Going The Distance

I have come to terms with the fact that most people cannot usually do long distance. So many obstacles tend to get in the way and really push the limits on how far a couple's trust can go. The fact that you aren't there with the person and seeing them as often as you like can put a lot of stress on individuals within a relationship because it could leave either you or your partner wondering what is going on when your watchful eye isn't around. Especially when we have social networking sites such as Facebook or Myspace which allows us to "Facebook stalk" the person you are seeing.

Sometimes we even create relationship drama that doesn't even exist simply because we begin to read into things that aren't really there. Its rough but there has to be a clear level of honesty. And already established rules (are we an opened or closed relationship, etc.). As well as an overall goal for the long run (until you can move closer, or I can get a job transfer closer to you, etc.) Long distance relationships are hard but can work depending on a few factors. The first being that the relationship doesn't start with a significant distance already between the two of you. In the beginning of a relationship it is hard to get to know someone if they aren't around so that you are able to date casually and see if this is someone you actually would like to be with long term. If a distance, (or think of it as a challenging obstacle, soldiers) is put between you both after the two of you have gotten to know each other the relationship stands a chance because the two of you are already well acquainted and know and are willing to fight for the relationship's perseverance.

The most important thing is trust. I cannot stress this enough because honestly a lot of people like to have their cake and eat it too. This means that they could be going behind your back by finding someone closer to them and finding this relationship easier and more convenient. I, Jane Doe, have had a long distance relationship and can honestly say with the distance a lot of aspects of said relationship were not satisfying because I craved the closeness that wasn't within reach so to speak. If you are the kind of person who is okay without closeness and are completely secure with your independence I advise you to try one at least once because even if the relationship doesn't last, you can still learn so much about yourself from the experience. Answering questions like, "Am I a dedicated partner? To trusting? To needy?" Things we don't often like to really take a deep look and ask ourselves. 

Though my own long distance relationship did not last I did learn a lot about myself and what I was willing to work with and even some of the things I would not give the time of day. More often than not, a lot of long distance relationships don't work because both men and women crave time and attention. Even with all the technological conveniences that allow us to see and hear the person far away nothing beats the time we actually get to hold and touch them. It could be argued that long distance relationships teach us to cherish and savor the time that is spent together, and usually it does because we try to make every single minute count. But (and this is a big but) we should be doing this in every relationship regardless of the distance because you want to enjoy the relationship for however long it is meant to last.

Lastly, I would like to leave you with this. Distance will only work if your partner meets you halfway. This means the effort cannot be all one-sided because this is how your partner can show they want the relationship to work just as much as you do. Dedication on both ends is key. Trust your instincts and since you really know yourself better than anyone else, ask yourself whether the relationship has left you feeling whole and satisfied or a little empty. If you are having doubts it is important to confront them. If you keep entering into relationships with a significant distance between you and your partner(s) it is important for you to ask yourself why you keep looking for things with such an obstacle (are you afraid of having someone around too often and getting sick of them? Do you like keeping people at an arms length away as to not really get hurt?) As always: live, learn, and love. This love isn't just for your partner but is also a self-love because you have to do what makes you happy. 

Fight on, soldiers! Love is still a battlefield.

-JD

Getting Out of the "Bad Lands"

As we get older we all go through experiences both good and bad that mold us into the people we are meant to become. I, Jane Doe, recently experienced something that truly terrified me and made me not only resentful at my own feelings of powerlessness, but also made me want nothing more than to shut myself away from the world and everyone in it.

After a few weeks of completely alienating myself I slowly began to realize the only one I was punishing for being in a bad situation was me. A situation, which was almost entirely out of my control. Situations can either tear us down on make us stronger depending on how we let ourselves react to the experience. If we see it as a learning experience we can protect ourselves from similar future situations and can save ourselves a lot of pain from learning from the bad, instead of letting ourselves be consumed by it.

Everyone has experienced something painful. The important part is to not give up hope in humanity (not everyone is the same) and most importantly not to give up on yourself. When we let a bad experience get the best of us it begins to take control and creates a road block from any chance at finding and discovering happiness whether it be in big or little things.

