Too Close For Comfort?

Soldiers: I received this e-mail the other day and decided it was the perfect new subject for my next blog. Read on for enlightenment!

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Dear Jane Doe,
I've started developing feelings for my best friend's brother. I know this could be dangerous grounds for the friendship because I don't know how she will take it but all I know is we both like each other. I want her to know but we're both so scared she will be upset by the news we haven't worked up the nerve to tell her yet. What do I do? Help!

-Soldier in Distress
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Well, Soldier you are officially in a bit of a pickle. All I can say is what you already know to be true: You have to tell your friend. The thing you must remind yourself is that you cannot control her actions or emotions so regardless the way she deals with the news is entirely up to her. There are two obvious ways she can take the news. I turned to my fellow Doe girls for help on this to see if any of their past experiences could help you out in your current predicament. Two of them had very different outcomes and experiences in this same exact situation.

Fellow soldier Amanda Doe* found herself developing feelings for her BFF's older brother. They began to spend so much time as a three-some I guess you can say a closeness soon developed from their shared time together. When her BFF discovered the two had feelings for each other she encouraged their relationship hoping that one day Amanda Doe would be more than just a BFF, maybe also a sister-in-law. This relationship lasted for quite some time, years actually, and the three-some continued to get along very well until differences in career and aspirations drove the relationship with the brother apart. Amanda Doe found her perfect guy now turning his sister against her and to this day, both BFFs have yet to make up.

Nicole Doe* had a very different experience in her relationship with her BFF's brother. They decided to keep the relationship a secret so as not to offend (his sister... her BFF). Yet one day the two got caught in a passionate make out session which caught her BFF off guard and placed the two in a blown up fight. They didn't talk for months and when they finally did mend the relationship, (she and her friend's brother continued to date during their friendship hiatus), their friendship was never as strong as it was before, because the trust had been broken.

My advice is to learn from both these experiences, soldier. Make sure you and the BFF's brother have an honest to goodness real connection to each other deeper than the physical level by asking yourself the following questions: Do you find yourself happier when you are together? Do you both open up and share things with each other that you don't open up to others about? If you answered yes to these questions then it is time to talk to your BFF and let her know how you feel. Regardless of how she reacts you have to know she has the right to react whichever way she wants to the relationship whether it is positive (hopeful that this could bring you closer), or even upset (possibly feel threatened she might not see you as much or that you will pick seeing her brother over seeing her), which you must convince her will not be the case!

As long as when you have the "big reveal" you let her know that you will always love her and that this does not change the dynamic of your relationship with her, and you hold true to your word on this, then you shouldn't have anything to worry about. Give her space to digest the information and reflect on it. Chances are once she has a chance to rationalize the relationship she will not feel threatened and will feel that two people she loves with her whole heart deserve happiness, so why not together? Stay strong, soldier, and remember: you cannot control the actions (or in this case reactions) of others, all you can control is your own emotions. Break it to her gently and know this: if she is your best friend you should be able to tell her anything, even this. Either eventually she will find out and things will never be the same because the trust is broken, or you tell her and accept that she may be mad for a while, but most likely will get over it because you guys are best friends; because if she really is your best friend, she will love you no matter what and will want you to be happy.

-J.D. over and out!

Getting What You Want

Soldiers, we all have been there... you want something but are afraid to go after it or ask for it for fear of rejection or being judged. In the case of a lot of women: sometimes there is an expectation for people to read your mind and just know. Sadly, the world is not clairvoyant so chances are people won't really be able to read your mind and in the end you will end up feeling not only unsatisfied with them but also ultimately with yourself as well.

Communication is key. We were equipped with mouths for the purpose of expressing what it is we want. Not just eating and stifling out feelings by turning to food for comfort, which again, a lot of women do! A lot of the e-mails I have been receiving have been asking how people can let someone else know what they want. Regardless of what the subject is, the only way to let the person know is to tell them.

One Soldier wrote in on feeling neglected in the bedroom department. The only way your partner will recognize this is if you tell them. Now, this doesn't mean saying: "You have been neglecting my needs." The way you phrase things is key in making sure your partner doesn't feel they are being attacked. Phrasing it like this: "I really love it when you....[insert what you want them to do here]." This is not attacking or making them feel bad but instead encouraging them to make you happy and in turn make them feel good about themselves because they make you feel good.

But they won't know it unless you hint it. It isn't manipulating, it's getting what you want and what you deserve. If you feel your partner isn't communicating well enough with you speak up and get through to them, chances are they are not even aware that they are slacking or not delivering.

Don't just "want," get it too!

To make a long article short, when in a healthy relationship we strive to make our partner happy. It makes us feel good about ourselves in the end too. And the only way you will get what you want is to express it, so be open with yourself and your partner and you will find yourself and your relationship more satisfied!

-J.D.

Romancing verus Physicality

Relationships are insanely tricky. There is a delicate balance in today's world of dating and though many things have changed, a lot still remains the same. Since the sexes are more accepted in today's world as "equals" there is a lot of work that is split down the middle in the dating world too. It isn't just left up to the guy to make the moves anymore. Women can also make the first move too!

