When To Feel Threatened

I recently had a reader ask me about friends of the opposite sex when mixed with relationships. I must admit, it can be a little hard to not feel insecure in situations where a potential guy/girl is perfect but also has this friend they love to spend time with. A friend, who is also attractive and makes you a little jealous. Whether it is of their closeness or strictly their appearance.

Everyone has had a situation like this, because most people find friends (even of the opposite sex) who they feel comfortable with and like hanging around because they share similar interests, etc. By having a person feel comfortable around a member of the same sex as you it really boils down to competing for their time and attention.

Many people say it isn't possible to have friends of the opposite sex. Why, just look at this scenario in When Harry Met Sally.

Harry: Men and women can't be friends
because the sex thing always gets in the way.

So the question to ask is: Is it true? Can men and women really not be friends? I think that it honestly depends on a few factors.

Going from my own experiences I can say that I have three male friends I have known almost since infancy and we are still very good friends today. We never crossed any lines of being more than friends, but I do know that two of the three at one point had feelings for me. It did make the friendship rather complicated and so we put distance between each other  until the feelings were no longer there and we could go back to being only friends.

If a friendship line is crossed by having sex with the friend, the relationship can rarely go back to the way things were pre-coitus. In fact, it usually ruins the friendship in most cases because one friend usually still harbors some intimate feelings from the encounter. And honestly these feelings are justifiable. After all, this is someone you were close to and could be yourself around so it is normal to have feelings develop after being that intimate with each other.

But it is possible to have friends of the opposite sex if this line isn't crossed. When partners are friends with their exes that usually can present a bit of a problem for a new relationship because whether or not each party is aware of it, it still drags a person's old baggage into their new relationship, especially if these exes still remain on good terms and hang out regularly. Because the door of the past relationship isn't completely closed, it creates complications for the new relationship and where these friendship's boundaries actually lie. Do they still kiss? Or hug a little too long? It raises a lot of questions for some people in these types of situations.

The best thing you can do is not go on attack mode if you are feeling uncomfortable. This only makes you seem jealous and needy. Instead, it is best to talk to your boyfriend or girlfriend and ask if they are into this friend in any way, or if they ever have been. You could also take the other side of the spectrum and ask if the friend has ever had feelings for your partner. Either way, you get an answer. It may not be the answer you like, but it is an answer. However, it ultimately boils down to trust. If this is someone you enjoy being with who doesn't present any other problems for you then try living with it. Try befriending the friend so you all can go hang out together (which most people hate because of third wheel situations). But if you can make it a group hang out it will allow you to relax a bit and everyone can then feel included.

If your partner is overtly flirty that it makes you uncomfortable and question their devotion to you because they throw themselves at others, then this probably isn't the healthiest relationship for you. No one likes having someone who makes them feel worse about themselves. Relationships are suppose to make us feel secure not unconfident.

-Jane Doe over and out.

When Its Not Them, It's You

I received an email from a fellow "John" Doe reader asking for advice about his last relationships. He has informed me he has been out with four different women in the past year and that once they start to get comfortable with him he begins to get incessantly bored. I copied pieces of his email to share with you all.
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Dear Jane Doe,

I can't help but find all the women I have gone out with boring. It's not because they aren't interesting, but they rarely keep me wanting something more and as soon as they start saying "we" I start to become an asshole. Not because I want to, or mean to, but because I feel they are jumping into a relationship too fast and that they aren't right for me, or worthy my time. I am good looking and have money. Where am I going to find a girl that keeps me wanting more and not just wanting more of someone else?"

Jake Doe

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Well, Jake, I'd like to commend you on your brutal honesty but first I must pose a question to you. How are you so sure you are worth their time? No one likes to be treated as if they are below you and from what I can gather this is exactly what you are doing to these women. If you belittle someone, whether they are worth your time or not, it is going to make you unbearable. Snobbery is never attractive, confidence is and the two are very different from each other. In fact, snobbery will drive girls to want someone else and could drive away a girl that would catch your undivided attention.