Happiness can be found when you turn to the people who support you and love you for you. I highly recommend reaching out when you feel this emptiness because it is these relations we fall back on in order to familiarize ourselves with feeling safe again. Do not lock yourself away.

Hiding away from the world leaves
you feeling only emptiness.

Some days may be harder than others but it is important for you to cease every day and realize that you can control your own fate but only if you don't let situations determine what you do and make of your life.

Love,
Jane Doe

21st Century Relationships.

As I have told you all before men do a fine job of scaring themselves in situations when it comes to relationships. More often than not, they will want the selfishness of keeping you to themselves (How dare that other guy want to take you out!) While at the same time keeping their own freedom by not claiming the two of you in an actual relationship.

While they have their own inner monologue on what they want, it is important not to sit on the fence next to them waiting. After all, you have your own life to live and women have more power in relationships now than ever before! Because of this, it is important to let the man finally come up with his own conclusions about what he wants without you pulling the relationship card. By not pushing the issue it gives the guy a chance to figure things out for himself. This doesn't mean you hold your breath, in fact, you should still go out and socialize and meet people.

Until he says he wants to be with you and
only you, he has no real claim on you.

This lets him see he is not your whole world and honestly, who wants to date someone who doesn't have a life of their own? NO ONE. Lay back and cruise. By letting the guy bring up the relationship it shows you are not being "needy" and that there is no real "pressure" or "rush" to make him feel like he needs to run like you just set him on fire.

If the pressure is off, fun can be had and honestly, what can be better than some fun with the ridiculously busy schedules we all seem to possess in this day and age. As always, be true to yourself. Know what you want and go for it and don't waste your time on someone who isn't willing to give up their time for you.

Jane Doe over and out.

What To Do When The Family Doesn't Dig Your Significant Other

Since a few of my friends have had recent qualms with this specific type of problem I figured this was the best topic to cover for the new blog entry. We all have those phases where we are attracted to characters our family is not always fond of whether it be because of appearance, lack of motivation, trust issues, or simply believing you just deserve better. But because we want so desperately to feel we are our own individuals we can sometimes try to rebel in the hopes that we can prove Mommy and Daddy Doe wrong. Whether it is to prove this person is good for you, or even that you know what is best for yourself (you are an adult now).

When it comes down to it, do you really know what and who is best for you? The fact of the matter is most of the time when we put ourselves in situations with partners that alienate us from the rest of our lives, goals, friends, family, etc. the people in our lives actually become distant and can become worried about us. It happens and leaves said individuals feeling like they are not important anymore simply because now you would rather lounge around with your partner instead. This phase of alienation does make sense at the beginning of a relationship and is often referred to as the "honeymoon phase" because things are so exciting and the two of you cannot get enough of each other. This phase can last anywhere from about a month to six months (if you are lucky).

Things stay this good in the beginning.

The reason you cannot get enough of each other is because of how new and different everything is. But once this phase is over it is important for you and your partner to pick up hobbies, friends and functions that you can attend apart from each other to keep the relationship interesting and have things to talk about when the two of you come back together. If you run out of things to talk about what are you honestly suppose to say to each other? Things will get dull because of the repetitive nature of events.

If your family is concerned about you and your choice of partner it is important for you to observe the relationship not in the defensive but as an outsider. It is hard, but you have to try putting yourself in another person's shoes. Have you been ignoring your friends? family? obligations or responsibilities? If the answer is yes you need to step up to the plate and fix things where they are broke, and I mean really fix them, not just say you will try to... After all, actions speak louder than words, soldiers.

A romance is like a match: it could burn out quickly. If you remove yourself from the lives of the people who loved you before your partner entered your life then who will you have to fall back on when the person is gone? The answer is simple, no one. No one likes a part time friend or family member, so if you value the relationships with the people in your life then cherish them and show them how much they matter before you let these relationships go up in smoke.

On the other hand, if you know in your heart and soul that your family and friends are wrong about your partner it is essential for you to show them just how wrong they are, not just tell them. Though things are exciting when you date outside of what your family comes to think of as right for you, it will make your life and your partner's much easier if you all can coexist together in a world of give and take. This means being there for all, not just the person "putting out." The obvious answer I can give to all of you is this: when family and friends do begin to notice a change in your behavior or in the way you let your partner treat you, they are going to try and bring it to your attention, just know nine times out of ten your family and friends are right because the people that really love you only want what is best for you.

