Afraid of Sex?

I recently had a fellow Doe write in informing me that this guy she was seeing was afraid to take the plunge between the sheets. I actually received three fellow Does emails complaining of this and I found this very interesting because men are supposedly known for "constantly" wanting sex and nothing but. This led me to ask my fellow John Does what is the reasoning behind this? After many discussions we came to a startling conclusion: fear of performance.

Where many guys think they are a Pro when it comes to gratification between the sheets, there is a select group who actually feel less than qualified at giving a successful romp in the sack. Whether it is because of insecurities, a previously bruised ego, or not much experience; the reasoning could be rather simple or complicated but the trick is never to expose this problem or issue to your significant other in a way that causes them to become more self-conscious. Instead, a plan of attack is usually your best bet!

As all my fellow Does should know, actions speak louder than words. It may take some guidance, but you should show your partner what you want. Guys feel the need to always prove they know what they are doing when a lot of the time they are clueless (where is this clitoris you speak of?) If you are a man who has this fear of sex, (or Genophobia as it is scientifically classified), then you should express that you want to learn. This doesn't make you sexually retarded, in fact, it actually puts you a step ahead of where most guys "think" they are. This doesn't mean telling your partner that you are sexually inept. But rather by saying something like, "I want to learn how to please you."This focuses the emphasis on your partner and they will be more than happy to teach you if you give them the opportunity and make it that it is about them.

If your guy is self-conscious, which almost everyone is, then make them aware of what you like about them and their body. I had a fellow Doe actually write me and I decided to share her story with all of you.
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"Dear Jane Doe,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost two years. I fell in love with him and thought he was the perfect gentleman because he wanted to wait to have sex. After dating for almost eight months we decided it was right and we had sex but he was extremely self conscious about the size of his equipment. It became a problem more for him than it did for me because he felt he wasn't doing it right. We ended up seeing a sex therapist for a year and he recommended we learn other ways to please ourselves. What is your take on this situation?

Thank you,

Confused Doe"

Well, in all honesty the size of a guys equipment usually is more a problem for the man than the woman and this is because his actual manliness is threatened by size. A man feels like a man only when he embodies this image of what he believes a man should look and be like. What a lot of men do not understand is many women do not get off from sex even though it does feel good. I agree with the therapist in that you and your partner should find other ways to please each other. For you, oral or other methods of foreplay to guarantee you do reach orgasm. This ensures that you get satisfied, which will in turn, satisfy him and make him feel more like a man. Other possibilities for pleasure include sex toys, (though many men are threatened by them), because they give you new ways to discover each others bodies and pleasures.

In conclusion, Confused Doe, the only thing you can do is try. If he still is having his own issues with sex after attempting new things it might be time to take a break because sometimes people need to learn things on their own. And if the two of you have trouble communicating with sex this will lead to other problems down the road. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make 'em drink it, right?

Fellow Does, you must understand no one is a perfect partner right off the bat! You have to learn because practice makes perfect. So start educating yourself. After all, if you don't learn when you are young you never will and in the end, only you will suffer from not understanding how to do it right. As I have said time and time again, a happy sexual relationship is a key factor in a healthy relationship. So if you are dating someone who has a fear of sex and isn't willing to learn and grow as a person, do yourself a favor and say bon voyage! You don't want to date (or worse, to be) that creepy inexperienced forty-year old. Trust me, you'll thank me later!

Learn while there's still time!

-Jane Doe over and out.