The World of Online Dating

I had never been one to consider meeting someone online, yet when a fellow soldier wrote in and asked me to cover an article about it, I knew the only way I could write about such a topic would be to try it out for myself. I gave the mission a one month trial just to test it out.

I decided on Match.com not only because they were offering a one month free trial, but because I felt that if people are looking for something serious they would be willing to pay for the service to find it. There are also a lot of free dating services out there. But I had quite a few fellow soldiers try them and they all lead to a few shady experiences that haven't lead anywhere. Janet Doe* talked to a guy for a while online only to have him harass her with picture texting her random pictures of his member before they even made it on the first date. Jessica Doe* continues to try dating online, but on her last date she noticed a camera situated in her date's backseat recording their driving... needless to say, she was a smart soldier and got out of there fast!

In a world where it is hard to make connections in the LA nightlife for more than a booty call, I decided to be selective in who I considered writing back to. I was showered with a lot of attention and I have to admit, it did feel nice... but I remained cautious. I finally had one guy who wrote me and seemed very real and we had a lot in common. The one red flag was that he had one picture up on his account... so naturally, I was concerned that he really "looked" like that.

Nearing the end of my one month trial, I finally mustered up the courage to respond to my "match" and I agreed to grab a cup of coffee with him. We had some really good conversations but I didn't feel any actual chemistry with the guy. I felt bad because he was sweet, and seemed very genuine, (and yes, he was the guy in the picture), but that rush of excitement you get from going out on a date with someone just wasn't there for me. I began to feel worse because at the end of the date I tried to be cordial, but he basically tried to mount me on the street. Everything he said and did on the date basically stated that he was already "smitten." Neediness scares the hell out of any solider, guy or girl, and I knew that was the signal for this soldier to flee.

I have come to the conclusion that in order for a person to really understand online dating and whether it can lead to anything for you is to experience it first hand. I discovered it wasn't for me. I like it more organic, where boy meets girl, girl and boy like each other and go out and both have butterflies while out on the town together. For me, looking at a computer screen did not give me the effect of excitement or the thrill of newness.

I have no regrets about the experience though. It was an experience of growth and it gave me the answers I needed to understand online dating is just not for me. Will it work for you? Try it on for yourself, soldier... do not limit yourself by closing doors without being willing to take a peak on what is on the other side of the door.

Jane Doe over and out.

There's a First Time For Everything

I, Jane Doe, did something I never thought I would actually do. I went speed dating. I decided to bring a couple of my fellow Doe girls just so we can share our experiences together for this post (so that it wasn't just one opinion, but four very different experiences). I didn't want to end up disappointed: with the venue, the company, or the dating service. So I decided to go into this thing with no expectations.

So, my friends Jodie Doe*, Jessica Doe*, and Joanna Doe* and I decided to dress up and try this thing out since we were all Speed Dating virgins. When we first arrived we scoped out the room to see the guys around us. It kind of felt like a dance from junior high-- guys stood on one side of bar, while the girls sat on the other. Eventually, a few "brave souls" came over to make conversation with some of the girls. My girls and I decided to grab a few drinks at the bar so we could lose any anxious feelings and relax a bit. I decided to write the experience off as research so even if I didn't meet anyone, I at least was trying something new.

Jodie Doe was very nervous about the whole thing. She is usually my sidekick in all things "new," so she agreed to join me on my speed dating mission. At first she had a lot of fears that the guys were going to be genuinely creepy the way speed daters are depicted in films and t.v. shows. But I reminded her that we were going just for the experience of it.

Cupid may not give you love at first
sight, but your first impression helps
you narrow the selection.

Jessica Doe just came out of a relationship and so I think she wasn't really connected to the evening emotionally, and I think part of that was because she is still taking time out for herself so she isn't really looking for anyone right now.

Joanna Doe was very excited for the evening and could hardly wait to get started with the interviewing process. (She had been trying to convince me to go for months and finally got me to go with her.)