Jane Doe over and out.

A Hairy Situation

I recently had an interesting conversation with a few of my fellow Does, both men and women, who got on the topic of sex and what amount of hair is and should be considered appropriate grooming for the bedroom. After talking to quite a few guys I discovered most guys don't like hair down there on a girl for a couple of very logical reasons.

1) Less friction during sex.
2) Makes giving oral sex to a girl more enjoyable.

I don't know many women who would argue with that.... some like to keep a landing strip to help guide a guy in the right direction and that is fine as long as it is trimmed down. But what guys should know is we like men who take care of their "situation" as well. This means keeping down "there" smelling clean and being either well trimmed or shaved so that when a girl gives you head she doesn't end up finding flossy hairs stuck in her teeth or have the potential of looking like a cat trying to regurgitate a hairball.

Yuck. This look is NEVER sexy.

This same incentive should be clear for guys.

1) No hair (or trimmed hair) on a man means the potential of receiving more oral sex.
2) Apparently makes your size stand out more when not so much hair is covering said situation.

Keep your situation under control.

 I don't think any guys would complain about that either. If you keep your business in check and maintained not only will you feel better that you are pleasing your partner, but you will feel more comfortable in giving them what they want while receiving your own pleasures as a reward.

Would you care for an appetizer?

I think the extra 10 minutes in the shower or on the waxing table can be considered well worth the reward. Feel free to share your thoughts on either our facebook page or as a comment below!

J.D.

How To Break The Cycle

My fellow Does, I apologize for falling off the radar recently. Things got a little complicated on the battlefield front. But I am back and ready to inform. Will not disappear like that again. Scouts honor!

-J.D.

Cyclical Dating

I recently had a reader comment on how she always seems to fall for the same type of guy... the guy who needs saving. She explained to me her exasperation in these situations and so I decided to focus on how  cyclical dating is not only disastrous to your love life, but is also a really bad habit that you should break.

I decided to really hone this and do some investigating. We all go for what feels comfortable, but usually by doing this and defining a specific "type" we seclude ourselves from other possible (and probably more successful) relationships. Think about it: If you go for the kind of relationship where the person needs saving, why didn't the relationships work with the other people you felt you needed to previously save? Was the relationship doomed because you couldn't save the person? Or was it that once the person was saved you were no longer interested?

Stop crying the same tears.

There are many different types of cyclical dating. This could even mean going back to the same person over and over again hoping things will change for the better. If you feel comfortable with someone who is distant emotionally and you feel that you can help get them in touch with their feelings (and hope to get them in touch with yours) you are already setting yourself up for disappointment. Leopards don't change their spots. And if you think dating someone will provoke a change in them you will only be sorely disappointed.

Cyclical dating is like a disease, and you have to find a vaccine that can help you break the mold and try something new. When we put ourselves in situations that we are not use to we get that surge of feelings with butterflies because of this newness. This is what makes the relationship fun and exciting. If we fear that excitement and the possibility of finding something different that makes us happy, we can self-sabotage this happiness by running back to what we "know" and what feels like a constant. This is not a healthy relationship because there isn't room for growth and if you remain stagnant then not only is the relationship ultimately doomed but so is your possibility of any future happiness.

Don't close doors that you have yet to explore before being willing to take a peak inside. By not having a specific "type," you leave yourself open to more chances at finding someone you can click with and more potential suitors.

My fellow Does, do not fall in your own trap and create your own unhappiness by falling into this rut of the constant and safe. Take chances. Meet new people. Give others a chance to know you and to love you. This can only be accomplished if you are willing to take risks and let go of the past and what was for the potential of living in the present. As Grammy Doe use to say, "Yesterday's history, tomorrow's a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why we call it the present" Live in the moment and find your real happiness.

Jane Doe Over and Out.

