Respect & Relationships

I recently received two e-mails with questions about respect and relationships. Relationships take time to build. Its a big deal and definitely time consuming unless you are the jump straight into bed Casanova type.... (there are a lot of them out there). With that being said, respect is the only way to really understand the people in your life. I decided to write this article as a 2 for 1 soldiers, so let's dive right in.

First and foremost: It is important to respect our friends. And I felt now was a good time to cover some ground on the friends and flirting rules. If you don't respect your friends, you will find yourself alone and without any soldiers who will ever want to back you up. In the first e-mail I received, a fellow Doe girl dished that she has a flirty friend who she thinks purposefully flirts with the men she is digging and she doesn't know how to handle talking to her friend about said situation because she is the sensitive type.

Its a tricky situation and girls are always unconsciously competitive to some degree. "Who's hair is the longest? Who's the skinniest... blah, blah, blah..." Let's not forget a lot of women will people watch and hate on each other in social situations: "Oh my god, what is she wearing?" I say, if your friend is flirting with guys you are into and you let her know you were digging them straight from the beginning it is important to be upfront with your fellow Doe girl so she can be aware she is upsetting you. Technically, she hasn't spared your feelings so why should you spare hers? Now, I'm not saying to come off attacking or cruel in the delivery of how you feel, but it is important to tell her it like it is. Ask her: Are you into John Doe too? Because it seemed to me you've been giving him a lot of attention. Feel out her response. Does she come off defensive? If she does she may be aware she is doing it.

If she is flirting with someone you are into it hurts and frankly, I know I wouldn't want to have a night out on the town with someone who is suppose to be my "friend" stepping on my toes as competition just for attention's sake. As friendships go there is a silent code of honor we are suppose to follow. This code says we are to be supportive as friends, and never be competition when it comes to potential lovers. This is what you call: RESPECT soldiers!

After talking to her about it if she does this more than once and reacts in a hostile manner, (which in all likelihood she will),  I think you should probably distance yourself and give her time to reflect on your words. Chances are, she flirts with your interests because attention on her makes her feel valued and special, which basically tells your she is insecure and needs validation. I call this the case of hunger: Where said person wants to prove she can get what she wants even if someone else wants it too. If after your talk she keeps this up, I would honestly question the friendship because it sounds more like frienemies than anything else. You don't want it where down the road she could want to get "validated" with your husband in order to prove she's still got it. And hungry women are the ones who will take that attention any way they can get it. Tread cautiously, soldier.
......

Now, in another e-mail I received a fellow Doe-girl wrote in about always connecting to the wrong guys and asking for how she can she break her vicious cycle of failed relationships. This one isn't easy and definitely not so black and white but it actually deals partly with the article listed above in some fashion. A lot of people out there are hungry... and I am not talking about food. If you settle and constantly go for Mr. Wrong chances are you will never find Mr. Right.

Some women are starving for love.

We all have this little voice inside us that basically tells us how to judge someone's character. If you ignore that little voice and go down the same road over and over again then you are your own worst enemy and shooting yourself in the heart. Who likes going through pain, honestly? No one, soldiers. Change is within reach if you take the first step. Stop going for the guy you know will hurt you... and there are a lot of ways to compare a potential to your former flames. Was it purely physical? Did they place you on the back-burner? Were they constantly flakey? These are just a few questions to ask yourself that illustrates: He's just not that into you.

I don't care how great the sex is: bad boy or not, pick your self-respect up off the floor and run for the hills with it. Just because he is great in the sack doesn't mean he will ever respect you. In fact, chances are... the more you come back... the more he knows he can get away with being a dick and that you will accept it. Go for someone different from what you have typically gone for.

Change is good. But just know, you can blame all the jerks out there, or grow up and put the blame where it actually belongs: on you. Stop being attracted to the jerks and giving them the time of day... take the wheel and drive in the direction of your own happiness. You'll only get there if you take the first step and say sayornara to the ways and excuses of the jerk!

J.D. over and out.

Another Year Older, Another Year Wiser?

It seems like it has been ages since I reconnected with my fellow soldiers. I have been trying to keep myself busy to avoid certain ideas and concepts of love and relationships and how difficult it can truly be to connect to another human being in a society that strives to keep up with the latest upgrade on top of already being the MTV generation. Hard facts to swallow.

