Losing You In Someone Else

Soldiers,

I have lately noticed an unbelievably scary trend within the dating scene in LA... something that I found not only thought provoking but frightening at the very same time. It is a disease I would like to name "coupledom": this is a virus where a person gets so attached to their significant other that they cannot sever ties with that person in their life. Most of the time, these people (I have found both men and women do this), will stay in an unhappy relationship and take a lot of self-inflicted abuse with unhappiness rather than face the possibility of being single.

Why the self-inflicted abuse? Why settle for mediocre when you can find someone who supplies you with real relationship nirvana? The answer is scary: a fear of being alone. So many soldiers I have talked to about this have an unmistakable fear of being unlovable. Even in the narcissistic world of Hollywoodland (and the areas surrounding it) there is someone out there for everyone. And honestly, Soldiers, from the bottom of my heart I mean that! Nothing is more tragic than looking at someone you know is wonderful and watching them continue to sell themselves short and hold themselves back from finding real happiness.

Just because you two are together doesn't
mean you both have it "together."

So how do we turn off this tiny voice in the back of our head that constantly keeps us second guessing ourselves? The truth is you can't turn it off... nine times out of ten we are our own worst critic. And that little voice often hurts us more than it helps by making us second-guess ourselves and our value. While there is no way to get rid of it... you can drown out the  little voice by constantly reminding yourself how wonderful you are and what makes you special.

Turn down the volume of the "Little Voice,"
and give yourself some peace of mind.

When you hear that nagging voice start up say something aloud in front of a mirror (this is important) that counteracts the negative thoughts the little voice puts out. By saying a sentence that is positive about who you are out loud you give it not only more value as awareness but also create more of a statement by affecting your senses while you tell yourself just how awesome you really are. You see yourself saying it, you hear yourself saying it and pretty soon you will be able to feel it too.

I am constantly telling fellow soldiers that the only way to find someone to love you is to love yourself first. I cannot stress just how important this is! People come and go in life and being the strong soldiers we are, we have to be a survivor and not let our world shatter once one chapter of our life is over. If we learn from our mistakes then they become lessons. Lessons teach us not only things we want/don't want in a partner... but also teach us so much about ourselves. They only continue to be mistakes if you keep making the same one. Outgrow your mistakes and you outgrow bad habits, which will ultimately lead to a happier you!

                                              You are unique, Soldier. You are beautiful. 
See what you have to offer and make a promise to work on what you feel you have to work on... don't kick yourself or feel sorry for yourself. You are strong, you are wonderful... the only one who fails to realize just how much so is you. So make a point to change that. Make a point to set a new standard for yourself and realize you can find someone who makes you happy once you can make yourself happy.

So make a new years resolution to clean house on your emotional or mental roadblock baggage that keeps holding you back. I promise you will find a more incredible and exciting year right around the corner.... and who knows... Prince Charming might be there too. But I guarantee you won't find him while being in an unhappy relationship with someone else. Keep your eyes peeled, Soldiers! Adventures await you!

Happy New Year! :)

-J.D.

How To End Pushover-itus

-Soldiers,

If it seemed I had fallen off the radar, I am here to let you know I haven't... I am still alive and in the game. Wading through this battle of finding love and happiness. I can at least see I am well on my way to these discoveries and am basically making it up as I go. Living day to day has not only proved to be easier but it removed a lot of unecessary stress from the puzzle too. I took my own advice and recently severed ties that had been emotionally draining with selfish individuals and the whole experience was very cathartic. So I know this new blog is long overdue but I hope you enjoy it and are staying strong in your own search for love and happiness!
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Take back control and end your "pushover-itus"

We have all been there... a relationship where we have felt taken advantage of in one way or another. I have recently been living this experience and find that as the year is quickly coming to a close I have already started with my own list of New Years Resolutions... one which is to stop being so nice.

"And after I am done polishing your shoes I can shave
your testicals for no additional charge."

I now realize that most people seek out people pleasers for the obvious reason that they are giving. Moochers love giving people because many don't ask (or don't have the cajones to ask) for anything in return. As I have stated in numerous past articles relationships are all about reciprocity. Without it, the giver begins to feel worthless and used. Feelings that are not only frustrating, but are also damaging to self-esteem. (If this is all I am good for then I guess I will never find anything better, etc.)

Frankly, I am sick and tired of finding wonderful soldiers in relationships and situations where they go on underappreciated. Half of knowing you're a catch is believing that you are in the first place. In order to overcome the vicious cycle of being "The Sucker," you must first learn a very important word: No.