When To Feel Threatened

I recently had a reader ask me about friends of the opposite sex when mixed with relationships. I must admit, it can be a little hard to not feel insecure in situations where a potential guy/girl is perfect but also has this friend they love to spend time with. A friend, who is also attractive and makes you a little jealous. Whether it is of their closeness or strictly their appearance.

Everyone has had a situation like this, because most people find friends (even of the opposite sex) who they feel comfortable with and like hanging around because they share similar interests, etc. By having a person feel comfortable around a member of the same sex as you it really boils down to competing for their time and attention.

Many people say it isn't possible to have friends of the opposite sex. Why, just look at this scenario in When Harry Met Sally.

Harry: Men and women can't be friends
because the sex thing always gets in the way.

So the question to ask is: Is it true? Can men and women really not be friends? I think that it honestly depends on a few factors.

Going from my own experiences I can say that I have three male friends I have known almost since infancy and we are still very good friends today. We never crossed any lines of being more than friends, but I do know that two of the three at one point had feelings for me. It did make the friendship rather complicated and so we put distance between each other  until the feelings were no longer there and we could go back to being only friends.

If a friendship line is crossed by having sex with the friend, the relationship can rarely go back to the way things were pre-coitus. In fact, it usually ruins the friendship in most cases because one friend usually still harbors some intimate feelings from the encounter. And honestly these feelings are justifiable. After all, this is someone you were close to and could be yourself around so it is normal to have feelings develop after being that intimate with each other.

But it is possible to have friends of the opposite sex if this line isn't crossed. When partners are friends with their exes that usually can present a bit of a problem for a new relationship because whether or not each party is aware of it, it still drags a person's old baggage into their new relationship, especially if these exes still remain on good terms and hang out regularly. Because the door of the past relationship isn't completely closed, it creates complications for the new relationship and where these friendship's boundaries actually lie. Do they still kiss? Or hug a little too long? It raises a lot of questions for some people in these types of situations.

The best thing you can do is not go on attack mode if you are feeling uncomfortable. This only makes you seem jealous and needy. Instead, it is best to talk to your boyfriend or girlfriend and ask if they are into this friend in any way, or if they ever have been. You could also take the other side of the spectrum and ask if the friend has ever had feelings for your partner. Either way, you get an answer. It may not be the answer you like, but it is an answer. However, it ultimately boils down to trust. If this is someone you enjoy being with who doesn't present any other problems for you then try living with it. Try befriending the friend so you all can go hang out together (which most people hate because of third wheel situations). But if you can make it a group hang out it will allow you to relax a bit and everyone can then feel included.

If your partner is overtly flirty that it makes you uncomfortable and question their devotion to you because they throw themselves at others, then this probably isn't the healthiest relationship for you. No one likes having someone who makes them feel worse about themselves. Relationships are suppose to make us feel secure not unconfident.

-Jane Doe over and out.

When Its Not Them, It's You

I received an email from a fellow "John" Doe reader asking for advice about his last relationships. He has informed me he has been out with four different women in the past year and that once they start to get comfortable with him he begins to get incessantly bored. I copied pieces of his email to share with you all.
---
Dear Jane Doe,

I can't help but find all the women I have gone out with boring. It's not because they aren't interesting, but they rarely keep me wanting something more and as soon as they start saying "we" I start to become an asshole. Not because I want to, or mean to, but because I feel they are jumping into a relationship too fast and that they aren't right for me, or worthy my time. I am good looking and have money. Where am I going to find a girl that keeps me wanting more and not just wanting more of someone else?"

Jake Doe

---

Well, Jake, I'd like to commend you on your brutal honesty but first I must pose a question to you. How are you so sure you are worth their time? No one likes to be treated as if they are below you and from what I can gather this is exactly what you are doing to these women. If you belittle someone, whether they are worth your time or not, it is going to make you unbearable. Snobbery is never attractive, confidence is and the two are very different from each other. In fact, snobbery will drive girls to want someone else and could drive away a girl that would catch your undivided attention.

What makes someone irresistible is when they make you feel like you are the only person in the world that matters to them. You look them in the eyes as if completely captivated by their stare, you blush from their touch, or listen to what they say (yes, really listen). If you act pompous and like you are only looking for the nearest upgrade that seems to suit you, then any girl with common sense won't want to put up with you. After all, if a person is so in love with himself/herself how will they even be able to make room to really love someone else?