What makes someone irresistible is when they make you feel like you are the only person in the world that matters to them. You look them in the eyes as if completely captivated by their stare, you blush from their touch, or listen to what they say (yes, really listen). If you act pompous and like you are only looking for the nearest upgrade that seems to suit you, then any girl with common sense won't want to put up with you. After all, if a person is so in love with himself/herself how will they even be able to make room to really love someone else?

It could be that maybe you are dating women below your level of intelligence, which is why they don't hold your interest. But only you can really answer that. It is also important to have realistic expectations in what you hope to find in a partner, I suggest making a list of qualities that you must have in a partner, qualities you would like to have, and another list of qualities you will not put up with. When you can visually see what you want it helps you discover if that is what you have been going after in a partner and more often than not, it isn't.

Let's get real here.

Writing our goals down helps us stay on the right track and keeps us motivated. With the fast paced lives we live it is easy to get caught up with other things and to lose focus. I also recommend asking if you are a good catch. It takes a lot of soul searching to really look and be honest with yourself and discover your strengths and weaknesses. Only then can you work on making yourself even more desirable.

Ladies, realize this: If a man is more interested in pumping iron instead of pumping you that is the epitome of a guy who is in love with himself.

Most importantly, you must realize that you must put out the energy you hope to attract. If you appear to be arrogant and conceited, or negative and self conscious that is the only partner you will attract. I usually tell my readers that you must first have self love (but not be self-centered) in order to find real love. The only way you can do that is if you stop dating and spend some time alone. This allows you to discover who you really are and what you need. The best advice I can give is put the shoe on the other foot and ask yourself, "Would I want to date me?" And remember to make sure you go below the surface of looks and money with your answer to this. Even the rich and best looking can end up alone. So remember, looks do fade with time, but a person's character lasts forever.

-Jane Doe over and out.

When Men Scare Themselves

When women think of men we honestly think of them more like their own species. Usually this is because they have trouble expressing their emotions (so women have a hard time sharing a connection with them). When it comes to subjects such as "love" and when they really start liking a girl. More often then not, guys usually suffer from what the world now knows as 'word vomit': a case where the mouth opens and starts to express more than a man would like to admit. Usually, said man later regrets this sudden expressing of emotion and recoils.

More like 'runs for the hills' if you asked me.

In an email, I had Jessica Doe* open up to me about this guy she had been on a couple dates and things were going great. According to her, a hot sexual tension was building but because she didn't "give it up" after the second date her date accused her of trying to pin him down into a relationship. Jessica, being caught off guard by this sudden attack simply responded that they were "just dating" and that she didn't even know if she were ready for a relationship because she was still getting to know him. Needless to say, her date felt like an ass... which, in retrospect, he should have because most girls (minus the "needy" ones) don't want to pin just any guy down. We don't want to be tied down unless we know for sure we want only you. After this talk, he completely started ignoring Jessica and I explained that lots of women have experienced situations like this. Guys end up cutting off their nose to spite their face and ruin a good thing before anything can really develop from it simply because of unnecessary fears.

Jenny Doe* told me that she and a male friend had become quite close and that he wanted to introduce intimacy into their relationship. She explained to him she was looking for more than sex and his response was that he too was looking for more than sex, in fact, he used the word "girlfriend." However, the next day, after hormones had subsided he realized he let his hormones speak for him and recanted his statement about wanting a girlfriend. This doomed not only any chance of a relationship, but also their friendship.

Shocked? Not really. This is actually most of the emails we have been receiving from our readers. This problem with word vomit has become a true concern because it leaves us wondering when we actually can open up to a partner and not scare them, or even worse, have them scare themselves.

"God gave [men] a penis and a brain and only enough blood to run one at a time"

                                                                                                     -Robin Williams

So what causes a guy to get a case of "word vomit" the answer is simple: comfort. When a guy feels comfortable with you he feels he can really be himself and speak freely. But why do they run for the hills after the fact? I decided to investigate and discovered two main reasons for recoiling from a case of "word vomit."