They had us sit at little tables and gave each of us a number, they told us to ask guys for their names and numbers for our little score sheets. It was pretty self explanatory with a "yes, no, and maybe" column. I found it really refreshing, and not awkward like I thought I might. Most of the guys jumped right into asking questions... "a race against time" mentality if you will. With only 3 1/2 minutes to spare they wanted to really get to know you... not simply try to get in your pants.

Some of the guys and I had really nice conversations. They made me laugh, and were so interesting that no two were exactly alike. Yes there were a couple odd-balls that were awkward: One guy asked Jodie if she "liked dinosaurs," while a different guy told the girl Alex sitting beside me, "I am looking for my wife, can you see us getting married?" (RUN, ALEX, RUN!)

"Has it been four minutes yet?"

However, most of them really just wanted to meet a nice girl in a city that thrives on short-lived romances. It was such a relief to find there are good genuine guys in LA not just looking for a hook up but something more.

The weirdest question I was asked had to be the worst advice my parents ever gave me about love, dating, or relationships. And I honestly couldn't think of anything because both of my parents are so easy to talk to and really big on having you learn life lessons from your own experiences (instead of don't do this, or that, etc.) I really liked that there was a time limit on the thing because I am really good with first impressions and most of the time we are right in the way we perceive people. I knew right off the bat which guys I would want to get to know more and which ones I didn't. One admitted he had a gambling problem (ummm... so not going to happen.) And their wasn't any awkward lingering since the guys got shuffled along. I even figured out how to make it not awkward if you "lacked" interest you just kept them talking about themselves and it is a "non-threatening" way of rejecting them because you don't really open up to them, so they aren't given the chance to get to know you. (yes, I used this method for both the dinosaur guy and the one looking for his future wife.)

The ladies who hosted the event were right about writing the names and numbers down as soon as your "date" sits down. After a while you aren't really able to say who is who because you go through about twenty-five guys with under four minutes with each of them, so names and faces begin to blend together.

I ended up with four guys I ultimately felt I might like to get to know more. Jodie ended up with four guys that she liked, Jessica didn't really connect to any one guy because she wasn't in the mindset to put herself "out there." But she does want to try it again later when she feels ready to meet someone new. Joanna really hit it off with four of the six guys she put on her list and informed me she definitely plans on getting in contact with them to see if this will go anywhere. She wants to try speed dating again with a different service to see what other guys are out there and not put all her eggs in one basket. Jodie, Jessica and I are still waiting to hear back from the speed dating services to see what matches we got. Either way, we all agreed it was an eye opening experience and that we all want to do it again!

Never say never, soldiers. Trying new things sometimes lead to interesting experiences and people! Enjoy life and make the most of every moment.

Love,
Jane Doe

Jumping The Gun

Women are always accused of reading too much into things. Whether it be a kiss, the way something is said, or even the hug that lasted a second too long. But lately I have been hearing the exact opposite from my readers. That men have been jumping the gun by scaring themselves and running for the hills. I decided to investigate.

In a world that is becoming just as much a woman's world for goals and success its no wonder some men are starting to feel threatened and jump the gun as "women" have been accused of doing in the past. No-- just because a girl expresses interest in you does not mean she is thinking you are "the one." And No-- just because she thinks you should try dating doesn't mean she is trying to tie you down and marry you either.

The truth is, in today's world women have a lot more power than we did fifty years ago. And because of this advancement through careers, goals, etc. Some men might feel threatened; so there might be a bit of a gender role swap, since it seems now like some men are starting to read into things more.

If a guy becomes scared, ladies, do not consider that you were too intimidating by knowing what you want and going after it. After all: nothing ventured, nothing gained. Instead, see the situation for what it is: the guy is a weenie, and you are better off without him. You deserve a man that isn't going to bite off his nose to spite his face, or count his chickens before they hatch. (alright, I'm done with the old expressions, but they do ring true!) Everyone deserves someone that will see them as an equal, which is why the term "partners" was created in the first place.

If you are a guy who likes women who are driven and aren't threatened by them, I commend you on evolving with the times. Welcome to the new 21st century of dating.

-J.D.

The Battle of Insecurities.