It could be that maybe you are dating women below your level of intelligence, which is why they don't hold your interest. But only you can really answer that. It is also important to have realistic expectations in what you hope to find in a partner, I suggest making a list of qualities that you must have in a partner, qualities you would like to have, and another list of qualities you will not put up with. When you can visually see what you want it helps you discover if that is what you have been going after in a partner and more often than not, it isn't.

Let's get real here.

Writing our goals down helps us stay on the right track and keeps us motivated. With the fast paced lives we live it is easy to get caught up with other things and to lose focus. I also recommend asking if you are a good catch. It takes a lot of soul searching to really look and be honest with yourself and discover your strengths and weaknesses. Only then can you work on making yourself even more desirable.

Ladies, realize this: If a man is more interested in pumping iron instead of pumping you that is the epitome of a guy who is in love with himself.

Most importantly, you must realize that you must put out the energy you hope to attract. If you appear to be arrogant and conceited, or negative and self conscious that is the only partner you will attract. I usually tell my readers that you must first have self love (but not be self-centered) in order to find real love. The only way you can do that is if you stop dating and spend some time alone. This allows you to discover who you really are and what you need. The best advice I can give is put the shoe on the other foot and ask yourself, "Would I want to date me?" And remember to make sure you go below the surface of looks and money with your answer to this. Even the rich and best looking can end up alone. So remember, looks do fade with time, but a person's character lasts forever.

-Jane Doe over and out.

When Men Scare Themselves

When women think of men we honestly think of them more like their own species. Usually this is because they have trouble expressing their emotions (so women have a hard time sharing a connection with them). When it comes to subjects such as "love" and when they really start liking a girl. More often then not, guys usually suffer from what the world now knows as 'word vomit': a case where the mouth opens and starts to express more than a man would like to admit. Usually, said man later regrets this sudden expressing of emotion and recoils.

More like 'runs for the hills' if you asked me.

In an email, I had Jessica Doe* open up to me about this guy she had been on a couple dates and things were going great. According to her, a hot sexual tension was building but because she didn't "give it up" after the second date her date accused her of trying to pin him down into a relationship. Jessica, being caught off guard by this sudden attack simply responded that they were "just dating" and that she didn't even know if she were ready for a relationship because she was still getting to know him. Needless to say, her date felt like an ass... which, in retrospect, he should have because most girls (minus the "needy" ones) don't want to pin just any guy down. We don't want to be tied down unless we know for sure we want only you. After this talk, he completely started ignoring Jessica and I explained that lots of women have experienced situations like this. Guys end up cutting off their nose to spite their face and ruin a good thing before anything can really develop from it simply because of unnecessary fears.

Jenny Doe* told me that she and a male friend had become quite close and that he wanted to introduce intimacy into their relationship. She explained to him she was looking for more than sex and his response was that he too was looking for more than sex, in fact, he used the word "girlfriend." However, the next day, after hormones had subsided he realized he let his hormones speak for him and recanted his statement about wanting a girlfriend. This doomed not only any chance of a relationship, but also their friendship.

Shocked? Not really. This is actually most of the emails we have been receiving from our readers. This problem with word vomit has become a true concern because it leaves us wondering when we actually can open up to a partner and not scare them, or even worse, have them scare themselves.

"God gave [men] a penis and a brain and only enough blood to run one at a time"

                                                                                                     -Robin Williams

So what causes a guy to get a case of "word vomit" the answer is simple: comfort. When a guy feels comfortable with you he feels he can really be himself and speak freely. But why do they run for the hills after the fact? I decided to investigate and discovered two main reasons for recoiling from a case of "word vomit."

Fear of vulnerability: Men enjoy having the upper hand. When a guy appears weak or like he has given you the power by saying how emotionally invested he is he begins to feel emasculated. This isn't truly because of you saying or doing anything, ladies. More often then not, guys can dig themselves into this hole all by themselves and usually after the fact, they realize they did this and so they begin to pull away because they want to get their sense of power and manliness back.

