How Old is Too Old?

They say age is only a number, but it also can factor a lot in how a relationship progresses or comes to a screeching halt! Maturity factors into every relationship. People get broken up with for not growing up, still being wild, not taking care of their responsibilities, etc. So to say it is just a number is not looking at it from all sides. I decided to look at the age issue with dating from a few different angles.

This is just not right.

A lot of guys love dating younger girls. They like that they are young, live in the moment, like to party, and are more naive because of their lack of life experience. Some guys like this situation because it makes them look like the "big" man with young arm candy; where other men like this situation because they look smarter when compared to someone lacking the wisdom that comes naturally with age.

Some women enjoy dating younger men because it makes them feel a little naughty and adventurous, as if they are reliving their younger years.

Hollywood's favorite age gap couple.

But what about when the shoe is on the other foot. What if you are the young person looking to date older? And how old is too old? Well, the answer to this question is not that simple. Ultimately the answer depends on the person you are, what you like, and what you are attracted to.

If this doesn't make you say "oh, baby
oh, baby!" Then I don't know what will.

If you are responsible, mature, and handle all your missions like a truly dedicated soldier, I would say you are a person who has a larger age range to work with. But just know, the older you date the more baggage you should expect to find in your partner, because along with life experience comes the ups and downs that go with it. This could mean an ex-wife/ex-husband, kids, and other commitments beside work and you. If you feel you can handle all that then go for it, soldier!

If you aren't ready to be "mommy #2" then walk away
while there is still time... No, don't walk, run!

And yet, I have had many readers write in telling me that this person would be perfect *if* they didn't have this obligation or that obligation. But people don't really change, and it's not fair to expect them to either.

Yes, the baggage really does pile up with age.

The best advice I can give you is for you soldiers is to figure out what you want out of a relationship and from your partner. By figuring this out, you are one step closer to mentally eliminating the ones you don't want to waste your time with. Make a list, (a real written one), it really helps you hone in on what's important to you and what isn't.

Until next time,

Jane Doe over and out.

The Woes of a Wingman

A fellow reader informed me the other day that she dated this guy who wouldn't go anywhere out without his "wingman" A.K.A. his "best friend." She consulted me for help and so I decided to investigate this wingman method and see what all the fuss was about.

Turns out a lot of guys do this. Where as, with women, when we go out with our girls, if a guy approaches, our girlfriends usually let up and give us the space to be flirted with and wooed. Unless you consider our buddy system to go powder our noses together in the ladies room... but I really don't consider that the same, boys.

Whereas guys usually will use the buddy system and not give an inch if they have hopes they can get some action from one of the girl's "friends." This method doesn't always work. In fact, most women find it annoying when a guy's friends can't let him be an adult and go off on his own. Just because one girl might be feeling you doesn't mean it is a love match for her friend or yours either.

One of my Doe girls even admitted, "If a guy can't be a man and approach me by himself, I am immediately turned off. This isn't elementary school. So don't send your boy over to tell me you think I'm hot." Well played. There are already enough games that go on in the world of dating so make it easier on yourself by taking the initiative and going after what you want. Now soldiers, this does not mean to give up on your "guy time"/"girl time"... all it means is try and keep it separate. If you are digging on someone then separate from your fellow comrades to see if it is just a physical attraction or if it could be something more. The only way you will figure that out is some private one-on-one communication.

So do yourself a favor, ditch your all the time wing-man/wing-woman buddies when you see someone you like. Chances are, they could be doing more hindering than helping... and no one likes a cock-block, even an accidental one.

Jane Doe over and out.

A Weighty Situation

I have been swamped with massive amounts of e-mails lately and one specifically stuck out to me. A reader wrote in that she made the mistake of making a comment about having a "fat ass" in front of a guy she's been dating and as a result he figured it was okay to say his own comments about her having a fat ass too.

My God, what is this world coming to soldiers?! Any man with half a brain should know that it is never okay to say anything about a woman's weight you are dating or even interested in dating. It will get you nowhere. You got that? NOWHERE. Any chance of her putting out won't happen if she is worried you will be thinking about what her body looks like during the act of sex.

