Change of Scenery?

I received this  e-mail from a fellow Doe and felt that I should share it with the rest of my readers as well as my response back.

-J.D.

Dear JaneDoeofLA,

I find it very disheartening growing up in Los Angeles and finding out that the older I get, the pool of good guys seems to continue to dwindle. They say there are many fish in the sea, but I feel like my sea has become a small pond on a golf course. I feel like chivalry is a dying art. Most guys don't seem to know what they should do to be considered a gentleman, or even how to win a lady over.

Ewww.

Its very frustrating when a guy does not know how to act like a man and not a little boy.

No, I do not want you to holla at me.

No, I do not want you to send one of your friends to tell me you think I'm hot.

No, I do not want you and your whole group of friends to approach (and trap me) at the bar until I give you my digits.

No, I refuse to tell you how many sexual partners I have had on the first date. Not because I am a whore but because that is an inappropriate question.

No man-whores, please.

And absolutely, will I not sleep with you on the first date before I feel like I know a bit more about you...  like for example, your name maybe?

Its hard to stay positive in a city filled with so many negatives. Any advice?

-Distressed Doe

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Well, Distressed, as I said in my last blog post relationships shouldn't be complicated, but dating is a whole other story! I stay positive because I do not put myself in situations where I know I will be attracting not only the wrong kind of attention, but the attention from the crowd of guys I don't want. For example, if you do not want to be trapped at a bar then do not go to a bar. If you want to meet genuine good guys they are out there. You just have to place yourself in the right location so you can meet them.

Whether it is a bookstore, a museum or art exhibit, or even taking a class in something that interests you. I have a friend who is very focused in the energy we carry as people and she got so tired of meeting "fake" guys that she ended up signing up for yoga classes to declutter her mind and soul. Not only did she find her own center, she found a gorgeous classmate she has been ohm-ing with for 2 years now.

Stay positive by putting out what you hope to attract. If you do this and put yourself in the right environment I think you will find you are not only liking the change in scenery but also that the people you are surrounding yourself with are what you have been looking for... something different, new, and exciting.

Stay positive because negativity attracts only negativity and you deserve better than that. I commend you on not settling. Continue to think highly of yourself and know your worth. Keep you chin up and know that when you do find one of those chivalrous gentleman how much sweeter it will be that you succeeded in finding him! Remember, the dating world is a battlefield.... So stay strong, soldier!

Love,
Jane Doe

Knowing When to Give That Second Chance or When to Walk Away

Relationships are complicated... or so I am told. However, I don't think they really have to be. I always get annoyed when people always make comments like "why things have to be so hard" with relationships. The funny thing I have noticed is that most relationships do not have to be hard. What makes it hard is the drama and conflict that is brought in by one or both individuals in the relationship. Relationships are easy in the sense that you should be with someone who makes you happy, not part of the time, but all the time.

So when the burden gets too great to bare, or we feel we have stopped being happy with this person we usually see the relationship fall apart. I see it all the time though, people say they are through when really they still have feelings for the person they have broken up with. You have heard of yo-yo dieting, soldiers and this is commonly referred to as "Yo-Yo dating" this is basically where the same couple breaks up, gets back together, then breaks up again, and AGAIN gets back together. On and on until the people around them get sick of the hot and cold soap opera love story of the boy/girl who cried wolf.

Its exhausting to ride the relationship roller coaster. Especially when we only have one life to live and we spend months, even years maybe flip flopping back and forth with one person. How do you make it stop? Well, the truth is only you have the power to do that by making an ultimate decision and sticking with it. Its all willpower. Sometimes the person is right for you but the time isn't right. Maybe they still need to get their ducks in a row, whatever the case may be, sometimes we have to question "should I give him/her another chance?"

This is the problem with second chances, they only work if one or both individuals are willing to change. Whether that change is to: grow up, commit monogamy, or anything really. But this change has to come from within them, we cannot make people change, nor should we expect them to because a lot of people don't. Some people never grow up, others can never commit. The truth is, we know going into certain situations what to expect from these people because we know them well and the only way they will change is if they want to. If you get together with someone again without either you or your partner experiencing this change/growth you will find the same ridiculous problems pop back up.

So until they approach you to convince you they have changed... say Bon Voyage! And remember soldiers, make them prove to you they have changed because talk is cheap.

