The Future of Dating

In today's society we have seen such a pivotal shift in technology within the last nineteen years. Movies like Spike Jonze's Her encapsulate the direction our world is headed, a world dependent on technology for establishing relationships.

Honestly, what's the point of leaving home?

It's not a farfetched idea when you go to a coffee shop and take note of all the people who are within an arms length of you, yet are immersed in what they see on their laptops, tablets and smart phones. Or the friend of yours who cannot walk away from their phone because it must be on them at all times. We desire contact and yet know not how to achieve it through basic human interaction.

Many more people these days are relying on the internet and dating apps to help them with these connections. I have to be honest soldiers, there really isn't a problem with trying to connect through online platforms. What concerns me is the coldness that comes with technology. A text message replaces a phone call. A dating website substitutes a person going out and forcing themselves to be in a social setting. The dating game has changed where sometimes people appear too aloof and appear uninterested; then the spark just burns out. The main concern I have here is that people will forget how to communicate and connect with others.

I do not see technology as the enemy here, it is our dependence on it that worries me. I have lately been on the app Tinder. An app that started apparently as a hook up app, but has since cleaned up it's act and is now for dating. I have met many different kinds of guys on it. One who was self involved and seemed to possess a hatred for women because he wasn't yet over his ex who burned him. Another guy who was emotionally unavailable, yet became a dear friend. A guy who did not believe in making plans until the last minute, and a guy who was trying to figure out his own wants and desires after coming out of a longterm relationship.

We are all at our different stages. All works in progress who continue to grow and learn from our experiences as well as the connections we make along the way. It is essential we reach out and get off those devices so we can have that human interaction. You can see someone on a screen who looks great, but suddenly you have no chemistry once you two meet up. A screen cannot show you a person is a gentleman, or has a sense of humor.

Long story short: the most important advice I can give you, is do not deny yourself the chance to find someone who makes you happy.

Cuddles, hugs and kisses? You can't get that from Siri.

Life is what you make of it, Soldiers. So make the most of every moment.

Love,

Jane Doe

How to Avoid Dickmatization

Lots of Doe girls have suffered from a serious fever that is hard to shake. Here, I will cover the scary truth and how not to become a victim of dickmatization.

Dickmatization: The act of getting caught up in a sexual relationship that is going nowhere except the  bedroom.

Dickmatization is a real problem in LA.... most people think they are amazing in bed but really... are not. But when do you come across the pleasant surprise of someone who has some amazing tricks up their sleeves that it has you thinking about how you can't wait to get back into bed with them. This becomes a problem, and for some, even an addiction.

Sometimes, we tend to talk ourselves into things, make excuses for significant others (Oh he must just be busy), or even excuses for our own poor decision making etc. But the fact of the matter is sometimes people are looking only for a physical relationship. It's important to know: you can't make them suddenly real relationship material if that's not what they're looking for in the first place. Soldiers, realize that as amazing as the sex may be, all it is doing is wasting your valuable time of finding someone who may be the whole package.

Have you been the victim of Dickmatization? Ask yourself these questions...

1) Outside of sex, how well are you treated by him? Are you respected?

2) Does this relationship take you outside of the bedroom?

3) Do you find yourself justifying his/your actions that put you on the back-burner?

4) Does the sex keep you coming back for more while nothing else really does?

Avoid Dickmatization in 2 easy steps:

1) Love and Penis are Not Created Equal: Amazing sex is pleasurable and can become like a drug.  The addiction comes from feeling good and finding release. But sex does not mean love and sometimes, because women have an emotional connection to sex, we can confuse one for the other. It is important to realize that the more you go back to the person, the worse the addiction will get. I have said it before and I will say it again: know your worth, soldiers! Going back to a man who treats you as a booty call will not help your self esteem and will only make you feel worse about yourself and what you deserve. Don't settle for less! Important to realize: Small talk in the bedroom does not mean you guys are building anything more than sex. Has he actually taken you out of the house on a real date? Be totally honest with yourself.

2) Know Your Body: Discover your own likes and dislikes. As they say: practice makes perfect. Figuring out your own wiring, will help you help your future partners. Never depend on any single person to provide your happiness (or orgasms). Knowing what works for you puts you ahead of the game by recognizing when someone has potential or is on the right track.