We all come in different shapes & sizes

As individuals living in this LALA Land we call "home," We all can feel insecure. No matter how fat, thin, ugly, or pretty you are. You can always make a person feel more self-conscious than they do already. And why add to that when there is already enough pressure on women specifically. Unlike men, women love to rip each other apart rather than support each other.

Comments like: "Oh my god what is she wearing?" and "Oh no, that dress does not look good on you." Are comments that only serve to make one girl feel better about herself and another feel worse. But realistically speaking, it does not make you look better, or even feel better. Instead, it only makes it worse. Especially when said girl says well if I am hating on her, how many others are hating on me? I give a girl major props when she wears something crazy... even if I myself would never wear it. If she has the balls/ovaries to wear it and feel good about herself more power to her! As women, we should all be more supportive of each other as a group. After all, we are all women looking for something out there and like it or not... we are all stuck co-existing so we might as well try to get along.

Even men can be insecure... no matter how gorgeous he is. Ever notice that guy? The one who can't put his arms down completely on his sides because his muscles are so big?

Yeah, that guy...

Well, all you have to do is say one comment about him having a small or even a crooked penis and its enough to send him into a fit of depression and insecurity.

Yes, they have feelings too.

But going back to our main topic, living in the superficial world of Los Angeles it is important that we realize confidence is what makes a person sexy. This is why I give the girl who rocks the crazy outfits major kudos in the first place. It takes guts. And having the confidence to put yourself out there is half the battle, soldiers!

So don't let the guys (or girls) you date see your insecurities. Project yourself in the way you want to be seen and carry yourself as if you walk into the room wearing Batman's cape! This way, the spotlight is on you. I guarantee if you do this, people will naturally gravitate to you and won't care about how big, small, bubbly, or flat your ass is.

Jane Doe over and out.

The World of Online Dating

I had never been one to consider meeting someone online, yet when a fellow soldier wrote in and asked me to cover an article about it, I knew the only way I could write about such a topic would be to try it out for myself. I gave the mission a one month trial just to test it out.

I decided on Match.com not only because they were offering a one month free trial, but because I felt that if people are looking for something serious they would be willing to pay for the service to find it. There are also a lot of free dating services out there. But I had quite a few fellow soldiers try them and they all lead to a few shady experiences that haven't lead anywhere. Janet Doe* talked to a guy for a while online only to have him harass her with picture texting her random pictures of his member before they even made it on the first date. Jessica Doe* continues to try dating online, but on her last date she noticed a camera situated in her date's backseat recording their driving... needless to say, she was a smart soldier and got out of there fast!

In a world where it is hard to make connections in the LA nightlife for more than a booty call, I decided to be selective in who I considered writing back to. I was showered with a lot of attention and I have to admit, it did feel nice... but I remained cautious. I finally had one guy who wrote me and seemed very real and we had a lot in common. The one red flag was that he had one picture up on his account... so naturally, I was concerned that he really "looked" like that.

Nearing the end of my one month trial, I finally mustered up the courage to respond to my "match" and I agreed to grab a cup of coffee with him. We had some really good conversations but I didn't feel any actual chemistry with the guy. I felt bad because he was sweet, and seemed very genuine, (and yes, he was the guy in the picture), but that rush of excitement you get from going out on a date with someone just wasn't there for me. I began to feel worse because at the end of the date I tried to be cordial, but he basically tried to mount me on the street. Everything he said and did on the date basically stated that he was already "smitten." Neediness scares the hell out of any solider, guy or girl, and I knew that was the signal for this soldier to flee.

I have come to the conclusion that in order for a person to really understand online dating and whether it can lead to anything for you is to experience it first hand. I discovered it wasn't for me. I like it more organic, where boy meets girl, girl and boy like each other and go out and both have butterflies while out on the town together. For me, looking at a computer screen did not give me the effect of excitement or the thrill of newness.

I have no regrets about the experience though. It was an experience of growth and it gave me the answers I needed to understand online dating is just not for me. Will it work for you? Try it on for yourself, soldier... do not limit yourself by closing doors without being willing to take a peak on what is on the other side of the door.