It's not that I have become entirely pessimistic, I call it realistic. There are quite a few good guys out there, but let's be real, soldiers, they are few and far between. I recently reflected on the year behind me and it's funny because I always manage to get myself into situations and when I look back I say: never again. I am not one of those repeat offenders. This is good news. A lot of soldiers keep going back to the same person thinking the circumstances can change and that it will lead to a brighter future between you and said partner but nine times out of ten the same underlying problems resurface themselves.

I like to think there are no mistakes in life, just lessons... and this is only true if you don't continue to go back and be a repeat offender. Live and learn. I try to keep this in the back of my mind. Love and relationships have their highs and lows. To be entirely honest I had quite a few of them within the last twelve months...

3 Relationships with 3 very different men.

Let's start with the first guy. A commitment-phob. Fool me once... I luckily didn't waste too much time on this one after my dad pointed out to me he was more transparent than a plastic bag in his insecurities. I don't know why, but he had a lot of volatile relationships and I wanted to help him. Stupid. You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. People who have baggage at a young age are trouble... so if there is already a lot from the get-go, pack your own bags and head for the hills!

And now onto Relationship #2: The Guy With No Backbone. This relationship was nothing short of a mess. Let's start off with the fact that this guy puts the moves on me when he was a friend's brother. I had been entirely unaware I had feelings for him until he made the move. This could convince you that since he made the first move, he has a backbone... right, soldiers? WRONG... what this means is he has a penis and he used it to give the illusion of a backbone. But as we know: a backbone and a penis are two entirely different things. I should have known better, but I didn't. He seemed like a good guy and we were friends and spent a lot of time together, but he was terrified of 'fessing up to his sister... and even though when the truth finally surfaced (because I told due to the fact that I have a backbone) both relationships went down the drain. And what's funny is I honestly don't regret it. As it was, I had a very creepy twilight zone experience from it, in which I woke up intoxicated and disoriented to his sister watching us sleeping. I thought for sure I would get knifed in the back *cue Psycho theme* but I luckily made it out alive. It was an ironic situation. I was scolded like a five year old for developing an emotional connection to someone I spent A LOT of time with... and for falling asleep next to him fully clothed. What was really ironic was there were plenty of opportunities that could have been walked in on that were a lot worse. As much as I hated not telling her for fear she would react the way I expected her to, I have to admit to myself and to you that there was something truly exciting about having one of those romances that are forbidden. It doesn't mean the sex itself is orgasmic, but the idea that anything could happen makes it feeling like you are living on the edge. And though most of these relationships go absolutely nowhere... it is exciting and something every soldier should try once. Just remember, don't be a repeat offender.

Onto Guy #3: The Friend Turned More... This guy was the friend I always ran to. The one who convinced me the guys I date are dicks. That I deserve better. That he was better. And after the man with "no backbone" I definitely needed a man's man who would definitely grab a bull by the horns. But as it turned out... friends turned lovers don't always work out because there is this illusion of what it could be like and when it isn't that it fizzles out like a wet flame.

Like I said before, soldiers, I am not one to have regrets... I learned from every single relationship I have had thus far. I realize a girl has to kiss a lot of frogs and I'm ready for something better. I'm not jaded about what to expect. But I have higher expectations for myself and what I deserve... as should you. I said it before, and I will say it again: Know your worth. Learn from your every experience and grow from them. They end up contributing to the layers that make you, you. These three situations may sound bad but I'm happy to be over and done with them because I learned so much more about myself, my "friendships" and basically that life in general is short.

I was always the girl that wouldn't ask a guy out. And now I walk up to the one I want and I'm bold. Nothing ventured, nothing gained... and I'm no longer on the path of settling. Onward and upward, soldiers.... seek out what you want and make it happen and kiss those past regrets goodbye.

J.D. Over and Out.

Out-Growing the Game Playing of Dating

I took a night on the town last week with a couple of my Doe girls and had this cute guy come over to where our table was after I had casually extended an invite his way. So he came over and we start chatting at a local bar on the Westside. While a band is setting up, and we exchange some casual conversation. I can tell he is interested because when my girl's lean in to mention something to me (and vice versa), he is eager to watch us and eavesdrop. 

