from them) and move forward and try to stay away from repeating a type of pattern.


As I was leaving, I realized he was looking for a hook up and nothing more, which was why I overwhelmed him by asking about where he was from and what he does for a living. Actually getting to know someone leads to emotional attachment.... I should have known better.


I am intense. I am a strong soldier, who knows what I want and goes for it. Some people find that intimidating, but then again... I don't want someone wishy-washy, unmotivated, or... as my wonderful Doe Girl Rachel* said: "It's better to be intense and interesting rather than ridiculously boring."


Well said, Rachel, well said.

Us soldiers got to put ourselves out there. Nothing venture, nothing gained. So as much as you may hate the dating games... you won't find your equal without putting yourself out there. And with some weeding out the inadequate ones you'll find someone who is worth talking to with some "intense" conversation... A guy that actually wants to get to know you as a person.

Jane Doe is still on this mission. Stay strong, soldiers!


Jane Doe Over and Out.