Getting Out of the "Bad Lands"

As we get older we all go through experiences both good and bad that mold us into the people we are meant to become. I, Jane Doe, recently experienced something that truly terrified me and made me not only resentful at my own feelings of powerlessness, but also made me want nothing more than to shut myself away from the world and everyone in it.

After a few weeks of completely alienating myself I slowly began to realize the only one I was punishing for being in a bad situation was me. A situation, which was almost entirely out of my control. Situations can either tear us down on make us stronger depending on how we let ourselves react to the experience. If we see it as a learning experience we can protect ourselves from similar future situations and can save ourselves a lot of pain from learning from the bad, instead of letting ourselves be consumed by it.

Everyone has experienced something painful. The important part is to not give up hope in humanity (not everyone is the same) and most importantly not to give up on yourself. When we let a bad experience get the best of us it begins to take control and creates a road block from any chance at finding and discovering happiness whether it be in big or little things.

Happiness can be found when you turn to the people who support you and love you for you. I highly recommend reaching out when you feel this emptiness because it is these relations we fall back on in order to familiarize ourselves with feeling safe again. Do not lock yourself away.

Hiding away from the world leaves
you feeling only emptiness.

Some days may be harder than others but it is important for you to cease every day and realize that you can control your own fate but only if you don't let situations determine what you do and make of your life.

Love,
Jane Doe

21st Century Relationships.

As I have told you all before men do a fine job of scaring themselves in situations when it comes to relationships. More often than not, they will want the selfishness of keeping you to themselves (How dare that other guy want to take you out!) While at the same time keeping their own freedom by not claiming the two of you in an actual relationship.

While they have their own inner monologue on what they want, it is important not to sit on the fence next to them waiting. After all, you have your own life to live and women have more power in relationships now than ever before! Because of this, it is important to let the man finally come up with his own conclusions about what he wants without you pulling the relationship card. By not pushing the issue it gives the guy a chance to figure things out for himself. This doesn't mean you hold your breath, in fact, you should still go out and socialize and meet people.

Until he says he wants to be with you and
only you, he has no real claim on you.

This lets him see he is not your whole world and honestly, who wants to date someone who doesn't have a life of their own? NO ONE. Lay back and cruise. By letting the guy bring up the relationship it shows you are not being "needy" and that there is no real "pressure" or "rush" to make him feel like he needs to run like you just set him on fire.

If the pressure is off, fun can be had and honestly, what can be better than some fun with the ridiculously busy schedules we all seem to possess in this day and age. As always, be true to yourself. Know what you want and go for it and don't waste your time on someone who isn't willing to give up their time for you.

Jane Doe over and out.

What To Do When The Family Doesn't Dig Your Significant Other

Since a few of my friends have had recent qualms with this specific type of problem I figured this was the best topic to cover for the new blog entry. We all have those phases where we are attracted to characters our family is not always fond of whether it be because of appearance, lack of motivation, trust issues, or simply believing you just deserve better. But because we want so desperately to feel we are our own individuals we can sometimes try to rebel in the hopes that we can prove Mommy and Daddy Doe wrong. Whether it is to prove this person is good for you, or even that you know what is best for yourself (you are an adult now).

When it comes down to it, do you really know what and who is best for you? The fact of the matter is most of the time when we put ourselves in situations with partners that alienate us from the rest of our lives, goals, friends, family, etc. the people in our lives actually become distant and can become worried about us. It happens and leaves said individuals feeling like they are not important anymore simply because now you would rather lounge around with your partner instead. This phase of alienation does make sense at the beginning of a relationship and is often referred to as the "honeymoon phase" because things are so exciting and the two of you cannot get enough of each other. This phase can last anywhere from about a month to six months (if you are lucky).

Things stay this good in the beginning.

The reason you cannot get enough of each other is because of how new and different everything is. But once this phase is over it is important for you and your partner to pick up hobbies, friends and functions that you can attend apart from each other to keep the relationship interesting and have things to talk about when the two of you come back together. If you run out of things to talk about what are you honestly suppose to say to each other? Things will get dull because of the repetitive nature of events.

If your family is concerned about you and your choice of partner it is important for you to observe the relationship not in the defensive but as an outsider. It is hard, but you have to try putting yourself in another person's shoes. Have you been ignoring your friends? family? obligations or responsibilities? If the answer is yes you need to step up to the plate and fix things where they are broke, and I mean really fix them, not just say you will try to... After all, actions speak louder than words, soldiers.

A romance is like a match: it could burn out quickly. If you remove yourself from the lives of the people who loved you before your partner entered your life then who will you have to fall back on when the person is gone? The answer is simple, no one. No one likes a part time friend or family member, so if you value the relationships with the people in your life then cherish them and show them how much they matter before you let these relationships go up in smoke.