The band starts to play and he starts to play aloof. Then he starts conversation again and because I ask where he is from, trying to *gasp,* actually get to know him as a person should he tells me I am intense.


Hmmm.... intense. I decided to look up this word because automatically I actually found myself a little insulted.


INTENSE: (adj.)

(of a condition, quality, feeling, etc.) Existing in a high degree; extreme: "this job demands intense concentration". (of an action) Highly concentrated: "intense competition".

Synonyms: strong - keen - intensive - powerful


It's an amazing double edged sword... women in this town can't win. Either you come on too strong or you are too shy.

After a little more of playful bar interrogation,I discovered this guy was twenty-one. Suddenly a lot began to make sense. The hot/cold play was the games this guy was used to playing. Games I had gotten sucked into when I was younger. Frankly, at this point in my life I am a little too old for those games.


I never let a single experience upset me to the point where I feel like giving up. Life is all about trial and error, so all we can do is pull from our experiences (learn whatever lessons we can from them) and move forward and try to stay away from repeating a type of pattern.


As I was leaving, I realized he was looking for a hook up and nothing more, which was why I overwhelmed him by asking about where he was from and what he does for a living. Actually getting to know someone leads to emotional attachment.... I should have known better.


I am intense. I am a strong soldier, who knows what I want and goes for it. Some people find that intimidating, but then again... I don't want someone wishy-washy, unmotivated, or... as my wonderful Doe Girl Rachel* said: "It's better to be intense and interesting rather than ridiculously boring."


Well said, Rachel, well said.

Us soldiers got to put ourselves out there. Nothing venture, nothing gained. So as much as you may hate the dating games... you won't find your equal without putting yourself out there. And with some weeding out the inadequate ones you'll find someone who is worth talking to with some "intense" conversation... A guy that actually wants to get to know you as a person.

Jane Doe is still on this mission. Stay strong, soldiers!


Jane Doe Over and Out.

Losing You In Someone Else

Soldiers,

I have lately noticed an unbelievably scary trend within the dating scene in LA... something that I found not only thought provoking but frightening at the very same time. It is a disease I would like to name "coupledom": this is a virus where a person gets so attached to their significant other that they cannot sever ties with that person in their life. Most of the time, these people (I have found both men and women do this), will stay in an unhappy relationship and take a lot of self-inflicted abuse with unhappiness rather than face the possibility of being single.

Why the self-inflicted abuse? Why settle for mediocre when you can find someone who supplies you with real relationship nirvana? The answer is scary: a fear of being alone. So many soldiers I have talked to about this have an unmistakable fear of being unlovable. Even in the narcissistic world of Hollywoodland (and the areas surrounding it) there is someone out there for everyone. And honestly, Soldiers, from the bottom of my heart I mean that! Nothing is more tragic than looking at someone you know is wonderful and watching them continue to sell themselves short and hold themselves back from finding real happiness.

Just because you two are together doesn't
mean you both have it "together."

So how do we turn off this tiny voice in the back of our head that constantly keeps us second guessing ourselves? The truth is you can't turn it off... nine times out of ten we are our own worst critic. And that little voice often hurts us more than it helps by making us second-guess ourselves and our value. While there is no way to get rid of it... you can drown out the  little voice by constantly reminding yourself how wonderful you are and what makes you special.

Turn down the volume of the "Little Voice,"
and give yourself some peace of mind.

When you hear that nagging voice start up say something aloud in front of a mirror (this is important) that counteracts the negative thoughts the little voice puts out. By saying a sentence that is positive about who you are out loud you give it not only more value as awareness but also create more of a statement by affecting your senses while you tell yourself just how awesome you really are. You see yourself saying it, you hear yourself saying it and pretty soon you will be able to feel it too.

I am constantly telling fellow soldiers that the only way to find someone to love you is to love yourself first. I cannot stress just how important this is! People come and go in life and being the strong soldiers we are, we have to be a survivor and not let our world shatter once one chapter of our life is over. If we learn from our mistakes then they become lessons. Lessons teach us not only things we want/don't want in a partner... but also teach us so much about ourselves. They only continue to be mistakes if you keep making the same one. Outgrow your mistakes and you outgrow bad habits, which will ultimately lead to a happier you!