Jane Doe over and out.

There's a First Time For Everything

I, Jane Doe, did something I never thought I would actually do. I went speed dating. I decided to bring a couple of my fellow Doe girls just so we can share our experiences together for this post (so that it wasn't just one opinion, but four very different experiences). I didn't want to end up disappointed: with the venue, the company, or the dating service. So I decided to go into this thing with no expectations.

So, my friends Jodie Doe*, Jessica Doe*, and Joanna Doe* and I decided to dress up and try this thing out since we were all Speed Dating virgins. When we first arrived we scoped out the room to see the guys around us. It kind of felt like a dance from junior high-- guys stood on one side of bar, while the girls sat on the other. Eventually, a few "brave souls" came over to make conversation with some of the girls. My girls and I decided to grab a few drinks at the bar so we could lose any anxious feelings and relax a bit. I decided to write the experience off as research so even if I didn't meet anyone, I at least was trying something new.

Jodie Doe was very nervous about the whole thing. She is usually my sidekick in all things "new," so she agreed to join me on my speed dating mission. At first she had a lot of fears that the guys were going to be genuinely creepy the way speed daters are depicted in films and t.v. shows. But I reminded her that we were going just for the experience of it.

Cupid may not give you love at first
sight, but your first impression helps
you narrow the selection.

Jessica Doe just came out of a relationship and so I think she wasn't really connected to the evening emotionally, and I think part of that was because she is still taking time out for herself so she isn't really looking for anyone right now.

Joanna Doe was very excited for the evening and could hardly wait to get started with the interviewing process. (She had been trying to convince me to go for months and finally got me to go with her.)

They had us sit at little tables and gave each of us a number, they told us to ask guys for their names and numbers for our little score sheets. It was pretty self explanatory with a "yes, no, and maybe" column. I found it really refreshing, and not awkward like I thought I might. Most of the guys jumped right into asking questions... "a race against time" mentality if you will. With only 3 1/2 minutes to spare they wanted to really get to know you... not simply try to get in your pants.

Some of the guys and I had really nice conversations. They made me laugh, and were so interesting that no two were exactly alike. Yes there were a couple odd-balls that were awkward: One guy asked Jodie if she "liked dinosaurs," while a different guy told the girl Alex sitting beside me, "I am looking for my wife, can you see us getting married?" (RUN, ALEX, RUN!)

"Has it been four minutes yet?"

However, most of them really just wanted to meet a nice girl in a city that thrives on short-lived romances. It was such a relief to find there are good genuine guys in LA not just looking for a hook up but something more.

The weirdest question I was asked had to be the worst advice my parents ever gave me about love, dating, or relationships. And I honestly couldn't think of anything because both of my parents are so easy to talk to and really big on having you learn life lessons from your own experiences (instead of don't do this, or that, etc.) I really liked that there was a time limit on the thing because I am really good with first impressions and most of the time we are right in the way we perceive people. I knew right off the bat which guys I would want to get to know more and which ones I didn't. One admitted he had a gambling problem (ummm... so not going to happen.) And their wasn't any awkward lingering since the guys got shuffled along. I even figured out how to make it not awkward if you "lacked" interest you just kept them talking about themselves and it is a "non-threatening" way of rejecting them because you don't really open up to them, so they aren't given the chance to get to know you. (yes, I used this method for both the dinosaur guy and the one looking for his future wife.)

The ladies who hosted the event were right about writing the names and numbers down as soon as your "date" sits down. After a while you aren't really able to say who is who because you go through about twenty-five guys with under four minutes with each of them, so names and faces begin to blend together.

I ended up with four guys I ultimately felt I might like to get to know more. Jodie ended up with four guys that she liked, Jessica didn't really connect to any one guy because she wasn't in the mindset to put herself "out there." But she does want to try it again later when she feels ready to meet someone new. Joanna really hit it off with four of the six guys she put on her list and informed me she definitely plans on getting in contact with them to see if this will go anywhere. She wants to try speed dating again with a different service to see what other guys are out there and not put all her eggs in one basket. Jodie, Jessica and I are still waiting to hear back from the speed dating services to see what matches we got. Either way, we all agreed it was an eye opening experience and that we all want to do it again!

