The Battle of Insecurities.

Insecurities. Everyone has them, and those who say they don't are lying. For even the most conceited person can be knocked down a peg and forced to reevaluate themselves from a single snide remark. And though we all have them, we often do not know how to deal with our own inner monster, which in turn can devastate not only us, but the potential of having a successful relationship.

A Jessica Doe* recently wrote me an e-mail informing me that her boyfriend hovers around her constantly giving her no space of her own or for her own friendships. He admitted to this, yet rather than trying not to be overbearing he continued to smother her. This resulted in Jessica feeling trapped and so she broke up with him. It is a vicious cycle that can often be repeated if you do not know how to deal with your own insecurities, and this can damage not only your outlook on yourself (confidence is always attractive), but how your partner looks at you and feels about your relationship.

The trick is to simply do some inner soul searching. Discover how you feel about yourself and more importantly why you feel that way. As I have said in previous articles, it is important for you to recognize your own inner worth first, otherwise no one else will. Most of us are actually like mirrors and though we think we remain transparent, we are often easy to read with body language, tone of voice, etc. So even though you think you may be hiding it well, just know that this may not be the case.

Rather than letting this monster of insecurity consume you, confront it. By doing so, you can figure out ways to deal with it, without becoming overbearing. The best way to go about this is communicating with your partner. If they are overtly friendly and you read into this as "flirting" then let them know how it makes you feel. Usually this results in compromise if handled correctly (and not coming off as if you are verbally attacking them, no one wins in those situations). Yet with being more open, both parties must work on helping each other to overcome the monster. This means you have to work on not acting jealous, needy, or depressed if the two of you are not together 24/7.

Remember, soldiers, independence is always good in a relationship. It is important to have your time away from each other so you are refreshed when you come back together. Do not lose yourself in someone else, by doing so we lose not only our sense of "self" but we also lose the relationships we have with others around us.

If your partner continues to act insecure and needy to the point that the relationship brings on more stress than happiness, it may be that your partner needs to work it out for themselves and you cannot help them, which is what I told Jessica Doe. With their relationship being over she can finally breathe, and has done him a favor by giving him the distance he needed so he can confront his monster all on his own. 

Remember soldiers, before we can hope to find love out there we have to find our own self-love. This means accepting all parts of ourselves: the good, the bad, and the ugly. If we see pieces of ourselves we think are ugly, we alone have the power to change them. That power is yours, and yours alone.

Love,

J.D.