J.D. over and out.

Fantasy Fulfillment

When trying to keep relationships new and exciting it is essential to try and mix things up so that they do not become so much of a routine. Fantasies help increase the odds of keeping things feeling fresh. It is also an excellent way to show your partner just how much you care because you want to fulfill something for them and are in a way giving them a memory as a gift.

Is something wrong with the pipes?

As long as said fantasy doesn't make you feel uncomfortable. (No, I will not give you a golden shower!) And doesn't actually hurt anyone, it can help  not only refresh but also deepen the bond you share by pleasing each other and exposing each others hidden desires.

Think about it, if your guy is a Star Wars nerd and wants more than anything for you to dress as Princess Leia and you do it; his memory will always associate you with the sight of sexy princess Leia. It is true, our five senses are heightened during sex. I like to call it sexual memory. We can remember a lover's perfume, or the way their hair felt, or vividly remember how they looked at us. Sexual memory is a very powerful thing.

These things stick during sex because sense memory is affecting all your senses at once and your sense are heightened. By fulfilling a fantasy, it not only shows your partner trusts you, but also that you are special because they felt comfortable enough to share it with you. If your partner is willing to participate in your fantasy it also shows a level of devotion. I am often asked by readers when they should introduce role-playing and fantasy fulfillment into their relationship and the only answer I can give you is this: when both you and your partner feel comfortable in bringing it up.

And remember, it is okay to feel a little embarrassed and shy when trying something new. If you feel ridiculous dressed up as Princess Leia, chuckle about it. Maybe to get even, ask you boyfriend to owe you and later have him dress up as Batman. Life is short, soldiers. So live in the moment and be willing to try new things and take chances and most importantly, have fun with it!

-Jane Doe over and out.

Fearing A Real Connection

I recently received a few emails asking my opinions on sex and what can heighten it from, blah to good to wow! I started to really do some research by interviewing a bunch of Does (both male and female) on the subject of sex and what makes it sparkle.

The truth is, all sex has the opportunity to reach the top if it is given the chance to blossom. Sex is all about the connection to the person you are intimate with. Thus why intimacy itself is so important. The more open and honest you are with the person you are intimate with, the more raw and intense the sex will be. Connecting and being completely honest with one person can be terrifying. I know for a fact, many people have a problem with this, especially with all our awesome modern technological conveniences. We end up relying on these devices to help us  reach out to people, but in doing so, we are cutting ourselves off from retaining the real human connection.

By no longer having this human connection, we are basically barricading our emotions in our own war trench. Never allowing ourselves to be exposed to the good things: love, passion, and intensity, in order to keep out the bad: disappointment, hurt, and rejection. By locking ourselves away we are the only ones who suffer in the end. As a strong soldier, I can honestly say there have been times where I felt I needed to build up some shield just to protect myself, but in doing this, I was only holding myself back from living through my experiences.

Keep your heart open.

One thing I have learned is it is important to learn from every relationship you experience. Rather than being hurt or angry that it didn't work with people in the past, I honestly would look at it this way, feel sorry for the people who hold themselves back from making a real connection to another. In the end, it's them that snoozes and loses because they are their own prisoner who keeps their emotions locked up. Life is all about risk. I feel sorry for those who are afraid of taking risks. Risks are what lead to adventure and opportunity.

Most people have this plan of getting married, having kids, and being successful. But they have no real concept of how they are to get there. The only way you can reach this is if you keep your heart open, be willing to let people see you for who you are. And give the chance to love and to be loved in return. If you shut that out, you will always find yourself unhappy and alone. The unknown can be terrifying but it can also be exhilarating if you see it as another opportunity to live and learn. So get out there and find that one connection that makes you feel whole. After all, we are all just puzzle pieces looking for that perfect fit. So go out and find yours!

Love,
Jane Doe

Being Hungry

It is always apparent when people look starved. Their eyes look wild, maybe slightly delirious. They look like they could use a Big Mac (maybe two) and like nothing will quite satisfy their appetite. The same could be said for a serial hungry dater.

Hungry daters are everywhere! They come in all shapes and sizes and are found in both men and women. The problem with hungry daters is they are so desperate for love and affection they are willing to get it anywhere. This is because they lack the confidence to believe they deserve something better. So they often sell themselves short and literally take whatever they can get.