Never say never, soldiers. Trying new things sometimes lead to interesting experiences and people! Enjoy life and make the most of every moment.

Love,
Jane Doe

Jumping The Gun

Women are always accused of reading too much into things. Whether it be a kiss, the way something is said, or even the hug that lasted a second too long. But lately I have been hearing the exact opposite from my readers. That men have been jumping the gun by scaring themselves and running for the hills. I decided to investigate.

In a world that is becoming just as much a woman's world for goals and success its no wonder some men are starting to feel threatened and jump the gun as "women" have been accused of doing in the past. No-- just because a girl expresses interest in you does not mean she is thinking you are "the one." And No-- just because she thinks you should try dating doesn't mean she is trying to tie you down and marry you either.

The truth is, in today's world women have a lot more power than we did fifty years ago. And because of this advancement through careers, goals, etc. Some men might feel threatened; so there might be a bit of a gender role swap, since it seems now like some men are starting to read into things more.

If a guy becomes scared, ladies, do not consider that you were too intimidating by knowing what you want and going after it. After all: nothing ventured, nothing gained. Instead, see the situation for what it is: the guy is a weenie, and you are better off without him. You deserve a man that isn't going to bite off his nose to spite his face, or count his chickens before they hatch. (alright, I'm done with the old expressions, but they do ring true!) Everyone deserves someone that will see them as an equal, which is why the term "partners" was created in the first place.

If you are a guy who likes women who are driven and aren't threatened by them, I commend you on evolving with the times. Welcome to the new 21st century of dating.

-J.D.

The Battle of Insecurities.

Insecurities. Everyone has them, and those who say they don't are lying. For even the most conceited person can be knocked down a peg and forced to reevaluate themselves from a single snide remark. And though we all have them, we often do not know how to deal with our own inner monster, which in turn can devastate not only us, but the potential of having a successful relationship.

A Jessica Doe* recently wrote me an e-mail informing me that her boyfriend hovers around her constantly giving her no space of her own or for her own friendships. He admitted to this, yet rather than trying not to be overbearing he continued to smother her. This resulted in Jessica feeling trapped and so she broke up with him. It is a vicious cycle that can often be repeated if you do not know how to deal with your own insecurities, and this can damage not only your outlook on yourself (confidence is always attractive), but how your partner looks at you and feels about your relationship.

The trick is to simply do some inner soul searching. Discover how you feel about yourself and more importantly why you feel that way. As I have said in previous articles, it is important for you to recognize your own inner worth first, otherwise no one else will. Most of us are actually like mirrors and though we think we remain transparent, we are often easy to read with body language, tone of voice, etc. So even though you think you may be hiding it well, just know that this may not be the case.

Rather than letting this monster of insecurity consume you, confront it. By doing so, you can figure out ways to deal with it, without becoming overbearing. The best way to go about this is communicating with your partner. If they are overtly friendly and you read into this as "flirting" then let them know how it makes you feel. Usually this results in compromise if handled correctly (and not coming off as if you are verbally attacking them, no one wins in those situations). Yet with being more open, both parties must work on helping each other to overcome the monster. This means you have to work on not acting jealous, needy, or depressed if the two of you are not together 24/7.

Remember, soldiers, independence is always good in a relationship. It is important to have your time away from each other so you are refreshed when you come back together. Do not lose yourself in someone else, by doing so we lose not only our sense of "self" but we also lose the relationships we have with others around us.

If your partner continues to act insecure and needy to the point that the relationship brings on more stress than happiness, it may be that your partner needs to work it out for themselves and you cannot help them, which is what I told Jessica Doe. With their relationship being over she can finally breathe, and has done him a favor by giving him the distance he needed so he can confront his monster all on his own. 

Remember soldiers, before we can hope to find love out there we have to find our own self-love. This means accepting all parts of ourselves: the good, the bad, and the ugly. If we see pieces of ourselves we think are ugly, we alone have the power to change them. That power is yours, and yours alone.

Love,

J.D.