It's rough, but you can get over this addiction. If you are looking for more than a bedroom romp, keep your expectations high so you will not waste your time with someone who ultimately has a game that will get old. And it always gets old. The sad part is the more time you waste with this person, the older you get and be denying yourself a real relationship. That is a tragedy no soldier should endure!

For a great in-depth article about relationships going nowhere, CLICK HERE for more helpful insight!

And note to my John Doe soldiers reading this, don't think you are in the free and clear... the term "pussy whipped" is basically the same thing....

Jane Doe over and out.

The Importance of Kissing

I recently received an e-mail from a fellow Doe girl about a man who she went out with who told her he didn't like kissing. I found this strange and immediately felt that this somehow had to do with him either feeling insecure about his lack of skill or perhaps bad halitosis. But after doing some research it turns out it is a very REAL problem that more than one Doe Girl in LA has confronted.

Turns out guys who don't like kissing may actually have issues with intimacy in general. According to psychologytoday.com, "people who aren't ready to merge love and lust will be more likely to avoid or be uncomfortable with kissing.  I think it's because no other physical act offers so many potent and equal sensory experiences for both partners simultaneously (regardless of sexual orientation)."

So if your significant other is uncomfortable with kissing I would ask you to question him on it. If it is a guy with intimacy issues it is important to recognize just what you are getting yourself into. If he is keeping his guard up, it may be that you might not even stand a chance to penetrate the wall he has built up in order to protect himself. If it has to do with him feeling inadequate, offer to teach him by showing him what you like and how you like to be kissed. Simple expressions like, "I love it when you kiss me like that" Help boost his ego. This makes YOU the center of the subject matter and takes away some of that awkwardness and pressure. If a guy is into you... he should be willing to try it out. As they say, practice makes perfect.

What a lot of guys don't get is women love kissing. It is the act that actually gets us turned on because women are imaginative... and we connect the dots to believe that if you are good at kissing you will be good at other activities too. Technique is important. Shoving your tongue down someone's throat is never attractive. We don't want to choke, and being too rough takes out the pleasure of it... there are lots of nerve endings in the mouth and tongue! "There's a unique sexual equality to the act of kissing.  It's the only sexual act that allows partners to simultaneously and equally penetrate and be penetrated with identical, incredibly neurally sensitive body parts." Discovering each others likes and sensitive spots is part of the excitement in a relationship. Every body is different and everyone has things they enjoy and don't. Kissing is unique in that it "offers... a range of leading, following and movement together as dancing (without an assumed male lead), so it gives people an alternative way to communicate intimate (and sometimes unconscious) messages about relationship feelings and status. For example, note who just wants to dominate with tonsil hockey, who is tight-lipped and timid about exploring, who does nothing but keep their mouth open etc." Kissing just like a relationship takes two to tango. You can learn a lot about your partner with a kiss... many things you might have not been aware of before so pay attention to technique. 

As always, compromise is important in any relationship, but if you are a kissing addict, be with someone who makes you happy. Sometimes people are so set in their ways it is important for us to realize we can't change them unless they want to change themselves.

So test the waters. Kiss and makeup, soldiers! 

Jane Doe over and out.

Respect & Relationships

I recently received two e-mails with questions about respect and relationships. Relationships take time to build. Its a big deal and definitely time consuming unless you are the jump straight into bed Casanova type.... (there are a lot of them out there). With that being said, respect is the only way to really understand the people in your life. I decided to write this article as a 2 for 1 soldiers, so let's dive right in.

First and foremost: It is important to respect our friends. And I felt now was a good time to cover some ground on the friends and flirting rules. If you don't respect your friends, you will find yourself alone and without any soldiers who will ever want to back you up. In the first e-mail I received, a fellow Doe girl dished that she has a flirty friend who she thinks purposefully flirts with the men she is digging and she doesn't know how to handle talking to her friend about said situation because she is the sensitive type.