Fear of Claustrophobia: This is a completely metaphorical fear that involves men feeling emotionally trapped to one woman. One woman means they are tied down and lack the power to go out, meet other women and flirt. He begins to feel closed off from other opportunities and so he pulls away when things start to get a little more emotionally intense.

How to avoid experiencing word vomit with a guy:

When it still feels too soon or new the best way to save your guy from experiencing word vomit is to cut him off with a kiss, it keeps his mouth busy and keeps him silent. No matter how nice the words may sound, you don't want it where the words he says leads to him having regrets the next day. So take it slow, actions speak louder than words anyway.

Gents, save yourself from future "word vomit" experiences by thinking before you speak. Ask yourself, "am I going to regret saying this tomorrow?" If the answer is yes, keep it to yourself. Because in the end, you may push away a girl that could have made you happy all because you freaked yourself out and became your own worst enemy.

Jane Doe over and out.

Wave Your Freak Flag!

I decided that today's post should be about sex toys since yesterday's was about fear of performance. It is true there are a lot of men who are threatened by sex toys. I actually had an ex who said, "what's the matter, am I not enough for you?"What men don't understand is it can be hard to get a girl off and sometimes vibrations stimulate us faster, which makes a guy's life easier.

Everyone needs a little lovin'.

Guys should learn to feel comfortable with toys because using them actually keeps things feeling new and exciting. This is especially true when you switch things up. I knew a guy who actually was grossed out when he found out a girl he was seeing had a vibrator. Surprise, James Doe, most women do, the difference is we don't all broadcast it and are a little more discreet. I found this slightly hypocritical too because think about it, guys love to masturbate so why shouldn't a girl be able to get herself off too? Women can actually get sexually teased just as much as men do. And since men aren't always around at the opportune moment, we rely on our dependable friend an arm's length away.

I think the main problem guys have with sex toys is that they already have the male ego which puts pressure on them and now they are competing with a little machine that always gets the job done right. Instead of seeing the toy as an enemy. See it as your partner in crime. After all, Batman had times he relied on Robin to rescue him so why can't a toy help a guy out every now and again?

Switching up positions does keep things fresh for a while but to keep things piping hot you have to be willing to treat your lover's body like "new". Toys actually create this illusion of sharing the experience of exploring each other's bodies for the first time in a new way together (yes it is a sexual bonding experience). And don't worry Gents, there are male sex toys for your enjoyment too!

I always love watching couples who walk nervously into a sex shop for the first time together and are giddy with excitement. It actually reminds me of that moment when you were about thirteen and were kissed for the very first time and felt that rush of adrenaline and energy because it was new. Keeping things feeling this way guarantees we don't fall into routines which are honestly boring. Imagine if every time you had sex you stayed in missionary and only missionary. My God, you would fall asleep in the middle of the act!

You don't want the relationship turning rusty, and by rusty this means that you and your partner begin to actually get use to the same routine and have sex less and less and then the worst happens: You get so comfortable that it is almost as if you are brother and sister or just friends hanging out, lacking any real spice or sexual intimacy. Sex will begin to feel like a chore rather than as an act of blissful release, which is what it is suppose to be!

This doesn't mean start off with something scary and intimidating, (don't bite off more than you can chew), but start small and work up your comfort level from there. Who knows, you might actually discover new ways to pleasure you and your partner. So fellow soldiers, be willing to try new things while on your mission, you might surprise yourself!

Keep it steamy, soldiers!

-Jane Doe over and out.

Afraid of Sex?

I recently had a fellow Doe write in informing me that this guy she was seeing was afraid to take the plunge between the sheets. I actually received three fellow Does emails complaining of this and I found this very interesting because men are supposedly known for "constantly" wanting sex and nothing but. This led me to ask my fellow John Does what is the reasoning behind this? After many discussions we came to a startling conclusion: fear of performance.

Where many guys think they are a Pro when it comes to gratification between the sheets, there is a select group who actually feel less than qualified at giving a successful romp in the sack. Whether it is because of insecurities, a previously bruised ego, or not much experience; the reasoning could be rather simple or complicated but the trick is never to expose this problem or issue to your significant other in a way that causes them to become more self-conscious. Instead, a plan of attack is usually your best bet!