Fear of vulnerability: Men enjoy having the upper hand. When a guy appears weak or like he has given you the power by saying how emotionally invested he is he begins to feel emasculated. This isn't truly because of you saying or doing anything, ladies. More often then not, guys can dig themselves into this hole all by themselves and usually after the fact, they realize they did this and so they begin to pull away because they want to get their sense of power and manliness back.

Fear of Claustrophobia: This is a completely metaphorical fear that involves men feeling emotionally trapped to one woman. One woman means they are tied down and lack the power to go out, meet other women and flirt. He begins to feel closed off from other opportunities and so he pulls away when things start to get a little more emotionally intense.

How to avoid experiencing word vomit with a guy:

When it still feels too soon or new the best way to save your guy from experiencing word vomit is to cut him off with a kiss, it keeps his mouth busy and keeps him silent. No matter how nice the words may sound, you don't want it where the words he says leads to him having regrets the next day. So take it slow, actions speak louder than words anyway.

Gents, save yourself from future "word vomit" experiences by thinking before you speak. Ask yourself, "am I going to regret saying this tomorrow?" If the answer is yes, keep it to yourself. Because in the end, you may push away a girl that could have made you happy all because you freaked yourself out and became your own worst enemy.

Jane Doe over and out.

Wave Your Freak Flag!

I decided that today's post should be about sex toys since yesterday's was about fear of performance. It is true there are a lot of men who are threatened by sex toys. I actually had an ex who said, "what's the matter, am I not enough for you?"What men don't understand is it can be hard to get a girl off and sometimes vibrations stimulate us faster, which makes a guy's life easier.

Everyone needs a little lovin'.

Guys should learn to feel comfortable with toys because using them actually keeps things feeling new and exciting. This is especially true when you switch things up. I knew a guy who actually was grossed out when he found out a girl he was seeing had a vibrator. Surprise, James Doe, most women do, the difference is we don't all broadcast it and are a little more discreet. I found this slightly hypocritical too because think about it, guys love to masturbate so why shouldn't a girl be able to get herself off too? Women can actually get sexually teased just as much as men do. And since men aren't always around at the opportune moment, we rely on our dependable friend an arm's length away.

I think the main problem guys have with sex toys is that they already have the male ego which puts pressure on them and now they are competing with a little machine that always gets the job done right. Instead of seeing the toy as an enemy. See it as your partner in crime. After all, Batman had times he relied on Robin to rescue him so why can't a toy help a guy out every now and again?

Switching up positions does keep things fresh for a while but to keep things piping hot you have to be willing to treat your lover's body like "new". Toys actually create this illusion of sharing the experience of exploring each other's bodies for the first time in a new way together (yes it is a sexual bonding experience). And don't worry Gents, there are male sex toys for your enjoyment too!

I always love watching couples who walk nervously into a sex shop for the first time together and are giddy with excitement. It actually reminds me of that moment when you were about thirteen and were kissed for the very first time and felt that rush of adrenaline and energy because it was new. Keeping things feeling this way guarantees we don't fall into routines which are honestly boring. Imagine if every time you had sex you stayed in missionary and only missionary. My God, you would fall asleep in the middle of the act!

You don't want the relationship turning rusty, and by rusty this means that you and your partner begin to actually get use to the same routine and have sex less and less and then the worst happens: You get so comfortable that it is almost as if you are brother and sister or just friends hanging out, lacking any real spice or sexual intimacy. Sex will begin to feel like a chore rather than as an act of blissful release, which is what it is suppose to be!

This doesn't mean start off with something scary and intimidating, (don't bite off more than you can chew), but start small and work up your comfort level from there. Who knows, you might actually discover new ways to pleasure you and your partner. So fellow soldiers, be willing to try new things while on your mission, you might surprise yourself!

Keep it steamy, soldiers!

-Jane Doe over and out.

Afraid of Sex?

I recently had a fellow Doe write in informing me that this guy she was seeing was afraid to take the plunge between the sheets. I actually received three fellow Does emails complaining of this and I found this very interesting because men are supposedly known for "constantly" wanting sex and nothing but. This led me to ask my fellow John Does what is the reasoning behind this? After many discussions we came to a startling conclusion: fear of performance.