Insecurities. Everyone has them, and those who say they don't are lying. For even the most conceited person can be knocked down a peg and forced to reevaluate themselves from a single snide remark. And though we all have them, we often do not know how to deal with our own inner monster, which in turn can devastate not only us, but the potential of having a successful relationship.

A Jessica Doe* recently wrote me an e-mail informing me that her boyfriend hovers around her constantly giving her no space of her own or for her own friendships. He admitted to this, yet rather than trying not to be overbearing he continued to smother her. This resulted in Jessica feeling trapped and so she broke up with him. It is a vicious cycle that can often be repeated if you do not know how to deal with your own insecurities, and this can damage not only your outlook on yourself (confidence is always attractive), but how your partner looks at you and feels about your relationship.

The trick is to simply do some inner soul searching. Discover how you feel about yourself and more importantly why you feel that way. As I have said in previous articles, it is important for you to recognize your own inner worth first, otherwise no one else will. Most of us are actually like mirrors and though we think we remain transparent, we are often easy to read with body language, tone of voice, etc. So even though you think you may be hiding it well, just know that this may not be the case.

Rather than letting this monster of insecurity consume you, confront it. By doing so, you can figure out ways to deal with it, without becoming overbearing. The best way to go about this is communicating with your partner. If they are overtly friendly and you read into this as "flirting" then let them know how it makes you feel. Usually this results in compromise if handled correctly (and not coming off as if you are verbally attacking them, no one wins in those situations). Yet with being more open, both parties must work on helping each other to overcome the monster. This means you have to work on not acting jealous, needy, or depressed if the two of you are not together 24/7.

Remember, soldiers, independence is always good in a relationship. It is important to have your time away from each other so you are refreshed when you come back together. Do not lose yourself in someone else, by doing so we lose not only our sense of "self" but we also lose the relationships we have with others around us.

If your partner continues to act insecure and needy to the point that the relationship brings on more stress than happiness, it may be that your partner needs to work it out for themselves and you cannot help them, which is what I told Jessica Doe. With their relationship being over she can finally breathe, and has done him a favor by giving him the distance he needed so he can confront his monster all on his own. 

Remember soldiers, before we can hope to find love out there we have to find our own self-love. This means accepting all parts of ourselves: the good, the bad, and the ugly. If we see pieces of ourselves we think are ugly, we alone have the power to change them. That power is yours, and yours alone.

Love,

J.D.

Getting Off The Roller Coaster

Ups and downs are never easy, soldiers. But everyone has a situation they can't seem to shake or figure out right away. Maybe it is that you need your closure before you feel you can really let go and move on. I, myself, am guilty of wanting a solid ending... and I blame this on my being a writer.

Like most soldiers, I am strong and resilient. I find that even if the ending isn't necessarily the fairytale one, I make the most of every experience and so I take something away from it. As I have said before, there are no regrets in life just lessons.

Happily Ever After? Not always, but
you can walk away happy.

By getting off the roller coaster for good there is a large burden lifted off your shoulders because you  figure out what you want and what you deserve. Yet there is also a moment of total clarity where you realize this person can't give you either. Most of the time, said partner is still figuring out what their wants and needs are and because of this they cannot accommodate yours.

Feeling constantly dizzy is exhausting. When you finally take the step off onto solid ground and inhale your first breath of closure and freedom, you begin to realize you are blessed because you are ready to proceed to the next chapter.

Do not fear the unknown, your next mission is an adventure. Set yourself up to find happiness. Total and complete happiness, because no one should settle for feeling fulfillment or happiness only part of the time. Find a person who keeps  you smiling, who builds you up and catches you when you feel you are about to fall. You deserve this and accepting anything less is settling.

Know your worth and find your happiness.

Love,

Jane Doe

Change of Scenery?

I received this  e-mail from a fellow Doe and felt that I should share it with the rest of my readers as well as my response back.

-J.D.