The Sucker (n.)  [suh-ker]: A person who constantly gets suckered into situations and people that are not only unhealthy for them but constantly take advantage of this person's goodwill and wonderful character. A person can be suckered by a lover, a friend, or even a family member. Regardless of the relationship one thing is certain: this person has a hard time putting their foot down and saying "no."

The Power of the Word "No":

Saying no can be hard but it is rewarding. It's not being completely selfish, but rather doing for those who are deserving of your giving because they give back. Being a little selfish means putting your needs first sometimes and this is the healthiest way to discovering the true you. Let's practice, Soldiers.

No, I will not let you live here for three months rent free.
No, I will not let you copy my midterm.
No, I will not clean up the clusterf*ck you have made with your life.

It may sound harsh but sometimes people have to hit bottom, we can't save them by constantly picking up the pieces for them... in fact, that's doing them a disservice because they will never know how to take care or do anything for themselves. It's like that old Chinese Proverb: "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime." So do both you and the suck-ee a favor... let them fend for themselves and stop being so nice.

In the end you will discover that in the time you stressed over situations you did not want to be in you could have been doing something else way more productive... like learning a new sport, writing a novel, flying a kite... or anything else that is a lot more appealing than stressing a situation that is entirely avoidable if you do your part and just say "no."

Stay Strong, Soldiers!
-J.D.

Severing Ties For A Happier You

Happy Saturday, Soldiers! I received an e-mail from another one of our readers who wrote that she is in a relationship she knows is unhealthy but finds herself having the hardest time letting go of it... even though she is well aware she should. I realized this would be the perfect topic for a new article because a lot of men and women put themselves in situations and relationships could be deemed as 'high drama' and unhealthy.

We cannot help who we like: blame science. Chemistry is a very strong driving factor for attraction and I am also told pheromones have a strong influence too. But sometimes things get complicated... life happens and the universe throws us in different directions to keep us on our toes. In order to survive the chaos that keeps life ever-changing we have to be willing to adapt to situations and the fluctuations relationships go through. The stronger soldiers do this, usually without even realizing it, and put up with a lot of debris that can crowd life's path and clutter our minds and emotions. But how much is too much? Is it "giving up" if you walk away and start a new assignment? A new journey separate from the path you were on? Was this the path meant for you? And how do you know when the weight of the situation/relationship is worth the struggle?

Ask yourself if the good times outweigh
the bad times. This is a typical indicator.

Life is full of struggles. The Chinese proverb, (or curse as some see it), "may you live in interesting times" basically wishes you hardships and struggles because they make life interesting, teach us valuable lessons, and help us recognize that some things are worth fighting for. If life were easy, things would be boring. And, as my fellow Doe girl Danielle put it, "The best things in life are worth fighting for, believing in and never letting go of." This applies when a relationship gives you more happiness than grief. Even if other people fail to recognize it but in your heart of hearts you know it. However, if the scales are tipped in the other direction then you are setting yourself up for nothing but misery.

If the relationship seems unhealthy, then it should be let go of. The longer you stay in it, the harder it will be to break free... not to mention, it will hurt more the longer you draw it out. Now I am not saying you will find a relationship without challenges. There will always be challenges, soldiers. But if you can find someone who puts as much energy, effort and love in as you do then you will find yourself a lot happier. Find someone who values you and what you have to offer; because the partner that takes you for granted is the partner who doesn't recognize a good thing until they lose it.

Sometimes when you love something you have to let it go, if it comes back then it was meant to be. Yet for your own health and happiness this may mean letting go of said relationship and taking care of yourself for a while, soldier. And I mean really letting go... severing ties (at least in the beginning) is the only way you will be able to move on and do right by you. You may come to realize this relationship was wrong for you from the get-go. And if it was the right relationship all along and is meant to be it will come back to you... but only let them back in your life if your partner in crime proves to you they have changed and are worthy of your love and your time.... Because you are unique and valuable and will find someone who recognizes these qualities in you, even if they fail to do so.

A bad relationship is like an addiction. We love the person and crave their time and affection yet recognize that they are toxic. Detoxing may be hard but is so worth it! It gives you a chance to breathe fresh air, clear your head and see things differently. So, take that deep breath and the leap of faith... the universe works in mysterious ways!