                                              You are unique, Soldier. You are beautiful. 
See what you have to offer and make a promise to work on what you feel you have to work on... don't kick yourself or feel sorry for yourself. You are strong, you are wonderful... the only one who fails to realize just how much so is you. So make a point to change that. Make a point to set a new standard for yourself and realize you can find someone who makes you happy once you can make yourself happy.

So make a new years resolution to clean house on your emotional or mental roadblock baggage that keeps holding you back. I promise you will find a more incredible and exciting year right around the corner.... and who knows... Prince Charming might be there too. But I guarantee you won't find him while being in an unhappy relationship with someone else. Keep your eyes peeled, Soldiers! Adventures await you!

Happy New Year! :)

-J.D.

How To End Pushover-itus

-Soldiers,

If it seemed I had fallen off the radar, I am here to let you know I haven't... I am still alive and in the game. Wading through this battle of finding love and happiness. I can at least see I am well on my way to these discoveries and am basically making it up as I go. Living day to day has not only proved to be easier but it removed a lot of unecessary stress from the puzzle too. I took my own advice and recently severed ties that had been emotionally draining with selfish individuals and the whole experience was very cathartic. So I know this new blog is long overdue but I hope you enjoy it and are staying strong in your own search for love and happiness!
----

Take back control and end your "pushover-itus"

We have all been there... a relationship where we have felt taken advantage of in one way or another. I have recently been living this experience and find that as the year is quickly coming to a close I have already started with my own list of New Years Resolutions... one which is to stop being so nice.

"And after I am done polishing your shoes I can shave
your testicals for no additional charge."

I now realize that most people seek out people pleasers for the obvious reason that they are giving. Moochers love giving people because many don't ask (or don't have the cajones to ask) for anything in return. As I have stated in numerous past articles relationships are all about reciprocity. Without it, the giver begins to feel worthless and used. Feelings that are not only frustrating, but are also damaging to self-esteem. (If this is all I am good for then I guess I will never find anything better, etc.)

Frankly, I am sick and tired of finding wonderful soldiers in relationships and situations where they go on underappreciated. Half of knowing you're a catch is believing that you are in the first place. In order to overcome the vicious cycle of being "The Sucker," you must first learn a very important word: No.

The Sucker (n.)  [suh-ker]: A person who constantly gets suckered into situations and people that are not only unhealthy for them but constantly take advantage of this person's goodwill and wonderful character. A person can be suckered by a lover, a friend, or even a family member. Regardless of the relationship one thing is certain: this person has a hard time putting their foot down and saying "no."

The Power of the Word "No":

Saying no can be hard but it is rewarding. It's not being completely selfish, but rather doing for those who are deserving of your giving because they give back. Being a little selfish means putting your needs first sometimes and this is the healthiest way to discovering the true you. Let's practice, Soldiers.

No, I will not let you live here for three months rent free.
No, I will not let you copy my midterm.
No, I will not clean up the clusterf*ck you have made with your life.

It may sound harsh but sometimes people have to hit bottom, we can't save them by constantly picking up the pieces for them... in fact, that's doing them a disservice because they will never know how to take care or do anything for themselves. It's like that old Chinese Proverb: "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime." So do both you and the suck-ee a favor... let them fend for themselves and stop being so nice.

In the end you will discover that in the time you stressed over situations you did not want to be in you could have been doing something else way more productive... like learning a new sport, writing a novel, flying a kite... or anything else that is a lot more appealing than stressing a situation that is entirely avoidable if you do your part and just say "no."

Stay Strong, Soldiers!
-J.D.

Severing Ties For A Happier You

Happy Saturday, Soldiers! I received an e-mail from another one of our readers who wrote that she is in a relationship she knows is unhealthy but finds herself having the hardest time letting go of it... even though she is well aware she should. I realized this would be the perfect topic for a new article because a lot of men and women put themselves in situations and relationships could be deemed as 'high drama' and unhealthy.

We cannot help who we like: blame science. Chemistry is a very strong driving factor for attraction and I am also told pheromones have a strong influence too. But sometimes things get complicated... life happens and the universe throws us in different directions to keep us on our toes. In order to survive the chaos that keeps life ever-changing we have to be willing to adapt to situations and the fluctuations relationships go through. The stronger soldiers do this, usually without even realizing it, and put up with a lot of debris that can crowd life's path and clutter our minds and emotions. But how much is too much? Is it "giving up" if you walk away and start a new assignment? A new journey separate from the path you were on? Was this the path meant for you? And how do you know when the weight of the situation/relationship is worth the struggle?