On the other hand, if you know in your heart and soul that your family and friends are wrong about your partner it is essential for you to show them just how wrong they are, not just tell them. Though things are exciting when you date outside of what your family comes to think of as right for you, it will make your life and your partner's much easier if you all can coexist together in a world of give and take. This means being there for all, not just the person "putting out." The obvious answer I can give to all of you is this: when family and friends do begin to notice a change in your behavior or in the way you let your partner treat you, they are going to try and bring it to your attention, just know nine times out of ten your family and friends are right because the people that really love you only want what is best for you.

Jane Doe over and out.

A Hairy Situation

I recently had an interesting conversation with a few of my fellow Does, both men and women, who got on the topic of sex and what amount of hair is and should be considered appropriate grooming for the bedroom. After talking to quite a few guys I discovered most guys don't like hair down there on a girl for a couple of very logical reasons.

1) Less friction during sex.
2) Makes giving oral sex to a girl more enjoyable.

I don't know many women who would argue with that.... some like to keep a landing strip to help guide a guy in the right direction and that is fine as long as it is trimmed down. But what guys should know is we like men who take care of their "situation" as well. This means keeping down "there" smelling clean and being either well trimmed or shaved so that when a girl gives you head she doesn't end up finding flossy hairs stuck in her teeth or have the potential of looking like a cat trying to regurgitate a hairball.

Yuck. This look is NEVER sexy.

This same incentive should be clear for guys.

1) No hair (or trimmed hair) on a man means the potential of receiving more oral sex.
2) Apparently makes your size stand out more when not so much hair is covering said situation.

Keep your situation under control.

 I don't think any guys would complain about that either. If you keep your business in check and maintained not only will you feel better that you are pleasing your partner, but you will feel more comfortable in giving them what they want while receiving your own pleasures as a reward.

Would you care for an appetizer?

I think the extra 10 minutes in the shower or on the waxing table can be considered well worth the reward. Feel free to share your thoughts on either our facebook page or as a comment below!

J.D.

How To Break The Cycle

My fellow Does, I apologize for falling off the radar recently. Things got a little complicated on the battlefield front. But I am back and ready to inform. Will not disappear like that again. Scouts honor!

-J.D.

Cyclical Dating

I recently had a reader comment on how she always seems to fall for the same type of guy... the guy who needs saving. She explained to me her exasperation in these situations and so I decided to focus on how  cyclical dating is not only disastrous to your love life, but is also a really bad habit that you should break.

I decided to really hone this and do some investigating. We all go for what feels comfortable, but usually by doing this and defining a specific "type" we seclude ourselves from other possible (and probably more successful) relationships. Think about it: If you go for the kind of relationship where the person needs saving, why didn't the relationships work with the other people you felt you needed to previously save? Was the relationship doomed because you couldn't save the person? Or was it that once the person was saved you were no longer interested?

Stop crying the same tears.

There are many different types of cyclical dating. This could even mean going back to the same person over and over again hoping things will change for the better. If you feel comfortable with someone who is distant emotionally and you feel that you can help get them in touch with their feelings (and hope to get them in touch with yours) you are already setting yourself up for disappointment. Leopards don't change their spots. And if you think dating someone will provoke a change in them you will only be sorely disappointed.

Cyclical dating is like a disease, and you have to find a vaccine that can help you break the mold and try something new. When we put ourselves in situations that we are not use to we get that surge of feelings with butterflies because of this newness. This is what makes the relationship fun and exciting. If we fear that excitement and the possibility of finding something different that makes us happy, we can self-sabotage this happiness by running back to what we "know" and what feels like a constant. This is not a healthy relationship because there isn't room for growth and if you remain stagnant then not only is the relationship ultimately doomed but so is your possibility of any future happiness.

Don't close doors that you have yet to explore before being willing to take a peak inside. By not having a specific "type," you leave yourself open to more chances at finding someone you can click with and more potential suitors.

My fellow Does, do not fall in your own trap and create your own unhappiness by falling into this rut of the constant and safe. Take chances. Meet new people. Give others a chance to know you and to love you. This can only be accomplished if you are willing to take risks and let go of the past and what was for the potential of living in the present. As Grammy Doe use to say, "Yesterday's history, tomorrow's a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why we call it the present" Live in the moment and find your real happiness.

Jane Doe Over and Out.

When To Feel Threatened

I recently had a reader ask me about friends of the opposite sex when mixed with relationships. I must admit, it can be a little hard to not feel insecure in situations where a potential guy/girl is perfect but also has this friend they love to spend time with. A friend, who is also attractive and makes you a little jealous. Whether it is of their closeness or strictly their appearance.

Everyone has had a situation like this, because most people find friends (even of the opposite sex) who they feel comfortable with and like hanging around because they share similar interests, etc. By having a person feel comfortable around a member of the same sex as you it really boils down to competing for their time and attention.

Many people say it isn't possible to have friends of the opposite sex. Why, just look at this scenario in When Harry Met Sally.

Harry: Men and women can't be friends
because the sex thing always gets in the way.

So the question to ask is: Is it true? Can men and women really not be friends? I think that it honestly depends on a few factors.