Find your balance.

However, in order to make anything work there has to be a shared give and take between a guy and girl. This means you have to meet half way and cannot be in something that seems one-sided. This includes but is not limited to: being the person initiating the dates, being the one who always has to call or text message, etc. Chances are if you are constantly having to make more of the effort and letting your partner get away with it, things aren't going to change. I recommend pulling back a little and observing. It helps because it gives you a chance to evaluate your partner and see if they are worthy of your time; and yes, Solider, your time is valuable. If they don't put in as much of an effort once you have "backed off" then this gives you the opportunity to reevaluate the relationship and see if you want it to continue.

Take a closer look as an outside observer would see it.

What makes it romancing is having someone show they are into you by making the effort and putting in the time. That's what gives a relationship the honeymoon phase, and true with time there isn't as much "romancing"... but if you don't get it in the beginning when will you? More often then not, we soldiers can confuse being "romanced" with the excitement of being in something new especially with sex. (Yes, sex always complicates things, which is why Patti Stanger of Millionaire Matchmaker warns it is best to wait a while and get to know your partner and their personality before introducing sex into the equation). Sex adds an intimacy, which can get confused as being romanced when it is in fact only a part of it. Romanced is also being wooed: taken out, brought flowers, holding hands, cuddling, and all the good stuff that goes with the newness of getting to know someone you are really into.

So make sure that you can recognize the difference and know that a good, successful relationship has both the romancing and the physicality. And realize, Soldiers, that you deserve a relationship that has both of these. Allow yourself to be wooed and show your partner what they mean to you... by returning the favor. Find your balance of give and take and discover the bliss of pure relationship stability, it really does exist!

-J.D.

Fear of Love

I know I fell off the radar recently, soldiers... but life throws you lots of curve balls and lately mine has been filled with them (I'll get to that in one of my coming articles), but as for right now I have been reading through your e-mails and though I am a little backed up I want to attempt to answer as many of them as I can in the coming weeks. So please, bare with me! I had a fellow Doe girl write me who says she is dating a guy who has a fear of expressing his emotions and she doesn't know how to deal with that. So after doing a little bit of my own investigating I have decided to have my first blog back be about people who fear love and emotion. I can only hope you haven't lost faith in me, or in our shared mission.
-J.D.

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The sticky situation: searching
for your better half.

Love is something everybody searches for in this world. A person who they can depend on, and truly be themselves around. A person who inspires them to be better in any capacity whether it is to be stronger, smarter, sweeter, or more selfless, (which, lets face it, is very hard to find in LA LA Land). Girls tend to be much more in tune with their emotions... it goes hand in hand with being a woman unless you have trained yourself to be more romantically cautious and not wear your heart on your sleeve. Yet, for a lot of men, it is difficult to appear vulnerable, which is why they often keep their emotions in check and don't give away too much. Leaving many of us girls to wonder: how does he feel in all of this?

Is this what you're attempting to break through?

More often than not, men attempt to keep their own emotions in check because they see being in touch with their emotions as "weakness" and more often than not, openly expressing your feelings gives the person you "love" a transfer of power... the ability to recognize that power, and have the potential of  hurt you. No one likes the idea of ending up heartbroken, so because of this, they "keep" their power by not divulging too much information and not communicating openly about their feelings. This doesn't mean they are not feeling anything... contrary to popular belief, they "feel"too!

So when does a guy actually start opening up and telling you how he feels about you? Well, honestly it depends on the guy. But more often than not it is when they start to see you are making a difference in their life (for the better), that they can open up to you without fear of being judged, and lastly when they feel comfortable... and can just be themselves. Being able to open up to someone and show them all of you is tricky, but so rewarding when you find someone you can just connect to.

The right person will always light you up.

Love comes to us in all different ways. The best thing I could tell you, soldiers, is this: Be true to yourselves and don't be afraid of your own emotions, even if they scare you. I say this because recognizing your own feelings will allow you to help your partner discover theirs. Half of the battle is just the journey: so be open to the experiences that go along with the journey and you will find yourself happier while not only discovering your partner, but also discovering other parts of your inner self.

Jane Doe over and out.

How Old is Too Old?

They say age is only a number, but it also can factor a lot in how a relationship progresses or comes to a screeching halt! Maturity factors into every relationship. People get broken up with for not growing up, still being wild, not taking care of their responsibilities, etc. So to say it is just a number is not looking at it from all sides. I decided to look at the age issue with dating from a few different angles.

This is just not right.

A lot of guys love dating younger girls. They like that they are young, live in the moment, like to party, and are more naive because of their lack of life experience. Some guys like this situation because it makes them look like the "big" man with young arm candy; where other men like this situation because they look smarter when compared to someone lacking the wisdom that comes naturally with age.

Some women enjoy dating younger men because it makes them feel a little naughty and adventurous, as if they are reliving their younger years.

Hollywood's favorite age gap couple.