Its a tricky situation and girls are always unconsciously competitive to some degree. "Who's hair is the longest? Who's the skinniest... blah, blah, blah..." Let's not forget a lot of women will people watch and hate on each other in social situations: "Oh my god, what is she wearing?" I say, if your friend is flirting with guys you are into and you let her know you were digging them straight from the beginning it is important to be upfront with your fellow Doe girl so she can be aware she is upsetting you. Technically, she hasn't spared your feelings so why should you spare hers? Now, I'm not saying to come off attacking or cruel in the delivery of how you feel, but it is important to tell her it like it is. Ask her: Are you into John Doe too? Because it seemed to me you've been giving him a lot of attention. Feel out her response. Does she come off defensive? If she does she may be aware she is doing it.

If she is flirting with someone you are into it hurts and frankly, I know I wouldn't want to have a night out on the town with someone who is suppose to be my "friend" stepping on my toes as competition just for attention's sake. As friendships go there is a silent code of honor we are suppose to follow. This code says we are to be supportive as friends, and never be competition when it comes to potential lovers. This is what you call: RESPECT soldiers!

After talking to her about it if she does this more than once and reacts in a hostile manner, (which in all likelihood she will),  I think you should probably distance yourself and give her time to reflect on your words. Chances are, she flirts with your interests because attention on her makes her feel valued and special, which basically tells your she is insecure and needs validation. I call this the case of hunger: Where said person wants to prove she can get what she wants even if someone else wants it too. If after your talk she keeps this up, I would honestly question the friendship because it sounds more like frienemies than anything else. You don't want it where down the road she could want to get "validated" with your husband in order to prove she's still got it. And hungry women are the ones who will take that attention any way they can get it. Tread cautiously, soldier.
......

Now, in another e-mail I received a fellow Doe-girl wrote in about always connecting to the wrong guys and asking for how she can she break her vicious cycle of failed relationships. This one isn't easy and definitely not so black and white but it actually deals partly with the article listed above in some fashion. A lot of people out there are hungry... and I am not talking about food. If you settle and constantly go for Mr. Wrong chances are you will never find Mr. Right.

Some women are starving for love.

We all have this little voice inside us that basically tells us how to judge someone's character. If you ignore that little voice and go down the same road over and over again then you are your own worst enemy and shooting yourself in the heart. Who likes going through pain, honestly? No one, soldiers. Change is within reach if you take the first step. Stop going for the guy you know will hurt you... and there are a lot of ways to compare a potential to your former flames. Was it purely physical? Did they place you on the back-burner? Were they constantly flakey? These are just a few questions to ask yourself that illustrates: He's just not that into you.

I don't care how great the sex is: bad boy or not, pick your self-respect up off the floor and run for the hills with it. Just because he is great in the sack doesn't mean he will ever respect you. In fact, chances are... the more you come back... the more he knows he can get away with being a dick and that you will accept it. Go for someone different from what you have typically gone for.

Change is good. But just know, you can blame all the jerks out there, or grow up and put the blame where it actually belongs: on you. Stop being attracted to the jerks and giving them the time of day... take the wheel and drive in the direction of your own happiness. You'll only get there if you take the first step and say sayornara to the ways and excuses of the jerk!

J.D. over and out.

Another Year Older, Another Year Wiser?

It seems like it has been ages since I reconnected with my fellow soldiers. I have been trying to keep myself busy to avoid certain ideas and concepts of love and relationships and how difficult it can truly be to connect to another human being in a society that strives to keep up with the latest upgrade on top of already being the MTV generation. Hard facts to swallow.

It's not that I have become entirely pessimistic, I call it realistic. There are quite a few good guys out there, but let's be real, soldiers, they are few and far between. I recently reflected on the year behind me and it's funny because I always manage to get myself into situations and when I look back I say: never again. I am not one of those repeat offenders. This is good news. A lot of soldiers keep going back to the same person thinking the circumstances can change and that it will lead to a brighter future between you and said partner but nine times out of ten the same underlying problems resurface themselves.

I like to think there are no mistakes in life, just lessons... and this is only true if you don't continue to go back and be a repeat offender. Live and learn. I try to keep this in the back of my mind. Love and relationships have their highs and lows. To be entirely honest I had quite a few of them within the last twelve months...