"Insert Girl Here"

When a person is desperate, it shows. It shows in the way they look at their targets and the way they flirt with their targets. Rather than pouncing with claws extended on any guy or girl it is better to have standards for what you want, goals, and work towards finding what is a good fit for you. This means actually taking the time to get to know a person and giving them the opportunity to get to really know you too (strengths and weaknesses). This means opening up, exposing yourself for who you really are... and yes, that can be scary to try and really let someone, and not just anyone in.

Hungry daters often do not intend to look desperate or to settle, but in doing so often adopt the term "easy" or sadly even the term "slut". Fellow Does, do not sell yourself short by accepting just any attention. It is important to know your worth, what you deserve and hold out for the good soldier who is wanting to get to know you in your entirety. Do not date down in order to make yourself feel better, you will only find that you stay stagnant in your own goals because you don't have someone motivating and pushing you to achieve more. In conclusion, a person who doesn't motivate you will ultimately hold you down from your own goals and dreams. So dream big in every sense of the word and find who brings you true happiness.

Stay strong, soldiers!

-Jane Doe over and out.

Being Mr./Miss. Fix-It

Many people are under the impression that we can mold a specific person into the lover, or significant other we feel we want and deserve. This is only partially true. Most people pick up certain habits from previous experiences and relationships so in trying to change someone by breaking such habits and teaching them "the right way," (our way). We are left believing it will build not only a bond or a type of gratitude but also show this person why you are right for them. This is the foolish belief behind creating the "perfect partner."

"Could you lend me a hand here?"

The thing you have to be careful of is that you aren't molding this person into the perfect partner for someone else.

A person who constantly needs someone to put wind in their sails and build up their confidence and ego is like a train wreck waiting to happen. They are always going to rely on you (or someone else) to give them the support that they need.

"I'm a catch!"

It happens often that when we try to fix or help a person they begin to feel good about themselves and seek this inflated confidence from others (in order to inflate them further). However, once they get knocked off their pedestal, and knocked down a few pegs they usually come running back to you. Do you help them? Have they learned how important you are? And what you have to offer them?

Probably not, and the chances are if you take them back they will disappoint you again.

The truth of the matter is this: everyone has small issues but you cannot give someone the confidence or equip them with the emotions necessary to experience a real connection with a person, or the capacity to really feel and experience a loving relationship. They have to want to help themselves otherwise what's the point? Your words come out to help them but they aren't really heard. It all boils down to this: you wasting YOUR time and energy on a person who has to experience self love and be open for love. You cannot make this happen no matter how hard you try. They have to want it, and they have to want it with you.

If they don't, then look for a fixer upper that doesn't have too many issues with emotions and relationships... simplify and find a guy who doesn't remember to put the toilet seat back down.

You will find you have a lot more time on your hands and will feel grateful that you are appreciated by the people who "give and take" with you, without trying to carry all the weight on only your shoulders and be left feeling disappointed.

J.D. Over and Out!

Dating the Greedy.

Greed has a way of creeping up into certain situations, even in relationships. It's always surprising when you find in it one without even comprehending how it snuck in there.

The thing is, commitment phobics have a way of wanting their cake and eating it to. This may mean that while the relationship is still new they feel they have the right to act jealous while still having the potential to flirt and go out with others. Or it could mean they simply fear creating a real connection with one person so they try to delude themselves into believing they are young and should have as much fun as possible while the hourglass is still tilted in their favor.

Most people don't even realize they are doing this. The trick is to realize each of us is unique and has something special to offer anyone we have a relationship with. If they fail to realize this while they have you, then they honestly aren't right for you from the get go... With this said, do not deceive yourself into believing it can be something special or more significant if this person fails to recognize you for what you have to offer while they have you.

If the only way for them to realize what they had is to lose you than this is a person who has the potential to never really be satisfied with anything... and is therefore a BBD dater.

A BBD dater is the guy (or girl) always thinking there is a bigger better deal around the corner and so they like to keep their options open or upgrade frequently. This is a person who is toxic and should be avoided. Not only will you constantly feel like you aren't enough, and have potential jealousy issues, but you will also begin to second guess yourself and what you have to offer, which is NEVER good.

Stay true to yourself fellow Does. Know your worth and wait for the soldier who will recognize you for your true worth. Accepting anything less than that and you are simply settling.

Love, Jane Doe