Dear JaneDoeofLA,

I find it very disheartening growing up in Los Angeles and finding out that the older I get, the pool of good guys seems to continue to dwindle. They say there are many fish in the sea, but I feel like my sea has become a small pond on a golf course. I feel like chivalry is a dying art. Most guys don't seem to know what they should do to be considered a gentleman, or even how to win a lady over.

Ewww.

Its very frustrating when a guy does not know how to act like a man and not a little boy.

No, I do not want you to holla at me.

No, I do not want you to send one of your friends to tell me you think I'm hot.

No, I do not want you and your whole group of friends to approach (and trap me) at the bar until I give you my digits.

No, I refuse to tell you how many sexual partners I have had on the first date. Not because I am a whore but because that is an inappropriate question.

No man-whores, please.

And absolutely, will I not sleep with you on the first date before I feel like I know a bit more about you...  like for example, your name maybe?

Its hard to stay positive in a city filled with so many negatives. Any advice?

-Distressed Doe

-----

Well, Distressed, as I said in my last blog post relationships shouldn't be complicated, but dating is a whole other story! I stay positive because I do not put myself in situations where I know I will be attracting not only the wrong kind of attention, but the attention from the crowd of guys I don't want. For example, if you do not want to be trapped at a bar then do not go to a bar. If you want to meet genuine good guys they are out there. You just have to place yourself in the right location so you can meet them.

Whether it is a bookstore, a museum or art exhibit, or even taking a class in something that interests you. I have a friend who is very focused in the energy we carry as people and she got so tired of meeting "fake" guys that she ended up signing up for yoga classes to declutter her mind and soul. Not only did she find her own center, she found a gorgeous classmate she has been ohm-ing with for 2 years now.

Stay positive by putting out what you hope to attract. If you do this and put yourself in the right environment I think you will find you are not only liking the change in scenery but also that the people you are surrounding yourself with are what you have been looking for... something different, new, and exciting.

Stay positive because negativity attracts only negativity and you deserve better than that. I commend you on not settling. Continue to think highly of yourself and know your worth. Keep you chin up and know that when you do find one of those chivalrous gentleman how much sweeter it will be that you succeeded in finding him! Remember, the dating world is a battlefield.... So stay strong, soldier!

Love,
Jane Doe

Knowing When to Give That Second Chance or When to Walk Away

Relationships are complicated... or so I am told. However, I don't think they really have to be. I always get annoyed when people always make comments like "why things have to be so hard" with relationships. The funny thing I have noticed is that most relationships do not have to be hard. What makes it hard is the drama and conflict that is brought in by one or both individuals in the relationship. Relationships are easy in the sense that you should be with someone who makes you happy, not part of the time, but all the time.

So when the burden gets too great to bare, or we feel we have stopped being happy with this person we usually see the relationship fall apart. I see it all the time though, people say they are through when really they still have feelings for the person they have broken up with. You have heard of yo-yo dieting, soldiers and this is commonly referred to as "Yo-Yo dating" this is basically where the same couple breaks up, gets back together, then breaks up again, and AGAIN gets back together. On and on until the people around them get sick of the hot and cold soap opera love story of the boy/girl who cried wolf.

Its exhausting to ride the relationship roller coaster. Especially when we only have one life to live and we spend months, even years maybe flip flopping back and forth with one person. How do you make it stop? Well, the truth is only you have the power to do that by making an ultimate decision and sticking with it. Its all willpower. Sometimes the person is right for you but the time isn't right. Maybe they still need to get their ducks in a row, whatever the case may be, sometimes we have to question "should I give him/her another chance?"

This is the problem with second chances, they only work if one or both individuals are willing to change. Whether that change is to: grow up, commit monogamy, or anything really. But this change has to come from within them, we cannot make people change, nor should we expect them to because a lot of people don't. Some people never grow up, others can never commit. The truth is, we know going into certain situations what to expect from these people because we know them well and the only way they will change is if they want to. If you get together with someone again without either you or your partner experiencing this change/growth you will find the same ridiculous problems pop back up.

So until they approach you to convince you they have changed... say Bon Voyage! And remember soldiers, make them prove to you they have changed because talk is cheap.

J.D. over and out.