3 Relationships with 3 very different men.

Let's start with the first guy. A commitment-phob. Fool me once... I luckily didn't waste too much time on this one after my dad pointed out to me he was more transparent than a plastic bag in his insecurities. I don't know why, but he had a lot of volatile relationships and I wanted to help him. Stupid. You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. People who have baggage at a young age are trouble... so if there is already a lot from the get-go, pack your own bags and head for the hills!

And now onto Relationship #2: The Guy With No Backbone. This relationship was nothing short of a mess. Let's start off with the fact that this guy puts the moves on me when he was a friend's brother. I had been entirely unaware I had feelings for him until he made the move. This could convince you that since he made the first move, he has a backbone... right, soldiers? WRONG... what this means is he has a penis and he used it to give the illusion of a backbone. But as we know: a backbone and a penis are two entirely different things. I should have known better, but I didn't. He seemed like a good guy and we were friends and spent a lot of time together, but he was terrified of 'fessing up to his sister... and even though when the truth finally surfaced (because I told due to the fact that I have a backbone) both relationships went down the drain. And what's funny is I honestly don't regret it. As it was, I had a very creepy twilight zone experience from it, in which I woke up intoxicated and disoriented to his sister watching us sleeping. I thought for sure I would get knifed in the back *cue Psycho theme* but I luckily made it out alive. It was an ironic situation. I was scolded like a five year old for developing an emotional connection to someone I spent A LOT of time with... and for falling asleep next to him fully clothed. What was really ironic was there were plenty of opportunities that could have been walked in on that were a lot worse. As much as I hated not telling her for fear she would react the way I expected her to, I have to admit to myself and to you that there was something truly exciting about having one of those romances that are forbidden. It doesn't mean the sex itself is orgasmic, but the idea that anything could happen makes it feeling like you are living on the edge. And though most of these relationships go absolutely nowhere... it is exciting and something every soldier should try once. Just remember, don't be a repeat offender.

Onto Guy #3: The Friend Turned More... This guy was the friend I always ran to. The one who convinced me the guys I date are dicks. That I deserve better. That he was better. And after the man with "no backbone" I definitely needed a man's man who would definitely grab a bull by the horns. But as it turned out... friends turned lovers don't always work out because there is this illusion of what it could be like and when it isn't that it fizzles out like a wet flame.

Like I said before, soldiers, I am not one to have regrets... I learned from every single relationship I have had thus far. I realize a girl has to kiss a lot of frogs and I'm ready for something better. I'm not jaded about what to expect. But I have higher expectations for myself and what I deserve... as should you. I said it before, and I will say it again: Know your worth. Learn from your every experience and grow from them. They end up contributing to the layers that make you, you. These three situations may sound bad but I'm happy to be over and done with them because I learned so much more about myself, my "friendships" and basically that life in general is short.

I was always the girl that wouldn't ask a guy out. And now I walk up to the one I want and I'm bold. Nothing ventured, nothing gained... and I'm no longer on the path of settling. Onward and upward, soldiers.... seek out what you want and make it happen and kiss those past regrets goodbye.

J.D. Over and Out.

Out-Growing the Game Playing of Dating

I took a night on the town last week with a couple of my Doe girls and had this cute guy come over to where our table was after I had casually extended an invite his way. So he came over and we start chatting at a local bar on the Westside. While a band is setting up, and we exchange some casual conversation. I can tell he is interested because when my girl's lean in to mention something to me (and vice versa), he is eager to watch us and eavesdrop. 

The band starts to play and he starts to play aloof. Then he starts conversation again and because I ask where he is from, trying to *gasp,* actually get to know him as a person should he tells me I am intense.


Hmmm.... intense. I decided to look up this word because automatically I actually found myself a little insulted.


INTENSE: (adj.)

(of a condition, quality, feeling, etc.) Existing in a high degree; extreme: "this job demands intense concentration". (of an action) Highly concentrated: "intense competition".

Synonyms: strong - keen - intensive - powerful


It's an amazing double edged sword... women in this town can't win. Either you come on too strong or you are too shy.

After a little more of playful bar interrogation,I discovered this guy was twenty-one. Suddenly a lot began to make sense. The hot/cold play was the games this guy was used to playing. Games I had gotten sucked into when I was younger. Frankly, at this point in my life I am a little too old for those games.