Where many guys think they are a Pro when it comes to gratification between the sheets, there is a select group who actually feel less than qualified at giving a successful romp in the sack. Whether it is because of insecurities, a previously bruised ego, or not much experience; the reasoning could be rather simple or complicated but the trick is never to expose this problem or issue to your significant other in a way that causes them to become more self-conscious. Instead, a plan of attack is usually your best bet!

As all my fellow Does should know, actions speak louder than words. It may take some guidance, but you should show your partner what you want. Guys feel the need to always prove they know what they are doing when a lot of the time they are clueless (where is this clitoris you speak of?) If you are a man who has this fear of sex, (or Genophobia as it is scientifically classified), then you should express that you want to learn. This doesn't make you sexually retarded, in fact, it actually puts you a step ahead of where most guys "think" they are. This doesn't mean telling your partner that you are sexually inept. But rather by saying something like, "I want to learn how to please you."This focuses the emphasis on your partner and they will be more than happy to teach you if you give them the opportunity and make it that it is about them.

If your guy is self-conscious, which almost everyone is, then make them aware of what you like about them and their body. I had a fellow Doe actually write me and I decided to share her story with all of you.
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"Dear Jane Doe,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost two years. I fell in love with him and thought he was the perfect gentleman because he wanted to wait to have sex. After dating for almost eight months we decided it was right and we had sex but he was extremely self conscious about the size of his equipment. It became a problem more for him than it did for me because he felt he wasn't doing it right. We ended up seeing a sex therapist for a year and he recommended we learn other ways to please ourselves. What is your take on this situation?

Thank you,

Confused Doe"

Well, in all honesty the size of a guys equipment usually is more a problem for the man than the woman and this is because his actual manliness is threatened by size. A man feels like a man only when he embodies this image of what he believes a man should look and be like. What a lot of men do not understand is many women do not get off from sex even though it does feel good. I agree with the therapist in that you and your partner should find other ways to please each other. For you, oral or other methods of foreplay to guarantee you do reach orgasm. This ensures that you get satisfied, which will in turn, satisfy him and make him feel more like a man. Other possibilities for pleasure include sex toys, (though many men are threatened by them), because they give you new ways to discover each others bodies and pleasures.

In conclusion, Confused Doe, the only thing you can do is try. If he still is having his own issues with sex after attempting new things it might be time to take a break because sometimes people need to learn things on their own. And if the two of you have trouble communicating with sex this will lead to other problems down the road. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make 'em drink it, right?

Fellow Does, you must understand no one is a perfect partner right off the bat! You have to learn because practice makes perfect. So start educating yourself. After all, if you don't learn when you are young you never will and in the end, only you will suffer from not understanding how to do it right. As I have said time and time again, a happy sexual relationship is a key factor in a healthy relationship. So if you are dating someone who has a fear of sex and isn't willing to learn and grow as a person, do yourself a favor and say bon voyage! You don't want to date (or worse, to be) that creepy inexperienced forty-year old. Trust me, you'll thank me later!

Learn while there's still time!

-Jane Doe over and out.

Don't Hold Your Breath

Did your mama ever teach you that wise old saying, "never put all your eggs in one basket"? This is one of those sayings that not only applied fifty years ago but still applies today... especially when looked at with the dating world.

Now this is not telling you to go out and be a whore (this applies to men as well). But it does tell you not to depend completely on one person to make you happy pre-relationship. If you are still new to knowing each other it is important to see what else is out there. Otherwise, how will you know you really like the person unless you have something else to compare them to?

Speed Dating

This is why things like "speed dating" actually are pretty good because they not only allow you to judge your "suitors" by first impressions (which are usually right), but to also observe and see what else is available. The other brilliant thing about this concept is that you really don't have to spend too much time with the person (if you get the weirdo vibe) and so there is less pressure to keep going like many people have to with that first awkward date experience.

Don't be sleazy, but see what's out there.