Going from my own experiences I can say that I have three male friends I have known almost since infancy and we are still very good friends today. We never crossed any lines of being more than friends, but I do know that two of the three at one point had feelings for me. It did make the friendship rather complicated and so we put distance between each other  until the feelings were no longer there and we could go back to being only friends.

If a friendship line is crossed by having sex with the friend, the relationship can rarely go back to the way things were pre-coitus. In fact, it usually ruins the friendship in most cases because one friend usually still harbors some intimate feelings from the encounter. And honestly these feelings are justifiable. After all, this is someone you were close to and could be yourself around so it is normal to have feelings develop after being that intimate with each other.

But it is possible to have friends of the opposite sex if this line isn't crossed. When partners are friends with their exes that usually can present a bit of a problem for a new relationship because whether or not each party is aware of it, it still drags a person's old baggage into their new relationship, especially if these exes still remain on good terms and hang out regularly. Because the door of the past relationship isn't completely closed, it creates complications for the new relationship and where these friendship's boundaries actually lie. Do they still kiss? Or hug a little too long? It raises a lot of questions for some people in these types of situations.

The best thing you can do is not go on attack mode if you are feeling uncomfortable. This only makes you seem jealous and needy. Instead, it is best to talk to your boyfriend or girlfriend and ask if they are into this friend in any way, or if they ever have been. You could also take the other side of the spectrum and ask if the friend has ever had feelings for your partner. Either way, you get an answer. It may not be the answer you like, but it is an answer. However, it ultimately boils down to trust. If this is someone you enjoy being with who doesn't present any other problems for you then try living with it. Try befriending the friend so you all can go hang out together (which most people hate because of third wheel situations). But if you can make it a group hang out it will allow you to relax a bit and everyone can then feel included.

If your partner is overtly flirty that it makes you uncomfortable and question their devotion to you because they throw themselves at others, then this probably isn't the healthiest relationship for you. No one likes having someone who makes them feel worse about themselves. Relationships are suppose to make us feel secure not unconfident.

-Jane Doe over and out.

When Its Not Them, It's You

I received an email from a fellow "John" Doe reader asking for advice about his last relationships. He has informed me he has been out with four different women in the past year and that once they start to get comfortable with him he begins to get incessantly bored. I copied pieces of his email to share with you all.
---
Dear Jane Doe,

I can't help but find all the women I have gone out with boring. It's not because they aren't interesting, but they rarely keep me wanting something more and as soon as they start saying "we" I start to become an asshole. Not because I want to, or mean to, but because I feel they are jumping into a relationship too fast and that they aren't right for me, or worthy my time. I am good looking and have money. Where am I going to find a girl that keeps me wanting more and not just wanting more of someone else?"

Jake Doe

---

Well, Jake, I'd like to commend you on your brutal honesty but first I must pose a question to you. How are you so sure you are worth their time? No one likes to be treated as if they are below you and from what I can gather this is exactly what you are doing to these women. If you belittle someone, whether they are worth your time or not, it is going to make you unbearable. Snobbery is never attractive, confidence is and the two are very different from each other. In fact, snobbery will drive girls to want someone else and could drive away a girl that would catch your undivided attention.

What makes someone irresistible is when they make you feel like you are the only person in the world that matters to them. You look them in the eyes as if completely captivated by their stare, you blush from their touch, or listen to what they say (yes, really listen). If you act pompous and like you are only looking for the nearest upgrade that seems to suit you, then any girl with common sense won't want to put up with you. After all, if a person is so in love with himself/herself how will they even be able to make room to really love someone else?

It could be that maybe you are dating women below your level of intelligence, which is why they don't hold your interest. But only you can really answer that. It is also important to have realistic expectations in what you hope to find in a partner, I suggest making a list of qualities that you must have in a partner, qualities you would like to have, and another list of qualities you will not put up with. When you can visually see what you want it helps you discover if that is what you have been going after in a partner and more often than not, it isn't.

Let's get real here.

Writing our goals down helps us stay on the right track and keeps us motivated. With the fast paced lives we live it is easy to get caught up with other things and to lose focus. I also recommend asking if you are a good catch. It takes a lot of soul searching to really look and be honest with yourself and discover your strengths and weaknesses. Only then can you work on making yourself even more desirable.

Ladies, realize this: If a man is more interested in pumping iron instead of pumping you that is the epitome of a guy who is in love with himself.

Most importantly, you must realize that you must put out the energy you hope to attract. If you appear to be arrogant and conceited, or negative and self conscious that is the only partner you will attract. I usually tell my readers that you must first have self love (but not be self-centered) in order to find real love. The only way you can do that is if you stop dating and spend some time alone. This allows you to discover who you really are and what you need. The best advice I can give is put the shoe on the other foot and ask yourself, "Would I want to date me?" And remember to make sure you go below the surface of looks and money with your answer to this. Even the rich and best looking can end up alone. So remember, looks do fade with time, but a person's character lasts forever.

-Jane Doe over and out.