As all my fellow Does should know, actions speak louder than words. It may take some guidance, but you should show your partner what you want. Guys feel the need to always prove they know what they are doing when a lot of the time they are clueless (where is this clitoris you speak of?) If you are a man who has this fear of sex, (or Genophobia as it is scientifically classified), then you should express that you want to learn. This doesn't make you sexually retarded, in fact, it actually puts you a step ahead of where most guys "think" they are. This doesn't mean telling your partner that you are sexually inept. But rather by saying something like, "I want to learn how to please you."This focuses the emphasis on your partner and they will be more than happy to teach you if you give them the opportunity and make it that it is about them.

If your guy is self-conscious, which almost everyone is, then make them aware of what you like about them and their body. I had a fellow Doe actually write me and I decided to share her story with all of you.
-----
"Dear Jane Doe,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost two years. I fell in love with him and thought he was the perfect gentleman because he wanted to wait to have sex. After dating for almost eight months we decided it was right and we had sex but he was extremely self conscious about the size of his equipment. It became a problem more for him than it did for me because he felt he wasn't doing it right. We ended up seeing a sex therapist for a year and he recommended we learn other ways to please ourselves. What is your take on this situation?

Thank you,

Confused Doe"

Well, in all honesty the size of a guys equipment usually is more a problem for the man than the woman and this is because his actual manliness is threatened by size. A man feels like a man only when he embodies this image of what he believes a man should look and be like. What a lot of men do not understand is many women do not get off from sex even though it does feel good. I agree with the therapist in that you and your partner should find other ways to please each other. For you, oral or other methods of foreplay to guarantee you do reach orgasm. This ensures that you get satisfied, which will in turn, satisfy him and make him feel more like a man. Other possibilities for pleasure include sex toys, (though many men are threatened by them), because they give you new ways to discover each others bodies and pleasures.

In conclusion, Confused Doe, the only thing you can do is try. If he still is having his own issues with sex after attempting new things it might be time to take a break because sometimes people need to learn things on their own. And if the two of you have trouble communicating with sex this will lead to other problems down the road. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make 'em drink it, right?

Fellow Does, you must understand no one is a perfect partner right off the bat! You have to learn because practice makes perfect. So start educating yourself. After all, if you don't learn when you are young you never will and in the end, only you will suffer from not understanding how to do it right. As I have said time and time again, a happy sexual relationship is a key factor in a healthy relationship. So if you are dating someone who has a fear of sex and isn't willing to learn and grow as a person, do yourself a favor and say bon voyage! You don't want to date (or worse, to be) that creepy inexperienced forty-year old. Trust me, you'll thank me later!

Learn while there's still time!

-Jane Doe over and out.

Don't Hold Your Breath

Did your mama ever teach you that wise old saying, "never put all your eggs in one basket"? This is one of those sayings that not only applied fifty years ago but still applies today... especially when looked at with the dating world.

Now this is not telling you to go out and be a whore (this applies to men as well). But it does tell you not to depend completely on one person to make you happy pre-relationship. If you are still new to knowing each other it is important to see what else is out there. Otherwise, how will you know you really like the person unless you have something else to compare them to?

Speed Dating

This is why things like "speed dating" actually are pretty good because they not only allow you to judge your "suitors" by first impressions (which are usually right), but to also observe and see what else is available. The other brilliant thing about this concept is that you really don't have to spend too much time with the person (if you get the weirdo vibe) and so there is less pressure to keep going like many people have to with that first awkward date experience.

Don't be sleazy, but see what's out there.

As the saying goes, there are plenty of fish in the sea, so make sure you caught a good one and test the other fish if you and your partner are not yet committed. You owe them nothing until they actually tell you they want to see you and only you. Make them work for your affections. You are more desirable when others want you too. Make them work for your love and affection. Until they ask you where this is going, live it up, have fun, be safe and most importantly put yourself in situations where you will grow from your experiences. As I have said before, this is what life is all about.

Never wear your heart on your sleeve fellow Does, you keep yourself vulnerable that way. So show your date just how much others want you and soon they will crave your undivided attention. Until then, test those waters!

Love,

Jane Doe.