Ask yourself if the good times outweigh
the bad times. This is a typical indicator.

Life is full of struggles. The Chinese proverb, (or curse as some see it), "may you live in interesting times" basically wishes you hardships and struggles because they make life interesting, teach us valuable lessons, and help us recognize that some things are worth fighting for. If life were easy, things would be boring. And, as my fellow Doe girl Danielle put it, "The best things in life are worth fighting for, believing in and never letting go of." This applies when a relationship gives you more happiness than grief. Even if other people fail to recognize it but in your heart of hearts you know it. However, if the scales are tipped in the other direction then you are setting yourself up for nothing but misery.

If the relationship seems unhealthy, then it should be let go of. The longer you stay in it, the harder it will be to break free... not to mention, it will hurt more the longer you draw it out. Now I am not saying you will find a relationship without challenges. There will always be challenges, soldiers. But if you can find someone who puts as much energy, effort and love in as you do then you will find yourself a lot happier. Find someone who values you and what you have to offer; because the partner that takes you for granted is the partner who doesn't recognize a good thing until they lose it.

Sometimes when you love something you have to let it go, if it comes back then it was meant to be. Yet for your own health and happiness this may mean letting go of said relationship and taking care of yourself for a while, soldier. And I mean really letting go... severing ties (at least in the beginning) is the only way you will be able to move on and do right by you. You may come to realize this relationship was wrong for you from the get-go. And if it was the right relationship all along and is meant to be it will come back to you... but only let them back in your life if your partner in crime proves to you they have changed and are worthy of your love and your time.... Because you are unique and valuable and will find someone who recognizes these qualities in you, even if they fail to do so.

A bad relationship is like an addiction. We love the person and crave their time and affection yet recognize that they are toxic. Detoxing may be hard but is so worth it! It gives you a chance to breathe fresh air, clear your head and see things differently. So, take that deep breath and the leap of faith... the universe works in mysterious ways!

Love,
Jane Doe

Live and Let Live

I have recently been thinking a lot about relationships. All relationships, not just the romantic ones. And had this epiphany that really struck me... sometimes we don't know where a relationship is headed and how true it is until we rock the boat with that relationship. I think there is this moment of clarity we get when we see just how a partner in crime, a lover, or a friend shows who they are when you really test the waters in that relationship. It is this moment of clarity where we get to see: a person's "true colors,  how this person reacts under conflict and/or pressure, as well as, how they truly feel about you and the conflict. Its odd, but confrontation allows us to see things and people in a whole new light.

It is kind of ironic, but people crave closeness and companionship. The world seems a lot sadder and darker without people around us who can lighten life and be there for us through other struggles in daily life. The funny thing, soldiers, is sometimes it is that closeness that causes us to believe we have established a real connection with another individual; and we disillusion ourselves into believing we have found something permanent, or what I like to call a constant.

"constant": something/someone you can always rely on.

The reasons for this special "bond" could be similar interests or goals, similarities in personality, or just comfort over a period of time etc. But the truth is, we never really can recognize how true the bond of that relationship is until the bond is tested in some capacity.

I have come to the conclusion that people portray themselves the way they want to appear. Look at most people who are on online dating sites. They attempt to create an illusion of the person they would like to be but when you meet them face to face you can sometimes find they are nothing like their description. The same is true when people go out in social settings. They present themselves as confident, fun, and easygoing as possible to attract people with these traits.

Yet we never really truly know a person until we see the side of them they try to hide or disguise. As that old but true proverb goes: "when the going gets tough, the tough get going." This means that when the road can get bumpy, a strong person will work harder to meet said challenge or difficulty. The surface relations will run for the hills and from the challenge. In a way, it is a blessing in disguise because it helps us delineate a true bond from a surface bond and makes us look internally to recognize and be grateful for the true constants we do have in our lives.

Don't be fooled by what people want you to see Soldiers, dig deep and find their true self and yours. You will save yourself a lot of disappointment by searching below the surface for what people try to hide and knowing just what you are getting yourself into. Don't expect perfection, but don't accept just anyone as a constant either.

Remember, "To thine own self be true."

-Jane Doe over and out.