Love,
Jane Doe

Live and Let Live

I have recently been thinking a lot about relationships. All relationships, not just the romantic ones. And had this epiphany that really struck me... sometimes we don't know where a relationship is headed and how true it is until we rock the boat with that relationship. I think there is this moment of clarity we get when we see just how a partner in crime, a lover, or a friend shows who they are when you really test the waters in that relationship. It is this moment of clarity where we get to see: a person's "true colors,  how this person reacts under conflict and/or pressure, as well as, how they truly feel about you and the conflict. Its odd, but confrontation allows us to see things and people in a whole new light.

It is kind of ironic, but people crave closeness and companionship. The world seems a lot sadder and darker without people around us who can lighten life and be there for us through other struggles in daily life. The funny thing, soldiers, is sometimes it is that closeness that causes us to believe we have established a real connection with another individual; and we disillusion ourselves into believing we have found something permanent, or what I like to call a constant.

"constant": something/someone you can always rely on.

The reasons for this special "bond" could be similar interests or goals, similarities in personality, or just comfort over a period of time etc. But the truth is, we never really can recognize how true the bond of that relationship is until the bond is tested in some capacity.

I have come to the conclusion that people portray themselves the way they want to appear. Look at most people who are on online dating sites. They attempt to create an illusion of the person they would like to be but when you meet them face to face you can sometimes find they are nothing like their description. The same is true when people go out in social settings. They present themselves as confident, fun, and easygoing as possible to attract people with these traits.

Yet we never really truly know a person until we see the side of them they try to hide or disguise. As that old but true proverb goes: "when the going gets tough, the tough get going." This means that when the road can get bumpy, a strong person will work harder to meet said challenge or difficulty. The surface relations will run for the hills and from the challenge. In a way, it is a blessing in disguise because it helps us delineate a true bond from a surface bond and makes us look internally to recognize and be grateful for the true constants we do have in our lives.

Don't be fooled by what people want you to see Soldiers, dig deep and find their true self and yours. You will save yourself a lot of disappointment by searching below the surface for what people try to hide and knowing just what you are getting yourself into. Don't expect perfection, but don't accept just anyone as a constant either.

Remember, "To thine own self be true."

-Jane Doe over and out.

Too Close For Comfort?

Soldiers: I received this e-mail the other day and decided it was the perfect new subject for my next blog. Read on for enlightenment!

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Dear Jane Doe,
I've started developing feelings for my best friend's brother. I know this could be dangerous grounds for the friendship because I don't know how she will take it but all I know is we both like each other. I want her to know but we're both so scared she will be upset by the news we haven't worked up the nerve to tell her yet. What do I do? Help!

-Soldier in Distress
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Well, Soldier you are officially in a bit of a pickle. All I can say is what you already know to be true: You have to tell your friend. The thing you must remind yourself is that you cannot control her actions or emotions so regardless the way she deals with the news is entirely up to her. There are two obvious ways she can take the news. I turned to my fellow Doe girls for help on this to see if any of their past experiences could help you out in your current predicament. Two of them had very different outcomes and experiences in this same exact situation.

Fellow soldier Amanda Doe* found herself developing feelings for her BFF's older brother. They began to spend so much time as a three-some I guess you can say a closeness soon developed from their shared time together. When her BFF discovered the two had feelings for each other she encouraged their relationship hoping that one day Amanda Doe would be more than just a BFF, maybe also a sister-in-law. This relationship lasted for quite some time, years actually, and the three-some continued to get along very well until differences in career and aspirations drove the relationship with the brother apart. Amanda Doe found her perfect guy now turning his sister against her and to this day, both BFFs have yet to make up.

Nicole Doe* had a very different experience in her relationship with her BFF's brother. They decided to keep the relationship a secret so as not to offend (his sister... her BFF). Yet one day the two got caught in a passionate make out session which caught her BFF off guard and placed the two in a blown up fight. They didn't talk for months and when they finally did mend the relationship, (she and her friend's brother continued to date during their friendship hiatus), their friendship was never as strong as it was before, because the trust had been broken.

My advice is to learn from both these experiences, soldier. Make sure you and the BFF's brother have an honest to goodness real connection to each other deeper than the physical level by asking yourself the following questions: Do you find yourself happier when you are together? Do you both open up and share things with each other that you don't open up to others about? If you answered yes to these questions then it is time to talk to your BFF and let her know how you feel. Regardless of how she reacts you have to know she has the right to react whichever way she wants to the relationship whether it is positive (hopeful that this could bring you closer), or even upset (possibly feel threatened she might not see you as much or that you will pick seeing her brother over seeing her), which you must convince her will not be the case!