But what about when the shoe is on the other foot. What if you are the young person looking to date older? And how old is too old? Well, the answer to this question is not that simple. Ultimately the answer depends on the person you are, what you like, and what you are attracted to.

If this doesn't make you say "oh, baby
oh, baby!" Then I don't know what will.

If you are responsible, mature, and handle all your missions like a truly dedicated soldier, I would say you are a person who has a larger age range to work with. But just know, the older you date the more baggage you should expect to find in your partner, because along with life experience comes the ups and downs that go with it. This could mean an ex-wife/ex-husband, kids, and other commitments beside work and you. If you feel you can handle all that then go for it, soldier!

If you aren't ready to be "mommy #2" then walk away
while there is still time... No, don't walk, run!

And yet, I have had many readers write in telling me that this person would be perfect *if* they didn't have this obligation or that obligation. But people don't really change, and it's not fair to expect them to either.

Yes, the baggage really does pile up with age.

The best advice I can give you is for you soldiers is to figure out what you want out of a relationship and from your partner. By figuring this out, you are one step closer to mentally eliminating the ones you don't want to waste your time with. Make a list, (a real written one), it really helps you hone in on what's important to you and what isn't.

Until next time,

Jane Doe over and out.

The Woes of a Wingman

A fellow reader informed me the other day that she dated this guy who wouldn't go anywhere out without his "wingman" A.K.A. his "best friend." She consulted me for help and so I decided to investigate this wingman method and see what all the fuss was about.

Turns out a lot of guys do this. Where as, with women, when we go out with our girls, if a guy approaches, our girlfriends usually let up and give us the space to be flirted with and wooed. Unless you consider our buddy system to go powder our noses together in the ladies room... but I really don't consider that the same, boys.

Whereas guys usually will use the buddy system and not give an inch if they have hopes they can get some action from one of the girl's "friends." This method doesn't always work. In fact, most women find it annoying when a guy's friends can't let him be an adult and go off on his own. Just because one girl might be feeling you doesn't mean it is a love match for her friend or yours either.

One of my Doe girls even admitted, "If a guy can't be a man and approach me by himself, I am immediately turned off. This isn't elementary school. So don't send your boy over to tell me you think I'm hot." Well played. There are already enough games that go on in the world of dating so make it easier on yourself by taking the initiative and going after what you want. Now soldiers, this does not mean to give up on your "guy time"/"girl time"... all it means is try and keep it separate. If you are digging on someone then separate from your fellow comrades to see if it is just a physical attraction or if it could be something more. The only way you will figure that out is some private one-on-one communication.

So do yourself a favor, ditch your all the time wing-man/wing-woman buddies when you see someone you like. Chances are, they could be doing more hindering than helping... and no one likes a cock-block, even an accidental one.

Jane Doe over and out.

A Weighty Situation

I have been swamped with massive amounts of e-mails lately and one specifically stuck out to me. A reader wrote in that she made the mistake of making a comment about having a "fat ass" in front of a guy she's been dating and as a result he figured it was okay to say his own comments about her having a fat ass too.

My God, what is this world coming to soldiers?! Any man with half a brain should know that it is never okay to say anything about a woman's weight you are dating or even interested in dating. It will get you nowhere. You got that? NOWHERE. Any chance of her putting out won't happen if she is worried you will be thinking about what her body looks like during the act of sex.

We all come in different shapes & sizes

As individuals living in this LALA Land we call "home," We all can feel insecure. No matter how fat, thin, ugly, or pretty you are. You can always make a person feel more self-conscious than they do already. And why add to that when there is already enough pressure on women specifically. Unlike men, women love to rip each other apart rather than support each other.

Comments like: "Oh my god what is she wearing?" and "Oh no, that dress does not look good on you." Are comments that only serve to make one girl feel better about herself and another feel worse. But realistically speaking, it does not make you look better, or even feel better. Instead, it only makes it worse. Especially when said girl says well if I am hating on her, how many others are hating on me? I give a girl major props when she wears something crazy... even if I myself would never wear it. If she has the balls/ovaries to wear it and feel good about herself more power to her! As women, we should all be more supportive of each other as a group. After all, we are all women looking for something out there and like it or not... we are all stuck co-existing so we might as well try to get along.

Even men can be insecure... no matter how gorgeous he is. Ever notice that guy? The one who can't put his arms down completely on his sides because his muscles are so big?

Yeah, that guy...

Well, all you have to do is say one comment about him having a small or even a crooked penis and its enough to send him into a fit of depression and insecurity.

Yes, they have feelings too.

But going back to our main topic, living in the superficial world of Los Angeles it is important that we realize confidence is what makes a person sexy. This is why I give the girl who rocks the crazy outfits major kudos in the first place. It takes guts. And having the confidence to put yourself out there is half the battle, soldiers!

So don't let the guys (or girls) you date see your insecurities. Project yourself in the way you want to be seen and carry yourself as if you walk into the room wearing Batman's cape! This way, the spotlight is on you. I guarantee if you do this, people will naturally gravitate to you and won't care about how big, small, bubbly, or flat your ass is.

Jane Doe over and out.