As the saying goes, there are plenty of fish in the sea, so make sure you caught a good one and test the other fish if you and your partner are not yet committed. You owe them nothing until they actually tell you they want to see you and only you. Make them work for your affections. You are more desirable when others want you too. Make them work for your love and affection. Until they ask you where this is going, live it up, have fun, be safe and most importantly put yourself in situations where you will grow from your experiences. As I have said before, this is what life is all about.

Never wear your heart on your sleeve fellow Does, you keep yourself vulnerable that way. So show your date just how much others want you and soon they will crave your undivided attention. Until then, test those waters!

Love,

Jane Doe.

The Truth About Friends with Benefits

There has always been one time or another where the lines of friends and lovers has been slightly blurred. Mostly, its because you spend so much time getting to know this friend that you feel a closeness to them and comfortable around them. I, Jane Doe, must admit that I have crossed this line on two occasions and it is a one way road (once sex happens, there's no "going back").

There are both pros and cons to this type of situation. The obvious being the straight, no strings attached sex that leaves both partners feeling no pressures about having to woo the other. It can be hot, steamy and is sometimes the best sex you have ever had because you feel uninhibited (you can just be yourself). However, once you enter into this type of arrangement it must be clear on both sides that this is strictly physical and that is it.

A funny take on the "Situation."

The trouble with friends with benefits is 99% of the time, one person starts to invest their feelings in this arrangement or hope for more (this could happen without you or them even being aware of it). Or one person wants to pursue someone else for a serious romance, leaving the friends with benefits situation.  It basically leads to a lot of doubts specifically about the friendship and whether it will last (which most of the time, it doesn't). Sex truly can complicate a friendship because whether or not you feel comfortable about what happened you never can know what the other person is thinking and feeling. Even if you try to act indifferent about having sex, your friend can make the situation awkward simply because you hurt their feelings by treating the situation like it was "no big deal". YOU MUST: Talk it out before jumping into bed together because talking it out determines the arrangement.

I was seeing this guy Jay* and we became fast friends. I knew he was into me, but I had just come out of a serious relationship that left me heartbroken, I found myself not very trusting and ready to start something new. Jay had also come out of a two-year relationship. So we started off originally just being friends and that lasted for about two months. We would hang out, we even had some courses together. Jay and I would work on projects and study together or just simply talk. One night at a party, Jay actually kissed me and I found myself kissing him back. He told me he had found an answer to our "issue" with starting a relationship and suggested we give it a go as friends with benefits. I, (having never had previous experience with this type of situation), agreed. The sex lasted for a good four months... It was incredible. Yet anytime Jay saw a guy come talk to me he assumed I was trying to get with other guys behind his back. In retaliation he decided to flirt with every possible girl in front of me. Feelings on both sides got hurt and we drifted apart losing not only the wonderful times we had between the sheets, but also our entire friendship. Jay is a very good guy, and honestly I would not trade the experience because I learned a lot from it. Things like what I was willing to put up with, what I wouldn't, and what I wanted from a relationship.

If you see no possibility of a relationship and there is an obvious mutual attraction, it is important to explore, try new things and grow from said experiences (both the good and the bad). Just know there is the possibility of having your friendship go up in smoke. Or you could even unknowingly invest more emotions in the physical than you had originally intended to. Just as long as you know it is a "fling" (something that lasts for a while and then fizzles out like a match), the situation can teach you a lot, but keep your guard up and have fun with it.

Whether you and your friend will be friends after the fact is another story. One guarantee of a successful friends with benefits experience is to make sure you keep it between the two of you. Honestly it is no one else's business. It is an arrangement between the two of you, so keep it that way. Be open and honest with your "friend" about what you want and what you don't. As long as this wasn't a friendship for years that you are risking and is someone you feel comfortable around, you might actually learn a thing or two about yourself.

Just remember fellow soldiers, life is all about experience. So if you have the opportunity to learn and grow, then take it. Life is too short and no one likes staying stagnant in love, life, or experience.

-Jane Doe over and out.