I never let a single experience upset me to the point where I feel like giving up. Life is all about trial and error, so all we can do is pull from our experiences (learn whatever lessons we can from them) and move forward and try to stay away from repeating a type of pattern.


As I was leaving, I realized he was looking for a hook up and nothing more, which was why I overwhelmed him by asking about where he was from and what he does for a living. Actually getting to know someone leads to emotional attachment.... I should have known better.


I am intense. I am a strong soldier, who knows what I want and goes for it. Some people find that intimidating, but then again... I don't want someone wishy-washy, unmotivated, or... as my wonderful Doe Girl Rachel* said: "It's better to be intense and interesting rather than ridiculously boring."


Well said, Rachel, well said.

Us soldiers got to put ourselves out there. Nothing venture, nothing gained. So as much as you may hate the dating games... you won't find your equal without putting yourself out there. And with some weeding out the inadequate ones you'll find someone who is worth talking to with some "intense" conversation... A guy that actually wants to get to know you as a person.

Jane Doe is still on this mission. Stay strong, soldiers!


Jane Doe Over and Out.

Losing You In Someone Else

Soldiers,

I have lately noticed an unbelievably scary trend within the dating scene in LA... something that I found not only thought provoking but frightening at the very same time. It is a disease I would like to name "coupledom": this is a virus where a person gets so attached to their significant other that they cannot sever ties with that person in their life. Most of the time, these people (I have found both men and women do this), will stay in an unhappy relationship and take a lot of self-inflicted abuse with unhappiness rather than face the possibility of being single.

Why the self-inflicted abuse? Why settle for mediocre when you can find someone who supplies you with real relationship nirvana? The answer is scary: a fear of being alone. So many soldiers I have talked to about this have an unmistakable fear of being unlovable. Even in the narcissistic world of Hollywoodland (and the areas surrounding it) there is someone out there for everyone. And honestly, Soldiers, from the bottom of my heart I mean that! Nothing is more tragic than looking at someone you know is wonderful and watching them continue to sell themselves short and hold themselves back from finding real happiness.

Just because you two are together doesn't
mean you both have it "together."

So how do we turn off this tiny voice in the back of our head that constantly keeps us second guessing ourselves? The truth is you can't turn it off... nine times out of ten we are our own worst critic. And that little voice often hurts us more than it helps by making us second-guess ourselves and our value. While there is no way to get rid of it... you can drown out the  little voice by constantly reminding yourself how wonderful you are and what makes you special.

Turn down the volume of the "Little Voice,"
and give yourself some peace of mind.

When you hear that nagging voice start up say something aloud in front of a mirror (this is important) that counteracts the negative thoughts the little voice puts out. By saying a sentence that is positive about who you are out loud you give it not only more value as awareness but also create more of a statement by affecting your senses while you tell yourself just how awesome you really are. You see yourself saying it, you hear yourself saying it and pretty soon you will be able to feel it too.

I am constantly telling fellow soldiers that the only way to find someone to love you is to love yourself first. I cannot stress just how important this is! People come and go in life and being the strong soldiers we are, we have to be a survivor and not let our world shatter once one chapter of our life is over. If we learn from our mistakes then they become lessons. Lessons teach us not only things we want/don't want in a partner... but also teach us so much about ourselves. They only continue to be mistakes if you keep making the same one. Outgrow your mistakes and you outgrow bad habits, which will ultimately lead to a happier you!

                                              You are unique, Soldier. You are beautiful. 
See what you have to offer and make a promise to work on what you feel you have to work on... don't kick yourself or feel sorry for yourself. You are strong, you are wonderful... the only one who fails to realize just how much so is you. So make a point to change that. Make a point to set a new standard for yourself and realize you can find someone who makes you happy once you can make yourself happy.

So make a new years resolution to clean house on your emotional or mental roadblock baggage that keeps holding you back. I promise you will find a more incredible and exciting year right around the corner.... and who knows... Prince Charming might be there too. But I guarantee you won't find him while being in an unhappy relationship with someone else. Keep your eyes peeled, Soldiers! Adventures await you!

Happy New Year! :)

-J.D.