As long as when you have the "big reveal" you let her know that you will always love her and that this does not change the dynamic of your relationship with her, and you hold true to your word on this, then you shouldn't have anything to worry about. Give her space to digest the information and reflect on it. Chances are once she has a chance to rationalize the relationship she will not feel threatened and will feel that two people she loves with her whole heart deserve happiness, so why not together? Stay strong, soldier, and remember: you cannot control the actions (or in this case reactions) of others, all you can control is your own emotions. Break it to her gently and know this: if she is your best friend you should be able to tell her anything, even this. Either eventually she will find out and things will never be the same because the trust is broken, or you tell her and accept that she may be mad for a while, but most likely will get over it because you guys are best friends; because if she really is your best friend, she will love you no matter what and will want you to be happy.

-J.D. over and out!

Getting What You Want

Soldiers, we all have been there... you want something but are afraid to go after it or ask for it for fear of rejection or being judged. In the case of a lot of women: sometimes there is an expectation for people to read your mind and just know. Sadly, the world is not clairvoyant so chances are people won't really be able to read your mind and in the end you will end up feeling not only unsatisfied with them but also ultimately with yourself as well.

Communication is key. We were equipped with mouths for the purpose of expressing what it is we want. Not just eating and stifling out feelings by turning to food for comfort, which again, a lot of women do! A lot of the e-mails I have been receiving have been asking how people can let someone else know what they want. Regardless of what the subject is, the only way to let the person know is to tell them.

One Soldier wrote in on feeling neglected in the bedroom department. The only way your partner will recognize this is if you tell them. Now, this doesn't mean saying: "You have been neglecting my needs." The way you phrase things is key in making sure your partner doesn't feel they are being attacked. Phrasing it like this: "I really love it when you....[insert what you want them to do here]." This is not attacking or making them feel bad but instead encouraging them to make you happy and in turn make them feel good about themselves because they make you feel good.

But they won't know it unless you hint it. It isn't manipulating, it's getting what you want and what you deserve. If you feel your partner isn't communicating well enough with you speak up and get through to them, chances are they are not even aware that they are slacking or not delivering.

Don't just "want," get it too!

To make a long article short, when in a healthy relationship we strive to make our partner happy. It makes us feel good about ourselves in the end too. And the only way you will get what you want is to express it, so be open with yourself and your partner and you will find yourself and your relationship more satisfied!

-J.D.

Romancing verus Physicality

Relationships are insanely tricky. There is a delicate balance in today's world of dating and though many things have changed, a lot still remains the same. Since the sexes are more accepted in today's world as "equals" there is a lot of work that is split down the middle in the dating world too. It isn't just left up to the guy to make the moves anymore. Women can also make the first move too!

Find your balance.

However, in order to make anything work there has to be a shared give and take between a guy and girl. This means you have to meet half way and cannot be in something that seems one-sided. This includes but is not limited to: being the person initiating the dates, being the one who always has to call or text message, etc. Chances are if you are constantly having to make more of the effort and letting your partner get away with it, things aren't going to change. I recommend pulling back a little and observing. It helps because it gives you a chance to evaluate your partner and see if they are worthy of your time; and yes, Solider, your time is valuable. If they don't put in as much of an effort once you have "backed off" then this gives you the opportunity to reevaluate the relationship and see if you want it to continue.

Take a closer look as an outside observer would see it.

What makes it romancing is having someone show they are into you by making the effort and putting in the time. That's what gives a relationship the honeymoon phase, and true with time there isn't as much "romancing"... but if you don't get it in the beginning when will you? More often then not, we soldiers can confuse being "romanced" with the excitement of being in something new especially with sex. (Yes, sex always complicates things, which is why Patti Stanger of Millionaire Matchmaker warns it is best to wait a while and get to know your partner and their personality before introducing sex into the equation). Sex adds an intimacy, which can get confused as being romanced when it is in fact only a part of it. Romanced is also being wooed: taken out, brought flowers, holding hands, cuddling, and all the good stuff that goes with the newness of getting to know someone you are really into.

So make sure that you can recognize the difference and know that a good, successful relationship has both the romancing and the physicality. And realize, Soldiers, that you deserve a relationship that has both of these. Allow yourself to be wooed and show your partner what they mean to you... by returning the favor. Find your balance of give and take and discover the bliss of pure relationship stability, it really does exist!

-J.D.